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Author: Cat Astronaut

A demobilized Mobile Infantryman currently serving as Chief Cryptozoologist for the State of Rhode Island, he specializes in growing mustaches, deadlifting in silkies, and picking fights with '90s-era wrestlers.
FORT BRAGG, N.C. — Referring to his opponent’s ability to outwit him completely on the battlefield, 2nd Lt. Chad Byers confessed that the inanimate green targets used to symbolize the enemy during a recent training event were “totally inside [his] OODA loop.” According to sources, the reusable paper, or occasionally plastic, objects were able to […]
SAN DIEGO — Naval officer and self-described “warrior-scholar” Lt. Mark Chadwick was saved from drowning by his massively inflated ego during a training exercise earlier this week, sources confirmed. Bystanders claim that after Chadwick fell overboard he immediately condescended not only to the rescue team but also to the water itself, and that he certainly […]
The highly anticipated new Meals-Ready-to-Eat flavor will be a literal bag of human shit, the Defense Logistics Agency confirmed today. While in the past the Department of Defense has poured millions of dollars into developing recipes like “Chili and Macaroni” and “Maple Sausage,” this time Army officials decided to give “those ungrateful troops a meal […]
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