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Author: Donnell

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ARLINGTON, Va. — A number of former top military officers across the nation are expressing outrage and confusion after Hollywood executive Harvey Weinstein suffered consequences in the wake of an ongoing sexual harassment scandal, sources confirmed today. “I can’t believe what I’m seeing,” former Brig. Gen. Jeffrey Sinclair said of Weinstein being forced out of […]
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FORT BRAGG, N.C. — Controversial soldier Bowe Bergdahl is jumping into the world of small business ownership, opening a new Escape Room location in the luxurious city of Fayetteville, sources confirmed today. Bergdahl’s Escape Room franchise will feature an Afghanistan-themed environment, including Hesco barriers, piss-tubes, and a complimentary actor masturbating danger-close to your cot. Participants […]
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FORT STEWART, Ga. — Master Sgt. Rollie Jenkins, a wheeled-vehicle mechanic by training, told his soldiers again today that he would destroy boxer Floyd “Money” Mayweather in a martial arts fight, sources confirmed. After spending five days of training in the Army’s martial arts system, the Modern Army Combatives Program (MACP), Jenkins said he was […]
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CANNON BALL, N.D. — The Army Corps of Engineers has agreed to pull out of planned operations in tribal areas of North Dakota, citing irreconcilable differences. Deputy Chief of Engineers Maj. Gen. Richard Stevens expressed disgust with the situation, telling reporters his guys had worked for months to get a hook-up. “We even got approval from […]
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SACRAMENTO, Calif. — California National Guard officials expressed alarm on Tuesday at a sudden and unexplained increase in suicides within its ranks. “We went from an average rate of one death per day to 15 all of sudden,” said Capt. Landon Thomas, a spokesperson for the Guard. “It’s nuts. We had to call in our AGR guys to […]
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