Stormtrooper

Stormtrooper

"Stormtrooper" is a US Marine Corps computer nerd who enjoys wasting his collective paychecks on skillfully-done tattoos, expensive alcoholic beverages and obscure t-shirts that most people don't understand. When he's not slapping a keyboard or randomly plugging things into other things to look productive for his OIC, he is thinking of new concepts for artwork that he can sketch out in order to prove that the Marine Corps hasn't completely fried his creativity. Send in hate mail or love letters to [email protected]

Stormtrooper has written 9 article(s).


Marine Corps Establishes ‘Service Utilities’ For More Professional Look

by Stormtrooper

Service Utilities Marine Corps

CAMP PENDLETON, CA – In a bold move designed to bring professionalism to new heights, the Marine Corps is introducing a new uniform regulation, tentatively dubbed, “Service Utilities.” After senior leaders complained the Marine Corps was losing touch with its professional side, General James Amos, Commandant of the Marine Corps, issued a directive earlier this year directing [...]

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United States Ready To Declare War On The Sun

by Stormtrooper

Missile launching into the sun

THE PENTAGON — Nuclear missile silos have begun preparatory operations and are aiming their warheads skyward as the United States Air Force and NASA draft plans for a potential full-on assault on the largest threat in our Solar System — the sun itself. On November 2nd, NASA scientists launched a small telescope into space to study [...]

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Jewish Marine Refuses To Conduct Annual Gas Mask Qualification

by Stormtrooper

Marines Training with Gas masks

CAMP PENDLETON, CA — Testing the effectiveness of the M50 Joint Service General Purpose Mask in a room filled with tear gas is a staple of annual training events for Marines since boot camp, but one Marine refuses to participate, insisting that her chain of command is comprised of fascists typical of Nazi Germany. Private [...]

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Marines Engage In Reckless Behavior Due To Lack Of Safety Brief

by Stormtrooper

Okinawa, Kin Club 88

CAMP HANSEN, OKINAWA - Marine Staff Sergeant Vincent Heiserman is facing the prospect of court martial today after failing to give Marines under his charge a weekend safety brief, according to his command. Sources confirmed that more than a dozen Marines of the 31st Marine Expeditionary Unit (MEU) will face non-judicial punishment (NJP) after a series [...]

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Entire Battalion Flattened By 7-Ton After Road Guard Fails To Post

by Stormtrooper

Marine Corps 7-Ton

CAMP PENDLETON, CA - The rhythmic echoes of running cadence are a familiar sound on any military installation, but the usual “lo-right-lay-oh” was accompanied by screams last Friday when an entire battalion was run over by a 7-Ton truck after a road guard failed to assume his post. The Marines of 9th Communications Battalion are known for their [...]

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Marine Hospitalized After Confrontation with Grizzly Bear

by Stormtrooper

Grizzly Bear Choke Hold

SCOTTSDALE, AZ - A Marine reservist is in critical condition after grappling with a fully grown grizzly bear yesterday in his suburban home. Similar in vein to several recent incidents, the bear broke into the home of Sergeant Sean Bush, who promptly engaged the gargantuan grizzly in hand-to-hand combat. “I was just sitting in my room [...]

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Southern Command Reports Unexplained Murders In South American Jungle

by Stormtrooper

Predator

FORT SAM HOUSTON, TX — The leadership of US Southern Command is struggling to explain recent and mysterious murders in the uncharted jungles of South America. US military construction in the regions of Honduras and Guatemala has nearly doubled in the last two years under the auspices of the drug war, despite protests from several ruling [...]

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DoD Unveils New Troop Leading Steps For Military, ‘RIMJOBS’ To Streamline Mission Planning

by Stormtrooper

An Army Lieutenant Briefs His Troops According to the new RIMJOBS procedure

CAMP PENDLETON, CA – While many in the military are familiar with current troop leading procedures, the Pentagon has proposed a change to streamline the steps and standardize mission planning across the force. The Army’s troop leading steps — represented by the acronym RIMSRCIS, and the Marines’ ‘BAMCIS’ are soon to be replaced by a new [...]

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