NEWPORT, R.I. – The girlfriend of a Coast Guardsman called it quits today after sustaining a relationship for nearly two consecutive five-day deployments. Petty Officer 1st Class Raynor Martin received a text message letting him know it was over.
“I heard people talk about it before, but I never thought it would happen to me,” said Martin, sighing. “A pile of poop, a purple eggplant, and a broken heart.”
This set of emojis has become known as the “aubergine kiss of death,” and is on the rise among emotionally-underdeveloped millennials looking to cut ties without personal interaction.
“The first deployment was the toughest,” said Ashlee, Martin’s ex-girlfriend. “Sometimes, he would go three hours without opening my Snapchats. He’s under so much stress and has so much responsibility in his job. I didn’t want to be a burden to him anymore.”
Martin is a Boatswain’s Mate on the cutter Tiger Shark, an 87-foot patrol boat home-ported in Newport. They primarily conduct counter-fishing operations in the Long Island Sound, and frequently make port calls in Martha’s Vineyard, the Hamptons, and Nantucket.
During a typical five-day deployment, Martin would stand one lone watch a day where he was solely responsible for the safe navigation of the cutter.
“There is this dead zone north of Block Island where our satellite radio gets blocked, and I would just think about Ashlee,” said Martin. “If we were in cell range, I would put steering in auto, walk off the bridge, and give her a call. Her voice was the only thing that got me through those three hours.”
Each night, the cutter would anchor and send the small boat into the beach for a barbecue, or they would tie up at a local marina.
“Sometimes, we couldn’t get WiFi at the yacht club because Larry’s dumb ass didn’t get Chief to approve the request,” said Martin. “It really took a toll on our relationship.”
This modern day ‘Dear John’ letter that Martin received is not uncommon in the military.
Reports from the Marine Corps indicate a similar trend, although the message is usually a video of a significant other actively having sex with another person.