Gods finally call John Glenn back to Olympus

COLUMBUS, Ohio — A massive crowd gathered outside of the home of American demi-God John Glenn to celebrate his ascension back to Olympus early this morning. Flowers, love letters, and various animal sacrifices littered the ground for acres…

Expert Marksman killed in first gunfight

KANDAHAR, Afghanistan — Sgt. Marc Harper, top marksman in Alpha Company, was killed three days ago by enemy fire during a gunfight in southern Afghanistan, the Army has announced. Witnesses report that although Harper expended his entire…

Admiral in Japan baffled by 900% spike in drug cases

YOKOSUKA, Japan — The commander of US Naval forces in Japan, Rear Adm. Matthew Carter, is reportedly “disturbed and baffled” by a report that drug incidents among sailors stationed in the island nation have skyrocketed almost 900% in recent…

Ray Mabus admits that he just hates the Navy

THE PENTAGON — Secretary of the Navy Ray Mabus admitted to reporters last week that the reason he’s made so many unpopular changes is because he “just hates the Navy.” The remarks came during a press conference in which Mabus was defending…