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New study finds 80% of Army combatives training conducted on wives, bouncers

FORT LEAVENWORTH, Kan. — Soldiers apply most of their skills acquired during the Modern Army Combatives Program on their wives, according to a new study released by the Army’s Training and Doctrine Command.

“I mean, why would they teach us how to put someone in a headlock if they didn’t want us to use it,” said Pfc. Richard Williams, who currently faces 12 charges of domestic violence and is currently being separated from the Army as per the Lautenberg Amendment.

Williams took a one-hour combatives class during basic training and considers himself a “virtual wife ninja,” sources say.

The Modern Army Combatives Program was formally introduced early during the War on Terror in a failed attempt to inculcate the “Warrior Ethos” into new recruits. According to General David Perkins, TRADOC Commander, the combatives program was largely useless on the battlefields of Iraq and Afghanistan.

“We regretfully admit this was just another bullshit mandatory training requirement we honestly didn’t think anyone would actually accomplish,” Perkins said. “Someone in the basement of the Combined Arms Center must have actually thought we’d be fighting roadside IEDs in hand-to-hand combat. Well, that and the insidious combatives kit-industrial complex.”

The $50 million training effort hasn’t entirely gone to waste, as soldiers have applied the innovative hand-to-hand combat techniques on their wives and bouncers at local bars.

Though many units have hand-waved the mandatory combatives training, others conduct combatives every Wednesday for a physical training requirement.

“We used to call Wednesday’s combatives PT ‘Warrior Wednesday’, but who are we kidding? It’s really ‘Wife Beater Wednesday'” one company commander told reporters on condition of anonymity.

Others noted the Modern Army Combatives Program’s influence in the clubs surrounding US Army bases, as soldiers have attempted to put their hard-earned one-hour block of instruction to the test against bouncers.

“I tried a move on a bouncer at The Strand in Watertown,” said one soldier assigned to Fort Drum, N.Y., “Turns out, it wasn’t much use against six 300-lb bouncers armed with billy clubs.”

“If they had come at me with their left hand like they were supposed to, then it would have been a different story.”

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Stunning candor from GEN Perkins for someone with that many stars! Next would be an admission that “Warrior Ethos” is a hoax, combined with recognition that historically, when “warriors” have met well trained soldiers, the “warriors” have been fairly uniformly slaughtered.

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