ST. PAUL, Minn. — Recently separated Army Sgt. Mike Watkins was shocked to learn this week that the word “fuck” is not considered an acceptable filler word during regular conversation, sources confirmed today.
The issue began when Watkins, in his new position as corporate liaison, gave a presentation about internal staffing to a visiting executive. After the meeting, he was approached by a human resources specialist and reprimanded for his language.
“Everyone really likes Mike. He’s a good looking, thoughtful guy who seems to know his job pretty well for such a short time. And don’t get me wrong, I’ve been known to swear now and again, but saying the f-word at least once a sentence isn’t normal,” said Nancy Epstein, the HR coordinator who reprimanded Watkins. ” I counted 267 times before Watkins finished. And I didn’t start until a few minutes in.”
Watkins, however, wasn’t entirely sure what the fuss was about.
“Fuck man, I don’t know what the fuck she’s talking about. This company said they’re fucking vet friendly, but who the fuck wants to work at a place where you can’t fucking talk like a….fuck…what’s the fucking word? Normal person! That’s what I was fucking trying to say.”
Still, some coworkers said that Watkins’ language wasn’t restricted to formal situations.
“I was talking to him in the break room and he dropped a spoon on the floor. The first swear word made sense, but then he went on to say that the bleeping f-stick who put the effing fork container on the edge of the effing counter should be skull-…well- you know. That can’t be normal right?” asked Michelle Taft, an accountant who works down the hall.
Josh Brodrick, who shares a workspace with Watkins, speculated that his condition might be psychological.
“I’ve been taking some classes for night school,” he said. “And it seems like this dude isn’t firing on all cylinders. In all other respects he seems like a regular guy, but while normal people say ‘umm’ or ‘like’, Mike seems unable to say anything but ‘fuck’. It’s actually kind of fascinating. I might use him as the subject of my mid-term.”
As part of his rehabilitation, Watkins’ manager suggested he use a swear jar, placing a dollar in it every time a coworker hears him using foul language. Unfortunately that plan had to be cancelled after only 2 hours, when Watkins’ exceeded his draw limit at the local ATM.