Backed-up toilet appointed new Secretary of the Army
Pentagon says clogged fixture brings “continuity, stability and ability to swallow enormous amounts of shit”
THE PENTAGON — Following the resignation of Army Secretary Dan Driscoll, Pentagon officials announced that a backed-up toilet from the third floor of the Pentagon had been selected to lead the service.
Chief Pentagon Spokesman Sean Parnell introduced the nominee in a prerecorded video.
“As always, we were looking for a leader who reflects the values of today’s Department of War,” Parnell said. “Someone dependable, resilient and capable of swallowing whatever gets dumped on them.”
He gestured toward the stained Kohler 1.28 gallon-per-flush toilet from bathroom 3E880.
“Meet your next Secretary of the Army.”
Pentagon officials said the toilet emerged as an early favorite because of its extensive experience dealing with shit from senior leadership.
“It takes whatever Pete gives it, holds it quietly, and then eventually overflows onto everybody nearby,” Parnell said. “That’s basically the job description.”
The appointment comes during a period of unusual leadership turnover across the Army.
Driscoll resigned after months of tension with Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth. Earlier this year, Hegseth forced Army Chief of Staff Gen. Randy George to retire, while Gen. Chris Donahue
