Sources: 2020 ‘just a series of NTC injects’
FORT IRWIN — We knew shit was weird this year, but the truth is finally coming out! Those rascals down at the Fort Irwin National...
Duffel Blog — The American Military's Most Trusted News Source
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Coast Guard accused of boater suppression
CAPE CORAL, Fla. — Weeks after the Trump Boat Parade over Labor Day Weekend, the Fort Myers Beach Coast Guard Station is now at the...
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New Army fitness test measures how much pain you can endure over 20 years
THE PENTAGON — Army leaders announced the introduction of a new physical fitness test that measures resilience and muscular endurance by testing how much pain a...
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‘Near-peer threat’ just 3 Afghanistans in a trench coat
THE PENTAGON — A leaked intelligence report has revealed that the much vaunted “near-peer threat” the Defense Department has been preparing to do battle with...
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Biblical scholars: King David was the original ‘Jody’
BOSTON, Mass. — Biblical scholars at the Boston University School of Theology made a momentous announcement earlier today: King David of Bethlehem, the ancestor of...
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Homemade SCIF just a closet covered in aluminum foil
TED”S ROOT CELLAR — The System of Humans In The Anti-Illuminati Militia concluded an inspection of a remote SCIF in Florida designed to keep out...
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Black soldier feels safer on post because MPs aren’t real cops
JOINT BASE LEWIS-MCCHORD, Washington – Specialist Michael Webb elected to remain on post this past weekend rather than attend a protest in nearby Seattle citing...
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Grand Theft Auto Fort Hood ‘a little too realistic’
KILLEEN, Texas — After a week of beta testing, the Army’s E-Sports gaming team has reported that the Fort Hood version of the newest installment...
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Hodor of House Stark gives your weekend safety brief
WINTERFELL, Westeros — “Gather round warriors of Winterfell and prepare for the brief of safety to be given by our beloved Hodor” said Arya Stark,...
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Force Recon Marine writes tell-all coloring book
CAMP LEJEUNE, N.C. — A Force Recon Marine has recently published his first tell-all coloring book, according to sources at both Chuck E. Cheese and...
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Homeless Veteran Sleeps Under DD-214 Blanket
CHARLESTON, W.V. — Less than a year after separating from the Army as a first lieutenant, Daniel Cummings has found himself sleeping on the streets...
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Army-Navy Game to be renamed ‘Suckers vs. Losers Bowl’
WASHINGTON — The Defense Secretary on Tuesday ordered the Army-Navy Game renamed to Suckers vs. Losers Bowl in order to better reflect White House policy...
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Americans outraged that Trump is publicly voicing their private contempt for military service
WASHINGTON — Americans everywhere are condemning President Donald Trump for allegedly calling dead American soldiers “suckers” and “losers” in 2018, publicly voicing opinions of contempt...
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Army chief says service doing great, has ‘pretty much no problems’
WASHINGTON – Breaking with his peers and the entire history of the Defense Department, the Chief of Staff of the Army said today that the...
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Tardigrade selected as Space Force mascot
THE PENTAGRAM — During a Friday press conference, Gen. John W. “Jay” Raymond announced the selection of the Tardigrade as the official Space Force mascot....
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Army stunned to learn Fort Hood had commander
FORT HOOD, Texas — Following the announcement that the U.S. Army had removed Maj. Gen. Scott Efflandt from command of Fort Hood, sources report that leading...
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E-7 caught field stripping for tips
FORT CARSON, Co. — Sgt. First Class Ted Carmichael is facing UCMJ discipline after being caught field stripping for cash tips during his battalion’s 3rd...
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TikToking Lieutenant excited to meet Army Chief of Staff ahead of peers
FORT STEWART, Ga. — In the wake of his TikTok video that went viral for an anti-Semitic joke, 2nd Lt. Norton Friedheim has fallen under...
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Nation shocked to learn Army North nowhere near Canada border
FORT SAM HOUSTON, Texas — Everyone in the United States was shocked overnight to learn that U.S. Army North is actually nowhere near Canada, according...
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After shark attack, Coast Guard asks Congress for a bigger boat
WASHINGTON DC — A Coast Guard spokesperson has admitted that after the USCGC Kimball was forced to fire on a shark during the crew’s swim...
