G-Had

G-Had hates your freedom.

G-Had has written 74 article(s).

Military Justice System Augmented By Shariah Law

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The U.S. military has confirmed rumors that it plans to augment the Uniform Code of Military Justice, or UCMJ, with parts of Islamic Shariah law. “In the name of God, the most compassionate and merciful, and his Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him, I announce that the Uniform Islamic Code of Military Justice is [...]

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Afghan ‘Game of Thrones’ Fans Stage Real-Life Wedding Massacre

by G-Had

JALALABAD, AFGHANISTAN — A group of Game of Thrones fans in Afghanistan have taken their love of the show to an impressive new level, staging a recreation of last week’s ‘Red Wedding’ massacre by gunning down a real-life wedding party in Kunar Province. “We made it about as authentic as we could,” said gunman Tariq [...]

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Camp Leatherneck Begins Hunger Strike

by G-Had

CAMP LEATHERNECK, AFGHANISTAN — Marines at Camp Leatherneck have begun a base-wide hunger strike in an attempt to draw attention to what they described as the “appalling” humanitarian nightmare unfolding on the installation. In a letter submitted by Maj. Theo Gennaro, a C-130 pilot, and hand-delivered to the office of RC-Southwest leader Maj. Gen. Walter [...]

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US Defense Network Disabled By Porn-Displaying ‘Suxnet’ Virus

by G-Had

WASHINGTON, D.C. — U.S. military officials confirmed Monday that the entire U.S. defense network was briefly disabled last week by an Iranian computer virus that infects military computers and then runs nonstop pornography on them. Rumors of the Iranian virus, dubbed ‘Suxnet’ by members of the U.S. military, have been circulating since as early as [...]

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Muslims Outraged After Boston Bomber Buried In Confederate Cemetery

by G-Had

RICHMOND, VA — America’s leading Islamic organization took to the airwaves today in outrage after a local news station confirmed rumors that the deceased Boston Marathon bomber had accidentally been interred in a Confederate military cemetery. WCSA Channel 61 broke the story on Monday that Tamerlan Tsarnaev had not been interred in the Al-Barzakh cemetery [...]

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Air Force Holds Bake Sale To Buy Bomber

by G-Had

WASHINGTON, DC – With the Air Force facing a series of combined wartime and sequestration budget cuts totaling over $14 billion, Air Force Chief of Staff Mark Welsh III outlined to reporters today the Air Force’s new procurement plan to use local bake sales to fund the purchase of aircraft. “We’re going to need a hell of [...]

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James Mattis Retires To Search For Ancient Artifact

by G-Had

TAMPA, FL – Four-star General James Mattis held a press conference at MacDill Air Force Base today to announce his early retirement from the Marine Corps to search for the Spear of Destiny. Reached for comment outside his office at MacDill, surrounded by staff members clutching paperwork and demanding his signature, General Mattis calmly told The [...]

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Iraq War Retroactively Justified By Discovery Of Weapons Of Mass Destruction

by G-Had

BAGHDAD, IRAQ – United Nations weapons inspectors have confirmed the announcement on Monday by the Iraqi government that its soldiers had finally discovered Saddam Hussein’s weapons of mass destruction program, completely upending the history of the Iraq War, once viewed as a pointless quagmire but now seen as a tough but necessary conflict. The New [...]

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