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Author: Addison Blu

Army veteran, writer, nerd.
FORT BRAGG, N.C. — Darren Johnson, ten-time employee of the year at the Fort Bragg Central Issue Facility, has had trouble finding Mrs. Right despite his numerous awards. “I don’t have high standards for women, I just uphold the common standard better than other people,” Johnson told reporters while rejecting a soldier’s unused sleep mat […]
RAQQA — Local ISIS fighter Ali Rabadi was recently decapitated after taking a knee during Muslim prayer to protest the treatment of Shia minorities, sources confirmed today. ISIS commander Kalid Al-Nabk said his problem was not with Rabadi’s views, but his way of expressing them. “I hate to see oppression of minorities just as much […]
AUGUSTA, Ga. — Although her parents, coworkers, and supervisors were all hopeful given the name of her birth, alleged NSA leaker and Air Force veteran Reality Winner is more accurately described as a delusional loser, sources confirmed today. Despite the fact that millions of Americans sympathize with those who leak classified information in the name […]
FORT BRAGG, N.C. — After an unexpected spike in the price of ibuprofen brand Motrin, Surgeon General Nadja West has announced that the Army is unable to provide the drug for ailing soldiers until further notice. “We prescribe and deliver close to one billion milligrams of Motrin a day,” West said. “In addition to our […]
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