Captain America counseled for accumulating more than 2,000 days of unused leave

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WASHINGTON — Capt. Steve Rogers, also known as Captain America, has been formally counseled by his commander for accumulating 2,042.5 days of unused leave, sources confirmed today.

“We’ve had a lot of growing pains with Capt. Rogers,” said Lt. Col. Bill Traxton, Rogers’ commander. “The guy thinks he doesn’t have to show up for PT formation. If the pissed off captains in the S3 have to show up for PT, so does Captain Rogers.”

“I had to fight hard just to get this guy to not be declared AWOL a few years back. I’m not going to bat for him again,” Traxton said. “You can’t just sleep in an iceberg for 67 years without reporting to higher where your location is. I had to fill out over 100 pages of paperwork just to wave Captain Roger’s retention control point paperwork. He’s the oldest serving military member. You know how many times a year a guy like that has to update his MEDPROS? Don’t even get me started on DEERS. This is my second command and it’s a nightmare.”

In his counseling, Traxton noted that Rogers, 99, would forfeit the entirety of his leave or face separation from the military.

“I made it clear that what he did at his last unit has no bearing on how I command. You don’t get to just ride off of your previous accolades here,” Traxton said. “This isn’t the first time I’ve had trouble with Capt. Rogers. The guy traveled all the way to Sokovia a year or so ago without a properly submitted leave packet. He’s definitely my biggest headache. Where do the recruiters find these guys?”

According to sources, Capt. Rogers signed his counseling and checked the “agree” box. Rogers did not respond to a request for comment.

“I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to cover for him,” Rogers roommate, who spoke on condition of anonymity, told reporters. “Sometimes he disappears all weekend and I don’t know if he’s going to make it to morning formation. He also hasn’t made a lot of friends here. He keeps fucking up all of our punching bags.”

At press time, Rogers had filled out a completed leave packet for the entirety of his 2,012.5 days, although it was was rejected since it was over 30 days and did not have the brigade commander’s signature for approval.

“For him to avoid service for so long,” said Traxton. “Well, he accrued a lot of pay while in that ice and the paperwork to back-charge him taxes was astronomical. Thank goodness he decided to live on post and we didn’t have to also backpay his BAH.”