Citizen soldier shams at both

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BROKEN ARROW, Okla. – Army National Guard Sgt. Terrance McMahan has underwhelmed superiors and subordinates alike with his consistent shamming in both his full-time job as a refrigerator mechanic for Holsum Foods and National Guard assignment as a light-wheeled vehicle mechanic with the 45th Infantry Brigade Combat Team, sources confirmed today.

“Terrance is always ready, always there, but that’s about it,” said Staff Sgt. Roy Aubrey, his platoon sergeant. “I’ve seen him checked out at work, checked out at drill, and even checked out on deployment.”

“In fact,” added Aubrey, “I’ve even seen him half-assing it in the community during natural disaster call-ups. He’s the only one who calls responding to disastrous prairie fires ‘bullshit state active duty.'”

Eric Jones, McMahon’s supervisor at Hosum Foods, tells a similar story.

“McMahan is the kind of guy you can count on to show up whenever you need him. That’s about the limit of it, since he shows up hungover or naps in the break room so often. But we’re proud to be the kind of employer that supports his Guard career.”

Sources confirmed that McMahan is consistent in his dedication to showing up hungover in his military career as well. The soldier has also made a career out of accumulating days towards retirement both in and out of uniform.

Commanders explained that his dedication to being just barely good enough has prevented him from getting fired at Holsum or discharged from the Guard.

“I’ve been doing the two-career thing for 22 years and only holding this sergeant slot so no one else can get it for 15 years of that,” said McMahan. “People say that it’s rough having two jobs, but I think it’s only as hard as you make it.”