Local boy joins Marines, returns a boy

PANTUCKET, Okla. — Local boy Dan Winters returned from Marine boot camp earlier this week, and according to numerous sources, he returned in the same emotionally stunted and immature condition he displayed the day he left for Parris Island.…

Lieutenant replaced by adorable cockney chimney sweep

FORT HOOD, TX — Second Platoon Leader Lt. Wilson Fraiser was recently replaced by a lovable, Dickensian, orphan chimney-sweep named Archibald Winters III, sources confirmed on Monday. Such children were often found on the streets of 19th…

Pimpatronic 5000 appointed as Navy Vice Admiral of Vice

WASHINGTON — Sir Orgasmotron Electrokisses IV has been appointed the Navy's 56th Vice Admiral of Vice, and was sworn in at a small ceremony today in the Pentagon's pleasure gardens during the new autumn moon amidst a roiling mass of bodies,…

Captain Crunch nominated as Secretary of Scrumptiousness

WASHINGTON — President-elect Donald Trump said Saturday he had chosen retired Navy Cap'n Horatio Magellan Crunch to be secretary of scrumptiousness. “We are going to appoint the Cap'n,” Trump told a small group of reporters outside of his…

Ask A Needlessly Complex Army Flowchart

Dear Needlessly Complex Army Flowchart, I'm moving to Fort Hood with my wife, and I'm concerned about housing. I understand that living in married housing is probably the financially responsible decision, but my wife and I are willing to…

Sergeant Smith From Alpha Company Is A Total Dick

In the scope of human endeavors, seldom has an individual failed so drastically at their profession, the ability to perform mundane tasks, and life in general. Sergeant Smith, you are truly an accomplishment in your mediocrity. Sources…

Point/Counterpoint: Navy SEALs

The following is a point/counterpoint opinion article discussing the intense debate over the seals. Point: The United States Navy SEALs are the world's premiere fighting force. Nay, we are the most efficient operators the world has ever…

Point/Counterpoint: The Range Is Clear

The following is a point/counterpoint opinion article written by each side of the range paddle. The White Side of a Two-Toned Range Paddle — The Range is Clear The range is clear. I repeat, the range is free from obstruction and cleared…