Heroic CIF employee refuses to accept triple amputee’s bloody plate carrier

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CAMP LEJEUNE, N.C. — Local Consolidated Issue Facility (CIF) attendant Robert Jones upheld the high standards of his profession earlier this week when he turned away a triple amputee’s plate carrier for being too dirty, sources confirmed today.

The body armor, which was covered in blood after Lance Cpl. Warren Childs was grievously wounded by an improvised explosive device in Afghanistan, was “totally unserviceable,” according to Jones.

“Somebody has to hold the line when it comes to standards,” he told reporters, during his fourth lunch break of the morning. “If I accept a bloody flak jacket today, what’s to stop these Marines from trying to turn in a helmet with a bullet hole in it tomorrow?”

Jones added that it was important that leaders in positions such as his maintain perspective on the issues that really matter, and don’t compromise their integrity for the whims of a few “presumptuous Purple Heart recipients.”

“It’s people like Mr. Jones out on the front lines of the CIF service counter who truly make our Corps what it is,” said Marine Corps Commandant Gen. Robert Neller. “Real warfighters.”

Childs, who lost both legs and an arm in the blast, says he scrubbed the armor for hours with his one remaining appendage, but the multiple liters of his bodily fluids that caked the gear just wouldn’t come out.

“I guess it’s my fault for not keeping my gear clean,” said Childs, who just months earlier had fought off an enemy attack with his M249 SAW while digging the stumps of his severed legs into the ground to prevent himself from bleeding out. “Sometimes when you’re in combat you forget that the real fight is back here in the supply depots and bloated staff sections.”

At press time, Childs was filling out a missing gear statement for a canteen that was also lost in the blast.

Duffel Blog supply columnist Donnell contributed to this report.