Tony

Tony is a soldier and Iraq War veteran responsible for over 400 enemy kills. Instead of weapons, he has consistently "killed them with kindness".

Tony has written 19 article(s).

Army Determined To Eliminate All Operational Memory Of War On Terror

by Tony

ARLINGTON, VA — The Department of the Army announced Wednesday they are determined to eliminate all operational memory from more than a decade of fighting the Global War on Terror. Secretary of the Army John McHugh made it clear that these kind of cuts were necessary in the post-Afghanistan Army, despite having troops deployed in [...]

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Haqqani Network Struggles To Use Up Explosives For Fiscal Year

by Tony

PESHAWAR, PAKISTAN — Officials from The Haqqani Network claim that the terror network is struggling to use up its explosives quota amid lingering buget cuts. Known for its sophisticated terrorist operations in Afghanistan, the network has struggled with more rudimentary financial problems this past year — namely the justification for more explosives. Although only half [...]

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First Enlisted Service Members Union Approved by Army, Strike Imminent

by Tony

ARLINGTON, VA — In a historic move, the Department of the Army has recognized the right of service members to unionize. “Historically, collective bargaining has improved American working conditions and made us the envy of the world economically. We’re pleased to announce that our soldiers can now have that right. In defending democracy, our service members [...]

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Facing Mass Layoffs, Taliban Protest US Sequester

by Tony

QUETTA, PAKISTAN – As the United States rapidly approaches the deadline for sequestration, President Obama is getting support from an unlikely quarter: Taliban spiritual leader Mullah Muhammad Omar. In a video released today, Taliban spokesman Zabibullah Mujahid read a statement from the group’s supreme leader: ”I, Mullah Muhammad Omar, Emir of the Taliban, Commander of the Boy Brigades, Custodian of the [...]

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Intelligence Concludes North Africa Still ‘Pretty Much A Shithole’

by Tony

RAF MOLESWORTH, UK - In a major assessment paper released today, the Defense Intelligence Agency has concluded that north Africa is “basically one gigantic shithole.” The assessment cites the attack on American consulate in Benghazi, Libya, continued unrest and strife under the Muslim Brotherhood in Egypt, the ongoing al-Qaida seizure of northern Mali, and the recent Algerian [...]

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Mandatory Christmas Party Is ‘Completely Voluntary’, Says Sergeant Major

by Tony

US ARMY GARRISON WEISBADEN, GERMANY – Sources confirmed today that the upcoming mandatory Christmas party for the 66th Intelligence Brigade is “completely voluntary”, according to statements made by the Command Sergeant Major. “Hey listen gentlemen, it’s totally up to you to attend,” said CSM Marc A. Scott during the course of an hour-long briefing. “We [...]

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Paula Broadwell Linked to Affairs With Half Of The Clandestine Services

by Tony

LANGLEY, VA – Officials with the Central Intelligence Agency are facing continued fallout from revelations that Paula Broadwell has been linked to affairs with CIA Director David “Peaches” Petraeus, ISAF General John Allen, at least one Marine Private First Class, hundreds of field agents, and a half-dozen security guards, among others. The whole scandal has [...]

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Disney Buys Rights To Afghanistan From Department Of Defense

by Tony

ARLINGTON, VA - In a surprise move that has caught many service-members off guard, the Pentagon announced plans to sell the rights to Afghanistan to the Walt Disney Corporation for $4.05 Billion. “We have attempted to make Afghanistan the happiest place on earth and simply haven’t gotten the job done,” said Secretary of Defense Leon Panetta [...]

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