Quiet guy at your unit scheduled to say annual weird sentence today

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VIRGINIA BEACH, Va. — Even though that quiet guy at your unit hasn’t said a single word since January 2016, it’s that time of the year where he finally opens his mouth and says some batshit crazy nonsense that people will talk about until the end of the year, sources confirmed.

“The magic of the pony world is where I like to penetrate my dream stick,” was last year’s apropos of nothing, which carried on to constant inside jokes, memes, and even a Facebook fan page called Penetrate My Dream Stick.


"I just asked him to file some procurement files in the shared folder and he spouted out that combination of words at my face," said Storekeeper First Class Gary Stephens, reminiscing over the previous year’s events. "Totally caught me off guard."

Despite remaining silent for 11 months aside from the occasional “hi” and “okay," that quiet guy has somehow managed to drop non-sequiturs on an annual basis, sources said.

“He’s most definitely a weird dude, but I have to say I look forward to this every year, you know, like a vocal Halley’s comet of weird shit,” said coworker Lieutenant Spencer Lamb, noting that he makes sure to remain friendly with the quiet guy, in the off chance he decides to go on a murderous rampage some day.

“My mommy made yum yum pancakes with happy sauce today,” was apparently the 2015 annual “weird sentence” which was uttered during a command morale function. After which he scuffled back to his office to create more obscure Terminal Lance/Beatle Bailey fan-fiction comics that no one will read.

At press time, that quiet guy has not yet spoken despite much anticipation from surrounding coworkers. At 0830, it was believed he made a trumpet noise but it was just a light fart, according to several sources.

The quiet guy could not be reached for comment after leaving work early to go do whatever the hell he does in his private time. Come to think of it, sources added, no one really knows for sure if he actually even works in this department.

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