“It’s funny and says what a lot of us can’t really say out loud but are totally thinking.”
— ISAAC
“The real news sounds like satire, and I appreciate that y’all are out there skewering it in sharp, funny ways.”
— EMMA
"[They] do God’s work and I’ve been enjoying it for at least a decade.”
— RUSS
"I almost got my MBA. Totally wanted to. But my dad wanted me to kill the enemies of America.”
Agency warns talent pool ‘dangerously close to functional literacy’
Service says prank began as jab at George Washington and ‘just got out of hand’
Also, some rights matter more than others, and I trust law enforcement to decide which
Company says shift reflects ‘evolving understanding of constitutional rights’
Junior sailors unsure whether to laugh, report to NCIS, or contact The Hague
White House says incident reflects ‘evolving interpretation of peace’
One minor mistake triggers cascading operational collapse
Course promises senior leaders ‘complete narrative dominance’ and zero accountability
Defense secretary reportedly cites ‘global lack of standards’ as destabilizing force
White House sources say ‘bombing foreigners’ remains preferred transparency substitute
Marvel says former Venezuelan leader brings ‘authentic menace’ to next film.
President says wall ‘needed a winner’ and ‘a little more gold’
Administration says it has ‘learned valuable lessons’ and ‘stopped pretending’
President says deal would be ‘tremendous,’ ‘very fair,’ and ‘honestly a win for everyone’
“We’re working hard to make the SIPR sites you need the most confusing piles of shit imaginable," an official said.
Notorious home invader finally neutralized in Christmas Eve strike, officials say.
Pentagon staff unsure whether to update safety briefs or call a meteorologist.
Pentagon confirms use of 47,000 troops, 92 aircraft, and 13 general officers to oversee the operation.
Critics question strategic value of switchblade diplomacy.
