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New survey of US troops reveals horrifying actual opinions of service members

The results are in!

Duffel Blog’s annual political opinion survey of active duty service members is being released today, and it shows diverse views across the services in 2016, ranging from casually aloof to truly bizarre.

Though some opinions expressed by military members in the survey may alarm and possibly horrify those who routinely praise the values of our brave war fighters.

Here’s just a sampling:

“Our rigged system denies the lower classes the opportunity for upward mobility. Which is why it’s bullshit first sergeant denied my special pass request for that 4-day bender of bath salts and hookers. So what if last time I filmed my exploits with a high school cheerleading team?” one Soldier wrote.

“I simply don’t like Muslims. That’s why I joined the Army, you idiot,” wrote an anonymous Infantryman.

“I don’t see anything wrong with owning hundreds of high capacity, high powered firearms in my home. When I get shit-housed and blow holes in my walls, you don’t need to know, or care. My house is its own sovereign entity. I have the sovereign right to dump a mag into my ceiling and pass out after shotgunning a few dozen beers, wrote one Chief Petty Officer.

The survey also revealed that military members are strong supporters of single issues, though most of those issues remain taboo in mainstream American politics. Emerging as trending issues were “An increase in post-birth abortions” and “the right to be jacked on ‘roids out of my mind.”

The “No Lives Matter, Fuck Everything Party” earned mixed responses. While soldiers voiced strong support that no lives actually matter, Marines tended to focus almost exclusively on the ‘fuck everything’ aspect of the party’s platform.

Dark horse political theories include “This was always about Harambe” and “the shadow government controls us all, but won’t admit it. We saw it at Waco, and we all know that jet fuel can’t melt steel beams.”

There was at least one finding among military members that fell in line with civilians: Troops are largely unsatisfied with the choice of Trump or Clinton as the leading candidates this year. Among many respondents, preferred candidates included retired Gen. James Mattis, the Cloverfield Monster, all of the Power Rangers except the Yellow Ranger, Ted Cruz, and Shrek.

The sole respondent from the U.S. Air Force said he would be voting for Bernie Sanders.

Duffel Blog reporters Lee Ho Fuk, Drew Ferrol, and Donnell contributed to this report.

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the_frumious_bandersnatch
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the_frumious_bandersnatch

I’d support Mia Khalifa before either Clump or Trinton. At least she’s honest about being a porn star.

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