Dirk Diggler

Dirk Diggler has written 8 article(s).

Opinion: To Really Understand Sexual Assault, You’ve Gotta Slap A Woman’s Ass At Least Once

The following is an opinion piece written by Lt. Col. Jeffrey Krusinski, the Chief of the Air Force office of Sexual Assault & Prevention. Look, guys, I know this looks bad. But there’s a perfectly logical explanation for all this. You see, I’m just as committed to eliminating sexual assault as you are. That’s why I [...]

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US Army To Cut Ribbons, Medals By 50 Percent In Cost-Cutting Measure

by Dirk Diggler

THE PENTAGON — With the Defense Department reeling from the far-reaching effects of sequester budget cuts, Army brass has proposed cutting the number of medals and ribbons awarded to soldiers — with officials claiming the move will save billions in taxpayer dollars. Lt. Gen. Howard B. Bromberg, the Army G-1, explained, “the amount of money spent on [...]

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Heroic Predator Drone Is First Recipient of Distinguished Warfare Medal

by Dirk Diggler

BAGRAM AIR BASE, AFGHANISTAN — The Defense Department has announced that THX-1138, an MQ-1 Predator Drone, will be the first recipient of the Pentagon’s newly-minted Distinguished Warfare Medal. On 17 December, THX-1138 stayed on station for 8 hours, defending a US Special Forces A-Team from numerous attacks with its Hellfire missiles. During the action, THX-1138 [...]

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Enemy Hackers Deem AKO, MyPay ‘Not Even Worth It’

by Dirk Diggler

BEIJING, CHINA – The Chinese military today abandoned its planned Operation DRAGON BYTE, a massive Distributed Denial Of Service (DDOS) attack on the US Army’s main computer network, Army Knowledge Online (AKO). “When we tried to hack in, we were surprised to discover that AKO was already offline,” said Wei Wei Bak, a PLA programmer [...]

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Bragg Officers’ Spouses Club To Allow Same-Sex Spouses To Also Wear Military Rank

by Dirk Diggler

FAYETTEVILLE, NC — The Association of Bragg Officers’ Spouses (ABOS) did an about-face Thursday, inviting Amy Broadway, a lesbian spouse, to become a full member. Broadway, who is married to Lt. Col. Heather Marshall of Fort Bragg’s First Theater Sustainable Command, applied for membership last month, but was denied because, as a same-sex spouse, she was not eligible [...]

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US Army Awarded Medal Of Honor After Jumping On Fiscal Grenade

by Dirk Diggler

THE PENTAGON — President Obama announced today that he would be awarding the Medal of Honor to the U.S. Army for its “great sacrifice and courage in the face of a fiscal disaster,” according to an official statement. This week, the U.S. Army joined many past recipients of the nation’s highest award for bravery by [...]

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DoD Announces Casualty In War on Christmas

by Dirk Diggler

THE PENTAGON – Pentagon spokesperson George Little confirmed the death of a Specialist with the 3rd Brigade Combat Team last night in a suspected “Red on Green” attack. According to a Pentagon press release, he was apparently killed by a man dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot. His attire was also [...]

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US Army Introduces ‘Revolutionary’ New Woodland Camouflage Uniform To Replace ACU

by Dirk Diggler

FORT BELVOIR, VA – In a surprise move, the US Army’s Program Executive Office-Soldier has announced that it has selected a “revolutionary” new woodland camouflage pattern to replace the Army’s Universal Camouflage Pattern (UCP). The UCP, introduced in 2004, was widely regarded as a colossal blunder, costing the taxpayer nearly $5 billion. Modeled after the [...]

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