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Veterans Affairs turns away veterans of war on Christmas

MARTINSBURG, W.Va. – In yet another case of embarrassing incompetence, a VA center has turned away a group of War on Christmas Veterans seeking basic medical care, local sources report. “They’ve served their country, making great sacrifices…

Airman finally gets pussy for Christmas

VANDENBERG AIR FORCE BASE, Calif. – Airman Alex Johnson finally got the pussy he had always wanted for Christmas this year. “It was so awesome,” Johnson exclaimed with a dopey expression on his face. “There were so many pussies to choose…

Captain Crunch nominated as Secretary of Scrumptiousness

WASHINGTON — President-elect Donald Trump said Saturday he had chosen retired Navy Cap'n Horatio Magellan Crunch to be secretary of scrumptiousness. “We are going to appoint the Cap'n,” Trump told a small group of reporters outside of his…

Gods finally call John Glenn back to Olympus

COLUMBUS, Ohio — A massive crowd gathered outside of the home of American demi-God John Glenn to celebrate his ascension back to Olympus early this morning. Flowers, love letters, and various animal sacrifices littered the ground for acres…

Trump vows to deport all illegal aliens from Area 51

NEW YORK — President-elect Donald Trump has vowed to “immediately deport” all “illegal aliens” from Area 51 at Groom Lake, Nevada, after learning of the top secret collection of extraterrestrials during a classified briefing, which he…