WASHINGTON — After more than two years of investigations into the use of a private email server by former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, President-elect Donald Trump and his Republican colleagues have decided to punish her with what critics are describing as “absolute torture.”
Though Trump said on Tuesday that he would drop any further investigation into Clinton’s use of a private email server, the President-elect said that she would instead be forced to endure up to 10 years of cyber awareness training instead.
”Secretary Clinton has proven she does not understand how to properly handle classified material,” Rep. Trey Gowdy (R-S.C.) said. “So she will be required to complete the annual Cyber Awareness training required for all military personnel. She will do so everyday, excluding weekends and holidays, for the next 10 years.”
Many Republicans and other top officials were stunned by the announcement.
”A fate worse than death,” said Republican House Speaker Paul Ryan.
”I wouldn’t wish that shit on my worst enemy,” said retired Marine Gen. James ”Mad Dog” Mattis, who is considered a frontrunner for Defense Secretary. ”I have always believed that the punishment should fit the crime but this, this is almost barbaric.”
”All I have to say is HA!” said Lance Cpl. Conrad Bowman. Bowman is an intelligence analyst with 1st Battalion, 8th Marines.
At press time, Clinton was reportedly asking close aides what difference does it make while mindlessly clicking through a suicide awareness brief.