DUFFEL BLOG PRESENTS: Kurt Vonnegut gives your weekend safety brief

61,702

My name is Kurt Vonnegut, and I fought in the Battle of the Bulge and came slightly unstuck in time. I’m here to give you your weekend safety briefing, which I know you don’t want to hear and I agree you shouldn’t have to hear. No such luck!

During this weekend, which is nothing about military business, there is a microscopic possibility that you will have access to romance and alcohol. I suppose that’s like being exposed to the truth of Christ. You both fear Him and are attracted to Him. Do your best with this truth but don’t do more than your best, because that’s how STDs and caskets get made. So it goes. Next slide.

I was once accepted to the University of Michigan when this offer to me of an appointment to the U.S. Military Academy came out of the blue. At West Point, what I would have liked to have been, at that time, was a pianist. I would have liked to play Chopin. I wanted to impress the commanding officer and his wife. I was terrified of their daughter, so I didn’t want to impress her. But she was the one most impressed, and invited me to her bedroom.

The next day, the commander and his wife spoke to my parents. Then my parents took me to a military recruiting station where I enlisted in the Army in 1943. I fought in the Battle of the Bulge but only did enough to stay alive. After all, I planned to be remembered as a pianist, not a war veteran.

When I was in the Battle of the Bulge, I found a case of wine and a woman’s overcoat. I took them with me and, over the next several days, drank the wine while we retreated. I was drunk and warm for the first time since landing in Europe. But then I got captured by the Germans. They took my wine and left me my coat. I guess the lesson is to not steal wine because you will end up slightly unstuck in time, and hiding in a slaughterhouse during a massive firebombing of Dresden, Germany. But it’s OK to steal women’s coats and wear them. So it goes.

Therefore, on this weekend, I think you should stay away from women of ill repute like the daughters of commissioned officers. Or else you too may find yourselves fighting in the Battle of the Bulge or working in a German labor camp. Next slide.

Finally, remember this other truth of Christ. He knew what was going down after the Last Supper. So make sure you know what’s going down after Last Call. You know what I’m talking about, Privates Dismas and Gestas.

Dismissed until 0630 on Monday. So it goes.