FORT HOOD, Texas — Sgt. 1st Class Walter Weldon has been “really doing, like, the absolute bare minimum, now that he’s hit the 12-years-until-retirement mark,” according to other soldiers in the 79th EOD Battalion.
“It’s kind of maddening,” said his boss, Master Sgt. Landon Hart. “I mean, I’ve only got three years left myself, but I still find the gumption to motivate myself and come in every morning at the crack of nine.”
According to Hart, Weldon’s recent run of laziness includes never showing up for the Friday beer lunch, only shaving once a week instead of the required three times, and “failing to forward a particularly poignant Faye Reagan solo video, as battalion SOP normally requires.”
Not only have his peers noticed Weldon’s half-assing, but the companies that he ostensibly supports by virtue of his position on battalion staff have felt the effects as well.
“We went to NTC a couple months ago to support this ridiculous new ‘task force’ concept where a chemical battalion owns us instead of letting us do our normal fucking job supporting the brigade,” said 1st Lt. Edward DeLuca. “Like that’ll ever work in real goddamn life.”
“He spent the entire rotation sitting in his truck drinking coffee, smoking cigarettes, and reading his Kindle. And when we weren’t in the box, he was always over at those food trucks. I don’t think he contributed anything, the entire time we were there.”
Reached for comment, Weldon confirmed that he has indeed begun tapering off in preparation for his retirement.
“Now that I’m at eight years,” he said, idly thumbing through a hot rod magazine in which the models have brand-new tits but forty-year-old teeth, “I gotta stop going so hard.”
“That two years in the infantry really ruined my body. My doc says I got a sore back from working so hard, which is probably going to put me up at, like, 80 percent medical when I get out. So I’m past the point where I’m giving this my all.”
At press time, Weldon was napping in his truck behind the motor pool.