ANN ARBOR, Mich. — The professor and students in Dane Bright’s 9:30 Modern European History class have recently concluded an hour-long meeting about new ways to fuck with him, according to sources.
Bright, 27, a former Marine sergeant who deployed to Afghanistan and participated in the Battle of Marjah in 2010, recently decided to leave the Marine Corps to pursue a career in education.
“So far he’s acted pretty tolerant of gay and transgender people,” said classmate Jeremy Barton according to the meeting’s official minutes. “We should add a new letter to LGBT every week until he finally cracks.”
“How old are our TAs?” asked the professor, Sophia Goodman. “Whichever one of you is the youngest and has done the least with your life, you’re going to act really patronizing every time you talk to him. However you act with your typical undergrads, just triple that.”
Committees to fuck with student veterans were created in 1944 by an amendment to the GI Bill sponsored by Rep. Edith Rogers (R-Mass.).
Rogers was worried that veterans might have a hard time readjusting to civilian life. She believed an initial period of merciless hazing would be a familiar way to help veterans’ transition back to civilian life, just as it helped them transition to life in the military.
“We need to get back in compliance and check off some of these required techniques,” said Goodman. “For example, we need to find another student veteran to act like he can identify with Dane, but then have a bunch of crazy opinions. I mean really crazy, like the country is secretly run by lizard people, and that kind of thing.”
“Also, we need to dedicate some time to asking him dumb questions about the latest stupid shit someone in the Department of Defense has done. Has too much time passed to waste some of his paid class time asking him about the Filipino transgender hooker that got murdered?”
While federal law mandates some of the ways classes should fuck with student veterans, such as always having at least one extremely anti-military student wearing surplus camouflage clothing, the majority are generated by impromptu meetings between civilian volunteers.
“Let’s add ‘guerrilla’ to whatever mundane shit we do, like ‘guerrilla discussion’ or ‘guerrilla art,’” offered Brianna Larson, the designated camouflage-wearing anti-military student. “If that doesn’t get anything out of him, we’ll up the ante to saying ‘tactical’ instead.”
“In fact, new rule,” Larson added. “Everyone’s a ‘hero.’ Complain about something on Facebook, you’re a hero. Also, everyone’s a leader. That kid who got two hundred signatures to bring 2 Chainz to campus? Fucking leader.”
When asked by his wife how the day’s classes went, Bright says he could only sigh and told her he was “thinking about joining the Marine Corps Reserve.”
However, sources say Bright’s wife was not entirely paying attention to his answer, as she was “busy imagining new ways to fuck with him” that she hoped to bring up during a meeting with the couple’s three children later that day.
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