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Tag: Russia

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MOSCOW — On a recent visit to the Russian President’s personal gym, Defense Secretary Jim Mattis declared that the United States was “clearly winning this arms race,” sources confirmed today. Mattis, who possesses imposing 20-inch arms, says the Russians are lagging far behind the U.S. in terms of both precision munitions and triceps definition. In the […]
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WASHINGTON — White House Spokesman Josh Earnest quietly announced this morning that President Obama would cancel Wednesday’s traditional “Turkey Pardon,” a presidential staple since the Kennedy administration, citing protests and complaints by Russian President Vladimir Putin. The complaints follow Monday’s downing of a Russian fighter by Turkish forces. “The Sov—er, Russians were a little concerned at how pardoning a […]
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PARIS, France — The world diplomatic community was stunned today when U.S. President Barack Obama accepted Russian President Vladimir Putin’s challenge to a drinking contest. The stakes: control of Ukraine, which Russian troops invaded several months ago. The Paris talks between the U.S. and Russia have been ongoing since the invasion but have often been strained to […]
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MOSCOW — Russian President Vladimir Putin has threatened to cut off two of the largest exports to the United States in protest of what he calls “America’s intervention in a strictly Russian affair,” the completely editorially-independent and fearless bastion of journalism Russia Today reported. Following Russia’s annexation of Crimea, Putin called for legislators to introduce […]
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