Marine guarding Heaven’s Gates looks forward to growing beard after apocalypse

HEAVEN — A Marine charged with standing post at Heaven’s main gate says he can’t wait until the Apocalypse destroys all of creation so he can finally leave the service and grow a beard, sources confirmed today.

Lance Cpl. George Yanosy, who in his corporeal form was killed fighting somewhere for some important reason, has become increasingly disgruntled since the fine print on his signing bonus endeared him to the Marine Corps for perpetuity.

According to Yanosy, most of the service’s rules are outdated and don’t make sense to his generation of supernatural beings.

“I’m made of a freakin’ ethereal mist, I don’t know why He makes such a big deal about shaving,” he said, noting that despite his lack of a physical form, he still gets razor burn every morning.

Yanosy says he is also perplexed as to why, in a world where all communication is done instantaneously via cosmic love waves, he has to do a radio check at the top and bottom of every hour.

“I mean, we live in a metaphysical spirit world. What does He expect me to do with this 240?” asked Yanosy, referring to the machine gun that would have absolutely no effect on any of the immortal beings that occupy His realm. “And the food sucks.”

Yanosy’s platoon sergeant, Basilone the Archangel, says his contract clearly stipulates that he has to serve until the End Times.

“We told him, ‘once a Marine, always a Marine,'” said Basilone. “You think that ends just because you’re a manifestation of divine light?”

Yanosy admits that even though his current form transcends emotion, leaving the Marine Corps following Armageddon will be bittersweet.

“I’ve had some good times in the Marines, but there’s other things I want to do with my eternal existence,” said Yanosy, contemplating life after the Corps in a universe where time will cease to exist. “Travel, visit Asgard, maybe start a t-shirt company.”

At press time, an army of demons had invaded Heaven after Yanosy fell asleep on post.


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