Military child care reopening, if your kid can pass this extreme PT test
SAN DIEGO — As a few military child care centers are starting to reopen during the pandemic, a strenuous and challenging PT test for your...
Duffel Blog — The American Military's Most Trusted News Source
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Major awakens Balrog by delving too deeply into shared drive
FORT CARSON, Colo. — Major Carl Vandemeer inadvertently awakened a Balrog this past Thursday, sources said, while delving into the 4th Infantry Division shared drive...
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Toxic Leadership seminar hosted by Ninja Turtles
NEW YORK CITY SEWERS — The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles hosted a seminar on thriving in toxic environments for members of the armed forces this...
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VA commits suicide in veteran’s driveway after reading post-care survey
WASHINGTON — After a long battle with customer satisfaction issues, the Department of Veterans Affairs—known to friends and coworkers as “VA”— took its own life...
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Congress deadlocked over bill to force armory to accept our goddamn rifles
WASHINGTON — Following a bitter all-night debate, Congress has officially deadlocked over two competing bills which would force the armory to finally accept our goddamn...
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Donald Trump Jr’s Afghanistan bounty hunting trip draws criticism
WASHINGTON – President Donald Trump’s eldest son, Donald Trump Jr., is facing criticism following a recent bounty hunting trip to Afghanistan. Although Trump Jr.’s reputation...
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Furry from the sky: Meet the military’s elite airborne cat force
FORT BRAGG, N.C, — Move aside, Green Berets! Recently leaked classified documents reveal the military’s latest pet project: a top-secret new airborne force, composed entirely...
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DoD fields ‘Brown Star Cluster’ flare for when mission goes to shit
WASHINGTON — After two years of development and testing, the Department of Defense recently released its newest technological advancement in ground pyrotechnics—the brown star cluster—intended...
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Reflections of a retired Army Combat Uniform that never saw combat
Is this all there is? Oh my … I think this is all there is. I was born to be a warrior. My maker designed...
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57th identical evening parade in a row really something tonight
WASHINGTON — U.S. Marines stationed at Marine Barracks Washington ended this week’s Friday night Evening Parade in celebratory agreement, observing that “This one was really...
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MPs replace tear gas with digested-MRE-scent fart spray
THE PENTAGON — The Military Police Corps wants the country to know it is ready for action if the Insurrection Act is invoked. But deeming...
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Naked admiral still talking to you in gym locker room
LITTLE CREEK, Va. — With base gyms now open, sources report that the newly reported Admiral in charge of your command has taken the liberty...
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Military ends racism, sexism after eliminating climate surveys
THE PENTAGON — After years of unsuccessful efforts to address entrenched racism and sexism in the ranks, the Pentagon stumbled upon a surprisingly effective solution...
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‘Terrifying and violent:’ Drill sergeant’s eyebrows exemplify lethality
FORT BRAGG, N.C. – Sgt. First Class Allison Roto’s eyebrows set the example for lethality, sources say. In response to increasing threats from states like...
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Space boot won’t stop wearing exoskeleton out in town
WILD HORSE, Colo. – Eyes rolling with the centripetal force of a parabolic orbit, sources derided a newly minted space cadet’s efforts to impress the...
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Navy names missile after Crozier just to fire him a third time
WASHINGTON — The US Navy has officially named a smart bomb after Capt. Brett Crozier, the officer who spoke up in order to protect his...
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Army shuts down specialists’ Barracks Autonomous Zone
FORT HOOD, Texas — Acting on a tip, agents from the Army’s Criminal Investigation Command arrested a group of specialists who occupied a barracks and...
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John Bolton’s book revealed to be just 400 pages about bombing Iran
WASHINGTON — John Bolton’s tell-all book has been revealed as 400 pages of a madman rambling about the need to bomb Iran, sources report. “Initially...
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Middle East intelligence agencies closely monitoring American Spring
CAIRO, Egypt — Intelligence personnel across the Middle East are closely monitoring events in the United States, as civil unrest continues spreading in the aftermath...
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Airborne urges Pentagon to defund MP Corps
FORT BRAGG, NC – In the wake of nationwide protests, many Airborne Infantry soldiers are now calling on the Pentagon to defund the Military Police...
