armydave

armydave

Dave is a communications wizard of the 4th degree. Having served in Iraq twice, he is pretty good at staring blankly at hesco baskets and getting exhaust samples.

armydave has written 12 article(s).


Decorated War Hero, Airborne Ranger Emasculated By Wife At Local Mall

by armydave

Guys Sitting at Mall

KILLEEN, TX – Sources confirmed that earlier this afternoon while sitting outside of a dressing room in a mall boutique, decorated soldier Samuel Williams was publicly dressed down by his twenty-four year old wife. Williams, a Staff Sergeant who once killed a man with his bare hands, is an Airborne Ranger that has spent five [...]

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Hooah? Hooah!

by armydave

painted-rocks-2

HOOAH, HH - Hooah hooah hoaohhoah hoah. Ho0ah hooahhooah hooahhooahhoah hoah, hooah hooah hooah hooah. Hooah hoah hoah hoah hoah hooah.  Hoahhooahhooah hoah hooah hoah hoah.  Hoah hooah ho-ah. “Hooah,” hoah Hooah. “Hoooooooahhhhhhhh” Hooahhooah hoah hooah hoah. Hoah hooah hoahhoahhoah hoah hoah. Hoahhoah Hoahhoah Hoahhoah (HOAH) hooah. Hoahhoah hoah hoah, hoah hoah hoah hoah, hoah hoah [...]

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Department of Defense Unveils T-700, Highly Advanced ‘Death Robot’

by armydave

The new T-700

THE PENTAGON - Earlier today, the Department of Defense released details of its highly secretive T-700 program — the culmination of a goal to design and build mankind’s first mechanized humanoid war platform. The “Giant Death Robot”, as its nick-named, was a collaborative effort between the Michigan Institute of Technology, the Department of Defense, and leading [...]

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Platoon Connex Hungers For Flesh Of Innocent, Occasional Private

by armydave

The Platoon's Connex Box

FORT HOOD, TX - Following a strange meteorological phenomenon late last night, 2nd Platoon’s connex attained self-awareness and developed a ravenous hunger for the tender meat of the unbaptized. A connex is a large metal container used by the Army to store and ship large amounts of equipment. 2nd Platoon’s connex typically fit this description until [...]

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National Association of Second Lieutenants Responds To Criticism

by armydave

Second Lieutenant Brietovich

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The National Association of Second Lieutenants released a statement and held a press conference today in response to almost universal criticism their members have been receiving from soldiers, Marines, and airmen. The statement comes on the heels of a controversial change to the military’s promotion scheme. The group spokesman, Second Lieutenant Jack [...]

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Teenage Enlistee Negates Oath of Enlistment With Fingers Crossed Behind Back

by armydave

Fingers crossed

NEW ORLEANS, LA - Earlier today, Private Jackson Smith took the oath of enlistment, which would make him a proud soldier in the United States Army. But the joke is on Smith’s superiors because he secretly crossed his fingers behind his back as he recited the hallowed words – thereby nullifying anything he was promising to [...]

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Op-Ed: Formation Is Definitely Happening On Time Today

by armydave

Soldiers In Formation

The following is an op-ed piece written by Specialist Jason Smith. No way First Sergeant is keeping us late today, not going to happen. I mean, we got the camo cleaned out and rolled up, the shelters are prepped, and that damn conex is straightened out. Ain’t going to happen. It’s been four fucking months [...]

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General Mattis Crashes RNC, Shreds On Triple-Neck Guitar For Grunts In Helmand

by armydave

Mattis-large

TAMPA, FL - The Republican National Convention was unexpectedly interrupted last night during Mitt Romney’s acceptance speech by an extremely loud guitar solo from CENTCOM Commander General James Mattis. After having personnel from his headquarters at nearby MacDill Air Force base set up speakers, amplifiers, and a stage outside the convention center, Mattis began “ripping it” [...]

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