Jerry

The only known weasel whisperer in the known universe, Jerry's hobbies include lying to strangers, hitching rides in empty boxcars on the Northwest Railroad, and crochet. Contact: [email protected]

Jerry has written 16 article(s).

Navy Investigators: No Suspects In Alleged Shipboard Bear Attacks

by Jerry

USS JOHN C. STENNIS – Navy investigators on supercarrier USS John C. Stennis (CVN-74) have no leads after a string of three gruesome murders onboard the ship, officials report. The first incident occurred nearly five weeks ago, though a media blackout was ordered by the ships commander, Rear Admiral Troy Shoemaker, due to the Stennis’ current [...]

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Aerial Friendly Fire Incident Ends With Medal, Promotion

by Jerry

CORONADO, CA — U.S. Navy pilot Lt. Nick Reynolds will soon be awarded the Navy Achievement Medal (NAM), after successfully firing a missile on a friendly F-18 fighter jet during live-fire training, officials said. Lt. (Junior grade) Alan Dawkins has been sent to the hospital after narrowly surviving the Mar. 29 attack on his aircraft. [...]

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Pentagon, Hollywood Team Up To Produce Better Military Films

by Jerry

HOLLYWOOD, CA — A surprising new partnership between Hollywood and the Department of Defense was announced today, which sources say will result in better military movies, more combat realism, and more reflective belts, among other perks. Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel took the stage alongside CEO of Warner Bros. Studios, Barry Meyer, who made the major announcement. [...]

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Annapolis Swim Team Champion Found Dead In Bucket Of Water

by Jerry

ANNAPOLIS, MD - Tragedy struck the US Naval Academy yesterday after the champion of the Academy swim team was found dead in a five-gallon bucket of water. Midshipman Jamie Freeman, 22, was unresponsive after being found by other students. While foul play has not been ruled out, medical examiners have determined drowning to be the cause [...]

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Distraught Terrorist Takes His Own Life On Crowded Bus

by Jerry

WASHINGTON, D.C. – After a recent bombing incident in downtown Washington, an investigation has revealed that the terrorist suspected of carrying out the attack had “only the best intentions for the American people in his heart.” While he came to the U.S. originally as a religious zealot, the bomber, who has been identified as Farshad Hashar, [...]

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Weight Loss Guru Teaches Marines How To Quickly Get Within Standards

by Jerry

Quantico, VA – As the Marine Corps clamps down on body fat standards, one thing is clear: Marines have no excuse for not making their weigh-in goals. From the wide adoption of CrossFit workouts to their partnership with celebrity trainers, senior leaders have shown their dedication to helping Marines maintain their image as lean force [...]

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Humvee Axle Snaps, Engine Stops Working; ‘Not Our Fault’ Says Motor T

by Jerry

CAMP HANSEN, OKINAWA – Two Marines with 2nd Battalion, 3rd Marines are in hot water this week after a chain of unfortunate events has left their government vehicle in ruins. 2nd Battalion, 3rd Marines is in preparation for their upcoming duty with the 31st Marine Expeditionary Unit (Special Operations Capable). Early on the morning of [...]

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Marine Recruits Used To Generate Power To San Diego, California Energy Crisis Solved

by Jerry

CAMP PENDLETON, CA – After worrying outages at the San Onofre Nuclear Power Station, the White House recently stepped in to demonstrate leadership in a growing California energy crisis. In an executive order released yesterday, President Barack Obama announced the launch of his new directive, saying that he was “utilizing the unstoppable,” in which Marine Corps [...]

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