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US, China Agree To Hate Each Other As Friends

by Dark Laughter

obama china

RANCHO MIRAGE, CA — Following joint U.S.-China talks Friday, Barack Obama and Xi Jinping released a new joint declaration of principles that stated the two countries had agreed that they were in total disagreement on basically all issues of governance, had essentially no common interests in spite of being economically intertwined, and would continue to [...]

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Afghan ‘Game of Thrones’ Fans Stage Real-Life Wedding Massacre

by G-Had

JALALABAD, AFGHANISTAN — A group of Game of Thrones fans in Afghanistan have taken their love of the show to an impressive new level, staging a recreation of last week’s ‘Red Wedding’ massacre by gunning down a real-life wedding party in Kunar Province. “We made it about as authentic as we could,” said gunman Tariq [...]

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Troops Agree Staying In Afghanistan For Next Ten Years Or So Would Be Awesome

by drew

British soldiers celebrate their arrival in Afghanistan.

BAGRAM, AFGHANISTAN —  Thousands of troops stationed at Afghanistan’s major air field told reporters from Stars and Stripes that staying in Afghanistan for ten to twenty more years “would basically be awesome,” sources confirmed Monday. “That’s not surprising at all,” said Gary Tucker, a reporter for Stars and Stripes. Speaking to Duffel Blog reporters, Tucker [...]

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US Defense Network Disabled By Porn-Displaying ‘Suxnet’ Virus

by G-Had

Suxnet was also the subject of a Time cover story.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — U.S. military officials confirmed Monday that the entire U.S. defense network was briefly disabled last week by an Iranian computer virus that infects military computers and then runs nonstop pornography on them. Rumors of the Iranian virus, dubbed ‘Suxnet’ by members of the U.S. military, have been circulating since as early as [...]

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Combat Deaths Now Considered ‘Acts of Allah’ — No Longer Covered By Life Insurance

by drew

soldier in afghanistan

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Department of Veterans Affairs is considering a highly-controversial policy for U.S. service members killed in Afghanistan by having their deaths classified “Acts of God” — or Allah in this case — a clause not covered by the Servicemembers Group Life Insurance (SGLI), officials said. This is the most significant policy change since [...]

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Veterans Suicide Memorial Unveiled In Nation’s Capitol

by ArmyJ

washington d.c.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — A controversial new memorial was unveiled in the nation’s capitol Monday, after Congress reallocated $2 billion in funding from veterans benefits and post-traumatic stress counseling to approve “The Armed Forces Suicide Memorial” nearly two years ago. The monument — a 25 foot high granite table topped with a fifth of Jack Daniels [...]

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Red Sox Military Tribute Forces Fans To Stand At Parade Rest, Pick Up Cigarette Butts

by drew

Boston Red Sox military tribute

BOSTON, MA — Thousands of angry baseball fans expressed disappointment after the Boston Red Sox held a realistic tribute to military service Friday, witnesses report. According to team officials, the Red Sox were hoping to support the troops and show fans what military service really meant. Starting with the scheduling of the game, which was [...]

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Rage Against The Machine’s USO Concert Convinces Entire Audience To Defect

by drew

Rage against the machine

KANDAHAR, AFGHANISTAN — A Rage Against the Machine USO reunion tour took an unexpected turn Sunday after the entire audience defected and swore allegiance to the Taliban, sources reported. Opening with their hit “Wake Up” to cheers from the audience, the song later reached the final verse, with the lyrics: “Through counter-intelligence it should be [...]

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