ArmyJ

ArmyJ does not sleep....he waits. Occasionally he can be seen wandering around in a military uniform, but he flees when approached by those of higher rank.

ArmyJ has written 33 article(s).

DUI Wreckage Reminds Soldier It’s A Holiday Weekend

by ArmyJ

FORT LEWIS, WA — Specialist Jeremy Price wasn’t having a good Friday. His platoon leader had gotten them all lost on a trail run during PT. They had gotten back so late that he didn’t have time to shower, so he threw on a uniform, still sweaty, and was five minutes late to his Sergeant [...]

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Captain Spends 13 Hours Coming Up With Cool Operation Name, 15 Minutes Planning Mission

by ArmyJ

PANJWAI, AFGHANISTAN — U.S. Army Capt. Mike Aldrich hunches over his makeshift desk at Forward Operating Base Sperwan Ghar. He is the commander of Alpha Company, 1-16th Infantry Regiment, and currently nearing the end of a marathon 13 hour planning session. Functioning mainly on caffeine powders and poorly made coffee, the haggard officer is surrounded by [...]

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Soldier Assigned To AFRICOM Angry, Confused After Landing In Germany

by ArmyJ

STUTTGART, GERMANY — A soldier assigned to Africa Command appeared extremely confused and angry after landing in Germany, which is apparently not Africa, or even in Africa, sources confirmed. After his transport plane landed, Private First Class Eric Lynch could hardly contain his excitement after “receiving the posting of his dreams” at AFRICOM. The newest [...]

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Veterans Suicide Memorial Unveiled In Nation’s Capitol

by ArmyJ

WASHINGTON, D.C. — A controversial new memorial was unveiled in the nation’s capitol Monday, after Congress reallocated $2 billion in funding from veterans benefits and post-traumatic stress counseling to approve “The Armed Forces Suicide Memorial” nearly two years ago. The monument — a 25 foot high granite table topped with a fifth of Jack Daniels [...]

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Opinion: The Army Gave Me Drugs And It Was The Best Day Of My Life

by ArmyJ

So I had surgery this week. Nothing crazy, but enough to put me on some serious medication for a while. Let me tell you, greatest day of my life man. I fucking love the Army. These big old pills for pain, then some others to help me sleep well. I guess those are for when [...]

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Army Says Beatings Will Continue Until Morale Improves

by ArmyJ

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Secretary of the Army has announced the service will soon reinstitute corporal punishment in order to improve soldiers’ morale, which recent studies show is at an all-time low. In a new report, Secretary John McHugh highlights a number of punishment methods he claims will “get the Army on track.” While the full [...]

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Solder Re-Classes To Cav Just So He Can Recite Lines From ‘Apocalypse Now’

by ArmyJ

KILLEEN, TX — The Army’s 1st Cavalry Division has been under fire in recent years, with soldiers claiming their obsession with obsolete uniform items — Stetson cowboy hats and spurs without rowels — make them stand out in addition to being the target of countless jokes from other service members. More recently, the enormous and expensive [...]

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Budget Cuts Won’t Reduce Massive Size Of First Cavalry Division Patch

by ArmyJ

FORT HOOD, TX – As conventional budget cuts loom on the heels of sequestration, leaders across the military are considering innovative and helpful ways to lower operating costs without hurting unit training or weapons qualifications. However, one common-sense suggestion — “a no-brainer” according to one Pentagon official — has ruined at least one officer’s career on the [...]

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