BALTIMORE, MD – According to police reports, Lt. Gerald “Jerry” Melman created a scene at the National Aquarium yesterday upon learning his active-duty military discount was less than his four-year old daughter’s.
Eyewitnesses say that Melman, a Cryptologic Warfare Officer at nearby Ft. Meade, began wildly gesturing at the senior citizen volunteer in the ticket booth when asked to pay for his family’s admission.
“He just started screaming ‘What the hell has she done for freedom?’” said Austin Romberg, another aquarium patron standing in line behind the sailor. Melman also apparently yelled that he had been “serving for five years, have two Navy Achievement Medals, and my Cyber Mission Team at NSA brings the pain to ISIS’ servers!”
According to aquarium staff, Lt. Melman continued proclaiming his “warrior” credentials to the mostly bewildered crowd of other families in line, ranting about his receipt of “numerous citations” for “impeccable uniform standards” while a Navy ROTC midshipman and something else about “being wanted on a firewall, being needed on a firewall.”
Melman was “eventually satisfied with vouchers to the food court nacho bar, as well as with our sincere appreciation for his service and sacrifice,” according to Mr. Thomas Judson, the National Aquarium’s director. “I even had one of the divers in the shark tank ‘salute’ Lt. Melman’s family as they walked by.”
“However,” Judson cautioned. “Later in the day Lt. Melman had to be escorted by security off the premises after an unfortunate incident during the porpoise show.”
Eyewitnesses reported that when announcers asked the audience to stand and honor a local Boy Scout troop which raised money for wounded veterans, Melman “lost it.”
Sources say that Melman leapt from his first-row seat while screaming ‘Are you serious?! Boy Scouts?!’” It was at this point that Melman reportedly lost control, fell forward, and spilled his entire jumbo tray of nachos and Cheese-Whiz into the tank.
At press time, the National Aquarium reported that its porpoise show, a crowd favorite, had been suspended indefinitely due to a recent tank contamination.