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Coast Guardsman who saved drowning man is still kind of an asshole

NORTH BEND — The Coast Guard presented the Silver Life Saving Medal Thursday to a Coast Guardsman who risked his life to rescue a man from drowning in Coos Bay last month. However, everyone else at Coast Guard Station Coos Bay still thinks he’s a huge fucking asshole.

Capt. Robert Aldrich, commander of Coast Guard Sector North Bend, presented huge piece of shit Petty Officer Zachary Howell with the second highest Coast Guard life saving medal during an All Hands gathering, despite the fact that everyone in attendance couldn’t help but think, “really? This prick?”

While training with fellow shipmates on the 47-foot motor lifeboat, Petty Officer Howell — who was enjoying just offending people, interrupting conversation, and just being an all-around fuckhead — heard cries for help in the water nearby.

He quickly discovered that a man was caught in a strong rip current. Without pause, Howell swam through the surf, putting his own dipshit life at risk, reached the fatigued man and then helped him to shore. However, despite the heroic effort, Howell still managed to tell the man to stop being a “fucking pussy” and to “swim like a bitch on her period surrounded by sharks.”

“I’m the fucking man!,” Howell said afterward. “I mean, everyone’s just a bunch of jealous bitches. Sure I’m still under investigation for several sexual harassment claims but that’ll all go away now that I’m a mutha fuckin’ HERO!”

“I mean it’s great and all that he saved his life,” Ensign Tom Riviera said after the ceremony. “But this unapologetic waste of space is just going to use this like he’s God’s gift to the Coast Guard.”

The Silver Lifesaving Medal was created by congress in 1874 and is awarded to people who endanger their own lives while saving or attempting to save another from drowning, a shipwreck or other perils of the water, even if that person is a smug jerkface.

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