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Author: Cat Astronaut

A demobilized Mobile Infantryman currently serving as Chief Cryptozoologist for the State of Rhode Island, he specializes in growing mustaches, deadlifting in silkies, and picking fights with '90s-era wrestlers.
ARLINGTON, Va. — In an attempt to encourage critical thinking among its ranks, the U.S. Army announced it has standardized all procedures for thinking outside the box, sources confirmed today. The new Army Doctrinal Publication 9-0: Thinking Outside the Box codifies time-tested methods for thinking unconventionally in “the proper Army fashion,” officials said. “The goal was […]
WASHINGTON — Following years of controversy surrounding the Navy’s Littoral Combat Ship program, experts have deemed that the ship is, literally, a Figurative Combat Ship. “It’s the best ‘combat ship’ fielded by any country in history,” said Secretary of the Navy Richard Spencer, indicating air quotes around the words ‘combat ship.’ “Metaphorically speaking, of course.” […]
NEW YORK — The military’s fleet of ceremonial F-35 floats has been temporarily grounded after one of the vehicles exploded during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade, destroying nearly an entire city block along 6th Avenue. According to witnesses, after a collision with the Thomas the Tank Engine blimp, the float burst into flames and crashed […]
BAGRAM AIRFIELD — The commander of US Forces Afghanistan has been unable to beat a fellow gamer named ‘xxTAliBan_br0_69’ in the video game series Call of Duty despite playing against him for years, sources confirmed today. Gen. John Nicholson has been facing off against xxTAliBan_br0_69 online since at least the release of Call of Duty: Black Ops […]
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