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The Duffel Brief · the free edition, Monday, Wednesday and Friday

Vol. 15 · No. 118 · Friday, 2 October 2026

Navy & Marines

Paste-eating Marine praised for unmatched commitment to unit

Unit leaders say his ability to stick with the mission is unmatched

Backed-up toilet appointed new Secretary of the Army

Space Force’s new uniform puts a little goose back in the step

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Vol. 15 · No. 118

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Vol. 15 · No. 118 · Deployed worldwide

Friday

2 October 2026

1602 Zulu

Next edition Monday

Navy & Marines

Paste-eating Marine praised for unmatched commitment to unit

Unit leaders say his ability to stick with the mission is unmatched

Lance Cpl. Jeffrey Thompson consumes an adhesive product in his barracks at Camp Lejeune, North Carolina. His chain of command described the behavior as “concerning but operationally useful.”

CAMP LEJEUNE, N.C. — Marine Lance Cpl. Jeffrey Thompson has been praised by leaders across his battalion for his extraordinary commitment to the infantry, despite an ongoing habit of consuming industrial adhesives.

“Whatever else you want to say about Thompson, that son of a bitch sticks with it,” said 1st Sgt. Rick Bass.

Thompson’s unusual behavior reportedly began in childhood and continued through recruit training, where drill instructors initially assumed he was simply another Marine eating things clearly labeled “not for human consumption.”

“He was actually ahead of the curve,” Bass said.

Since arriving at Camp Lejeune, Thompson has developed a reputation for reliability.

He has never lost a sensitive item, largely because most of his assigned equipment is permanently attached to his body.

During one field exercise, Thompson carried an M240, two assault packs, a radio battery, six MREs and an entire section’s worth of camouflage netting after fellow Marines discovered they could simply stick equipment to his back while he slept.

“He never complained,” said Pfc. Craig Barker. “Mostly because his mouth was glued shut.”

Commanders have also praised Thompson’s

(Continued on Page 5, Col. 1) →

Army

Backed-up toilet appointed new Secretary of the Army

Pentagon says clogged fixture brings “continuity, stability and ability to swallow enormous amounts of shit”

THE PENTAGON — Following the resignation of Army Secretary Dan Driscoll, Pentagon officials announced that a backed-up toilet from the third floor of the Pentagon had been selected to lead the service.

Chief Pentagon Spokesman Sean Parnell introduced the nominee in a prerecorded video.

“As always, we were looking for a leader who reflects the values of today’s Department of War,” Parnell said. “Someone dependable, resilient and capable of swallowing whatever gets dumped on them.”

He gestured toward the stained Kohler 1.28 gallon-per-flush toilet from bathroom 3E880.

“Meet your next Secretary of the Army.”

Pentagon officials said the toilet emerged as an early favorite because of its extensive experience dealing with shit from senior leadership.

“It takes whatever Pete gives it, holds it quietly, and then

(Continued on Page 4, Col. 3) →

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On this day

2024Zyn, Rip It sponsor first enlisted VP debate2023Government shutdown shuts down government task force to end government shutdowns2021Daniel Craig gains 40 pounds, God complex after becoming honorary naval officerAll 4,436 in the back file →

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Retirement speech generatorTwenty minutes nobody will finish reading. DD-214 fortune tellerYour separation code, interpreted badly. Buzzword polisherTurns "did nothing" into "synchronized effects."

Corrections

A report on the Navy's new uniform board gave the number of members as seven. There are six members and a chair that belonged to the seventh.

An article described the training schedule as finalized. It has been finalized twice since and remains in draft.

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