Merrick

Merrick served as an Army infantryman in Iraq. He's a surfer from Southern California which means he's cooler than you and could probably nail your girlfriend. So with that said, please send all hate mail or pictures of hot, FEMALE fans (sorry Navy, he doesn't swing that way) to [email protected]

Merrick has written 9 article(s).

‘Take Your Fobbit To Work Day’ Ends In Newfound Respect, 27 Wounded In Action

by Merrick

KANDAHAR, AFGHANISTAN — Pentagon sources were proud to announce the success of a new, yearly event which allowed Fobbits — service-members who spend their entire tour on Forward Operating Base — the opportunity to venture out into Afghanistan alongside combat units. “I was super excited when I first found out,” said Specialist Jimmy McNulty, a [...]

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Military Bans Tobacco Products To Improve Combat Effectiveness In Afghanistan

by Merrick

BAGRAM, AFGHANISTAN — The Pentagon is unveiling a new policy banning tobacco products for most troops in Afghanistan that planners believe will improve combat effectiveness. “We are always trying to find new ways to increase the lethality of our combat forces,” Pentagon spokesman Col. Jack Taylor said. “In an unconventional war, sometimes you need unconventional [...]

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Soldier Asks Black Army Buddy To Be Best Man At Wedding, KY Community Stunned

by Merrick

HARLAN COUNTY, KY — A blatantly racist soldier is being praised for what civil rights activists are calling an ‘enormous leap forward’ in race relations. The former junior KKK member, Private First Class Raylan Crowder, received accolades after asking African-American war buddy, Specialist Tyron Johnson, to be the best man at his wedding. However, the choice [...]

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Soldier Extends For Ninth Consecutive Tour Because She ‘Likes To Feel Pretty’

by Merrick

BAGRAM AIRFIELD — A female Army private is proud to receive some recognition today, after media outlets learned that she holds the record for longest-serving soldier in Afghanistan. Private Amanda Holder, standing at five feet tall and a hundred and seventy-two pounds, spoke candidly to Duffel Blog reporters. The 27-year old soldier was only 19 when [...]

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$387Bn Congressional Study Proves ‘Pen Not Mightier Than The Sword’

by Merrick

WASHINGTON, D.C. – A newly released study conducted by Congress has proven once and for all that the pen is not mightier than the sword. Over a year long period, Special Operation Forces (SOF) serving in Afghanistan were outfitted with pens as their primary weapon of engagement, instead of the standard M-4 assault rifle. The [...]

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Former TRADOC Soldier Confused, Scared After Discovering Army Changed

by Merrick

FORT EUSTIS, VA – A former U.S. Training and Doctrine Command (TRADOC) soldier was surprised to find the Army has evolved much in the last twelve years. After immediately requesting a transfer to TRADOC on September 12, 2001 and spending over a decade instructing in numerous Army schools, he decided it was time for much [...]

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Vatican Denounces Soldier Who Ate MRE Poundcake, Had Miracle Image Of Virgin Mary

by Merrick

KANDAHAR, AFGHANISTAN – Vatican officials are denouncing a U.S. Army soldier today after learning that the deployed service-member ate a “miraculous and holy MRE poundcake,” according to a witness statements. Miracles happen everyday throughout the military, from having a bullet miss by inches to a roadside bomb failing to detonate. For Specialist Tom Moore, it meant finding [...]

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Vet Placed On Academic Probation After Murder Of Student Who Asked ‘If He Ever Killed Anyone’

by Merrick

COSTA MESA, CA - One life has ended and another’s academic future is on life support after a tragic day at Orange County Community College in Southern California. The incident took place during a discussion of PTSD in a psychology class when one student decided to share his struggles as a war veteran. “After I told [...]

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