North Korea executes, trains new rocket scientists

PYONGYANG — North Korean plans to train a new crop of rocket scientists soon after it executes its current cadre following its next failed ballistic missile launch, sources confirmed today. Dear Leader Kim Jong Un, who according to sources,…

Gatorade Awarded $1 Billion Piss Bottle Contract

WASHINGTON — Gatorade has finalized a $1 billion deal making it the official supplier of piss bottles for the Department of Defense, the company announced today. The contract to supply hundreds of thousands of "Urine Disposal Device,…

USMC Eliminates Safety in Attempt to Cut Numbers

QUANTICO, Va. — As the Marine Corps adapts to the new realities of sequestration, senior leaders are seeking novel approaches to further reducing personnel, sources say. According to members of the Commandant's staff, the Marine Corps will…