Neller to female Marines: ‘Come on baby, trust me’

General Robert Neller

WASHINGTON – In a recent statement attempting to smooth things over with female Marines in the wake of the Marines United nude photo scandal, Marine Commandant Gen. Robert Neller uttered the relationship-killing phrase “come on baby, trust me.”

The reaction among female Marines was swift and overwhelmingly negative.

“Every woman in the world has learned not to believe a man who says ‘trust me’ since she was 14. ‘It’s just soda, baby, trust me’ or ‘I promise you won’t get pregnant if we do it in the shower, trust me.’ Yeah right, a-hole,” said Sgt. Monica Birch.

“Trust him? Are you kidding me? If a man has to tell you to trust him, it’s because he’s a shady motherfucker you need to run away from as fast as possible,” said Capt. Jennifer Tanner.

Neller’s comments, which included strong messages of condemnation for the perpetrators, such as “I mean, c’mon guys. They just want to do their job. Let them do their job,” were met with skepticism.

“If that Air Force general who raped a colonel still gets to keep his fat pension, what hope do we have that the unidentified Marines who took pictures of my friend in the shower are going to get kicked out?” asked Birch.

“He’s all like ‘you gotta tell us if your pictures are in there,’ but it’s not like I’m on that page pathetically asking for nude pics because I can’t get any ass in real life, so how the hell would I know?” asked Cpl. Alicia Castaneda.

As word spread that the Marine Corps has known about such despicable behavior for years and done nothing, female Marines are weighing their options.

“Well, I was planning on serving my country in uniform for the next couple decades, but given the fact that I am fluent in Arabic and Farsi and have a master’s in political science, I might go get a six-figure job in the private sector,” said Tanner.

According to multiple reports, the only way Neller’s approval ratings could go any lower would be if he uttered the words “honey, calm down.”

Duffel Blog writer Lee Ho Fuk contributed to this article.


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