The Pentagon

Defense Department Mandates Anti-Dueling Classes

by Dark Laughter

marine drawing sword corporals course

CAMP LEJEUNE, NC – “We’re entering the summer months, and you know what that means: nice weather, beach parties, cooking out. And a more than 40% increase in duels,” says Gunnery Sergeant Colin Bond as he clicks to a slide that indicates a sharp rise in the incidence of duels during warmer parts of the [...]

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New Urinalysis Tests Whether Military Members ‘Actually Give A Shit’

by EL COMANDANTE

drug testing military

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Forget about getting busted for cocaine, weed, or ecstasy — the Department of Defense can now tell if you don’t give a fuck. DoD announced plans Wednesday to roll out a new urinalysis program that will be able to test for apathy. By examining a mere 30 ml of urine, drug testing [...]

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Defense Secretary Put On Restriction For Taking Duty Van On Late Night Beer Run

by drew

duty van

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel was awarded fifteen days restriction for taking the Pentagon’s duty van on an unauthorized late night beer run, according to officials. “We were in the barracks knocking a few back,” General Martin Dempsey, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, told The Duffel Blog. “We ran out of [...]

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Military Bans Tobacco Products To Improve Combat Effectiveness In Afghanistan

by Merrick

soldier smoking

BAGRAM, AFGHANISTAN — The Pentagon is unveiling a new policy banning tobacco products for most troops in Afghanistan that planners believe will improve combat effectiveness. “We are always trying to find new ways to increase the lethality of our combat forces,” Pentagon spokesman Col. Jack Taylor said. “In an unconventional war, sometimes you need unconventional [...]

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Drunken Secretary Hagel Asks Deputy To Cover For Him At Pentagon Formation

by Paul

hagelsick

THE PENTAGON — A visibly tired and still intoxicated Chuck Hagel pleaded with his Deputy Secretary of Defense this morning to cover for him at The Pentagon’s morning formation, according to multiple eyewitnesses. “Oh fuck me, what am I doing with my life?,” asked Hagel, still rubbing his bloodshot eyes and attempting to recall what [...]

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Pentagon, Hollywood Team Up To Produce Better Military Films

by Jerry

Improved 300

HOLLYWOOD, CA — A surprising new partnership between Hollywood and the Department of Defense was announced today, which sources say will result in better military movies, more combat realism, and more reflective belts, among other perks. Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel took the stage alongside CEO of Warner Bros. Studios, Barry Meyer, who made the major announcement. [...]

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Department Of Defense To Award Purple Heart For Butthurt

by Epic Blunder

Purple Heart

WASHINGTON, DC – In the wake of the newly unveiled Distinguished Warfare Medal, the Department of Defense intends to relax standards on the nation’s oldest military decoration – the Purple Heart. Under the expanded interpretation, the award will now be available to any disgruntled service member suffering from disillusionment and shattered expectations. “Acute Rectal Inflammation, [...]

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DoD To Charge Admission Fee For Base Access To Fix Budget Shortfalls

by fodcheck

Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel announced a budgetary plan to cut Department of Defense spending and raise revenues Wednesday, which would include charging admission to access military installations. “These proposals will cut wasteful programs,” said Hagel at the daily Pentagon briefing, “and raise valuable revenue to keep the U.S. military the best [...]

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