Self-described ‘sheep dog’ actually more of an asshole than anything else

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OCEANSIDE, Calif. — A Marine who describes himself as a “sheep dog” claiming to protect the weaker members of society is actually more of an asshole than anything else, according to multiple sources.

In a speech earlier today, Marine Staff Sgt. Daniel Beasley, a combat instructor at the School of Infantry-West, explained to his students that there are only 3 types of people in this world: sheep, wolves and sheep dogs.


"It's up to the Marines to be the sheep-dogs to protect the sheep and keep the wolves at bay," Beasley told his students. Later, however, the staff sergeant told reporters that he intended to spend the night "making it rain on them hoes" at a local gentleman's club known as "The Main Attraction."

Sources present at the popular Oceanside night club confirmed that Beasley did not behave in a way that is typically associated with a livestock guardian.

"I definitely would not want one of my Border Collies or Hungarian Pulis doing any of that around my flock," said Dale Kenington, a local shepherd. "I typically prefer that they don't get blackout drunk either."

"Look, sometimes the sheep like to show their gratitude to the sheep-dogs and dancing is as good a way as any," Beasley told reporters while attempting to defend his metaphor.

Recent allegations of assault against Beasley stand to further muddle his favorite analogy.

"I have to say that it didn't really feel like he was trying to protect me from anything," said James Carver, a civilian who had his nose broken by Beasley in a bar fight earlier this week. "Unless being hospitalized that night for spilling a drink on him prevented something even worse from happening to me."

At press time, Beasley was unable to comment on this specific allegation because of an ongoing legal dispute. However, his attorney released a statement claiming that Mr. Carver was "a wolf in sheep's clothing."