Report: Lieutenant has resting dumb face
FORT BENNING, Ga. – Army 2nd Lt. Kevin Dingleberg has resting dumb face, a source familiar with the matter told reporters.
“We’d prefer the term ‘resting confused face’ or ‘resting bewildered’ face,” said company equal opportunity representative Staff Sgt. Dave Muth. “But we all can agree that Dingleberg has the stupidest fucking face we’ve seen.”
Dingleberg, a recent distinguished military graduate of the ROTC program at the University of Nebraska, has been blissfully unaware that any time he stops focusing on his command presence, his face looks like a freeze frame of someone getting hit in the face with a dildo.
“Whether it’s in the field or doing something routine in the motor pool, Dingledoofus looks like he just woke up on the wrong side of stupid,” said Sgt. 1st Class Darrin Johnson. “We could be at the Dunkin’ Donuts and his face will still make everyone feel like they’re lost.”
Resting dumb face is a condition where one’s face reverts to a befuddled expression when the individual isn’t interacting with another person, according to the Mayo Clinic. It is commonly found in junior officers and is often thought to be contagious.
While it has been found in new privates, it can usually be eliminated within weeks of contact with non-commissioned officers. The condition is especially common in fuel handlers.
Others in Dingleberg’s platoon agree with Johnson’s assessment, saying he “looks like a goldfish with fetal alcohol syndrome,” and that his face could be improved with “one of those tumors you only see in Save the Children ads.”
Still, his commander sees the young lieutenant in a different light.
“Dingleberg shows an amazing capacity to delegate and let his NCOs take care of business,” said Capt. Ryan Anderson, company commander. “He reminds me so much of myself at that age.”