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Tag: Chuck Hagel

DENVER, Colo. — In holding with the rest of your dogshit life, the tractor and trailer carrying your household goods unceremoniously and unsurprisingly careened off a cliff and exploded in a spectacular fireball yesterday outside Denver, sources confirmed. Now, like your recently terminated marriage, your keepsakes are a mangled, shapeless heap of twisted metal and […]
WASHINGTON, D.C. – The Pentagon unveiled the latest addition to the National Mall in a quiet ceremony Tuesday commemorating the active duty service members killed through the unforgiving process of natural selection. The Veterans Darwinism Memorial features a 12-foot bronze statue of a young man crimping a blasting cap with his teeth atop a 15-foot tall […]
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Obama last week ordered troops to Chad, after a photo of a former service member with the hashtags #recallmetoduty #tobringthegirlsback went viral, but polls indicate that most Americans don’t know who the fuck Chad is, or why he even needs special forces. As Chad is poorly known in Washington, Defense Intelligence Agency analysts searched on Facebook to gather a […]
WASHINGTON — After returning from his latest deployment to visit troops overseas, Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel is spending all the money he earned in Afghanistan as fast as possible, Duffel Blog has learned. Hagel has gone to Hooters every night since he has returned, where he thinks the waitresses are impressed by his war stories. […]
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