Afghan teen wondering whether to apply for college, or just enlist in Taliban
"Can I Graduate, Can I look into the faces that I meet, Can I get my punk-ass off the street, I've been living on for...
Duffel Blog — The American Military's Most Trusted News Source
-
-
Military to officially replace adequate sleep with energy drinks and Adderall
WASHINGTON — A RAND Corporation study has concluded that less sleep for military service members will equal more productivity. Despite the claims of scientist, doctors, and...
-
DARPA AI can embroil US in unwinnable wars 100s of times faster than generals
THE PENTAGON — Researchers from the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency (DARPA), the secretive scientific organization tasked with developing cutting-edge technologies for national security agencies,...
-
Fort Bragg to get all energy from burn pits by 2025
FORT BRAGG, N.C. — Fort Bragg, the Army’s crown jewel and national STD hotspot, is about to get shittier. The installation took a step closer...
-
sPoOky! This soldier is going as Fort Hood for Halloween
WASHINGTON – Everyone looks for the creepiest, spookiest, and most terrifying costumes for Halloween, but this soldier is taking it too far—by dressing up as...
-
Celebrities devastated by lack of invitations to Marine Corps balls
QUANTICO, Va. — Celebrities everywhere are devastated by cancellations of this year’s Marine Corps balls due to Covid-19, sources report. “Every year I hope some...
-
BREAKING: You didn’t print enough copies of your orders
YOUR NEW DUTY STATION—Sources are reporting that you didn’t make enough copies of your orders, and are about to be royally fucked and unable to...
-
Pentagon admits defense budgeting modeled on Hungry Hungry Hippos
WASHINGTON — Frantic grabbing, yelling, and hoarding are not behaviors limited to the playground. A senior Department of Defense official revealed that such methods also...
-
Biden: Let the troops decide where to invade next
CINCINNATI, Ohio – During a campaign swing through Ohio this week, former vice president Joe Biden promised that if he is elected president, he will...
-
Air Force smart bomb too clever for dumb Navy bomb
NEVADA TEST AND TRAINING RANGE, Nev. — After winning a competition at the military’s annual Red Flag exercise, an Air Force Small Diameter Bomb II...
-
Space Force quarantines lieutenants in wormhole to protect them from COVID-19
The Crab Nebula: SECTOR 15 “The days are getting longer. We have been in quarantine here for seven days. The rations are running low. We...
-
Michigan Militia fights to take back domestic terrorism industry from foreigners
YPSILANTI, Mich. — In a world becoming more interconnected every day, militia groups across the US are fighting to reclaim an industry they view as...
-
Vet brand coffee beans pass through intestines of four vet bros before they hit your cup
SEATTLE, Wash. — A startup consisting of retired members of the E4 Mafia has developed a new way to experience coffee: by exposing it to...
-
ClauseFic? Army to publish ‘Fifty Shades of War’ fanfic erotica
FORT LEAVENWORTH, Kan. – The Army University Press announced plans to publish a fan fiction snuff erotica novel titled, Fifty Shades of War about the...
-
Morale skyrockets after mandatory fun event canceled
NORFOLK, VA. — Morale onboard the USS Anzio (CG-68) skyrocketed today after the command’s mandatory fun concert was canceled, sources report. “We were all going...
-
Trump and Biden give your weekend safety brief
Chris Wallace: “Greetings ladies and gentlemen and welcome to the weekend safety brief. I’ll be your moderator, Chris Wallace. This afternoon’s safety will cover a...
-
COVID-19 executes flu d’état, seizes control of US capital
WASHINGTON — Pandemonium struck the United States today as the capital was overwhelmed in a surprise flu d’état led by the so-called Coup Flu, COVID-19....
-
Marine Corps excited not to be first to infect everyone this time
PENTAGON — As the Joint Chiefs of Staff (JCS) settle in for a two-week quarantine following Coast Guard Vice Commandant Charles W. Ray’s positive coronavirus...
-
Afghan task force will deploy to monitor U.S. election
KABUL, AFGHANISTAN — Officials in Afghanistan’s Independent Election Committee announced they are working closely with the United Nations to deploy teams of police and soldiers...
-
Air Force veteran’s PTSD triggered by familiar office ringtone
DAYTON, Ohio — Air Force veteran Blake Miller is reported to be in “stable condition” after his PTSD was triggered by a ringtone that reminded...
