Opinion: I hope you consider reenlisting

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The following is an op-ed written by the person who’s made your life a living hell over the last four years.

Hey, let’s talk. I hear you’re getting out and you need to think about re-enlisting. You know me, I’m the boss who’s made your life a living hell from the moment we met, and I think we’re great friends.

The military needs hard workers like you. I screwed you over for years and took credit for everything you did because I was trying to get the most out of you. Remember that time I had everyone wait until after working hours to start working so nobody would be there to question what you were doing?

Yeah, I don’t have faith in my leadership or the people under my command. You should stick around and let me lead you some more.

Over the last few years I’ve dealt you psychological abuse on a daily basis. Because of me you’ve developed emotional trauma leaving you with feelings of inadequacy that will last for years and wreak hell on your personal relationships.

And throughout it all your job performance has been exemplary, so there was no reason for this abuse at all. You’re such a good worker! I have the list of awards you were submitted for in my office. You never got them? Oh yeah, it’s because I threw them out. Haha, fuck you. Know how every time you were mentioned in morning formation I called you a fag?

You may not believe it now, but you’re going to miss this.

Think about all the great times you’ve had in the military. Remember the times I blamed you for something I did wrong, or the time I took a swing at you? Yeah, that was fun. The military’s just what you make of it.

Listen, I know you were talking about some things you wanted to do in the military. You want some extra training? Some schools? No problem. Whatever you want, you’ll get it if you reenlist. I promise you. I’ll even put it in writing.

Yeah, just sign on the line here and you’ll get everything you want. Oh, remember all those things I promised?

Yeah that was bullshit. Don’t blame me, I did my job. You re-enlisted.