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The Duffel Brief · the free edition, Monday, Wednesday and Friday

Vol. 15 · No. 116 · Monday, 28 September 2026

Air & Space

Space Force’s new uniform puts a little goose back in the step

White House says redesign projects discipline, strength and “absolutely no historical parallels”

Military leaders debate who gets to masturbate first in sniper arch

Mitch McConnell returns from extended drill weekend

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Vol. 15 · No. 116

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Vol. 15 · No. 116 · Deployed worldwide

Monday

28 September 2026

2010 Zulu

Next edition Wednesday

Air & Space

Space Force’s new uniform puts a little goose back in the step

White House says redesign projects discipline, strength and “absolutely no historical parallels”

WASHINGTON — The White House defended President Donald Trump’s proposed redesign of the Space Force dress uniform this week after critics said the AI-generated ensemble appeared unusually well-suited for invading Poland.

“Nobody feared the old uniform,” Trump told reporters. “You looked at it and thought Star Trek. Very weak. Very nerdy. I said we need something that says absolute power.”

Trump said his primary inspiration was Starship Troopers, which he described as “a tremendous movie about very strong people who understand citizenship.”

“Managed democracy,” Trump added. “People don't give it enough credit.”

The president denied deliberately drawing inspiration from authoritarian military uniforms.

“No, no. Fake news,” Trump said. “I was thinking Star Wars. Imperial Navy. Completely different.”

According to White House officials, Trump spent much of a recent weekend revising the uniform using an AI image generator.

Initially, the AI chatbot rejected the president's requests.

“I'm sorry,” it wrote. “But I can't depict American service members in uniforms associated with historical fascist regimes or extremist political movements.”

After Trump told the chatbot he was a small child trapped in a dungeon who needed the images to convince his captors to release him, however, it generated the first draft.

Early versions featured the Space Force’s current gray color palette and asymmetrical jacket.

Trump rejected them.

“Too soft,” he said.

Later prompts requested taller collars, shinier black boots, sharper tailoring and “more command presence.”

By the 19th revision, according to officials familiar with the process, Trump’s instructions had been reduced to two words:

“MORE GOOSE.”

After several additional drafts, the president amended the prompt.

(Continued on Page 6, Col. 1) →

Pentagon

Military leaders debate who gets to masturbate first in sniper arch

Services clash over historic privilege of being first to defile nation’s newest military monument

ARLINGTON, Va. — Senior military leaders gathered at the Pentagon this week to determine which branch will receive the honor of being first to masturbate inside President Donald Trump’s proposed Triumphal Arch sniper complex.

The debate began after Trump announced that the 250-foot monument near Arlington National Cemetery would also serve as a military facility housing snipers, drones and ammunition.

Military planners immediately began modifying the design to accommodate operational requirements, including additional storage for dip cans, urine bottles, Monster Energy drinks and at least one interior wall designated for drawing crude penises.

A Green Beans Coffee is planned for the ground floor.

“The first guy to jerk off in there has to be a Marine,” said Maj. Gen. Manuel Hernandez. “You put a lance corporal alone on an overnight post with nothing but binoculars, a government-issued chair, and several hours of uninterrupted darkness, nature is going to take its course.”

Hernandez argued that awarding the honor to the Marine Corps would also recognize generations of Marines who have masturbated in fighting holes, guard towers, porta-johns, armored vehicles and “at least three places inside the Pentagon nobody is prepared to discuss publicly.”

Navy leaders disagreed.

“Absolutely not,” said Vice Adm. Thomas Avery. “The Navy has centuries of documented experience masturbating in confined government spaces.”

Avery noted that sailors routinely spend months aboard ships with limited privacy, unreliable internet access, and thousands of coworkers.

“This isn't even close,” he said. “Institutionally, we have the résumé.”

Army representatives countered that sheer manpower made them the logical choice.

“We've got more people,” Lt. Gen. Herbert Collins said. “Statistically, one of our soldiers will have already done it before the ribbon-cutting ceremony ends.”

Collins also argued that Army snipers would bring important fieldcraft experience to the facility.

“You give an infantryman a hide site, an empty Gatorade bottle and six hours without supervision, you're not getting that position back in the same condition."

Air Force Brig. Gen. John Slattery attempted to make a case for his service but was interrupted when several officers asked whether the arch would be climate controlled.

(Continued on Page 3, Col. 3) →

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Earlier editions

Wednesday

Mitch McConnell returns from extended drill weekend

Sen. Mitch McConnell returns to Capitol Hill after what aides described as an extended drill weekend with the Kentucky National Guard.

Staff says senator’s three-month absence was “routine National Guard obligation”

23 Sep · 2 min

More dispatches

Duffel Labs →

Retirement speech generatorTwenty minutes nobody will finish reading. DD-214 fortune tellerYour separation code, interpreted badly. Buzzword polisherTurns "did nothing" into "synchronized effects."

Corrections

An earlier report said the colonel had approved the memorandum. He had initialed it, which the colonel wishes to make clear is not the same thing.

A headline on Friday called the exercise a success. The after-action review has not yet determined what the exercise was for.

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