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The Duffel Brief · the free edition, Monday, Wednesday and Friday

Vol. 15 · No. 132 · Thursday, 5 November 2026

Pentagon

Pentagon confident U.S. will be ready for 2027 war with China by 2035

Officials cite historically proven American strategy of entering wars completely unprepared

Hegseth wears Eisenhower's globe as Halloween costume

Spirit Halloween store to become pop-up ICE detention center

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Vol. 15 · No. 132

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Vol. 15 · No. 132 · Deployed worldwide

Thursday

5 November 2026

1047 Zulu

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Pentagon

Pentagon confident U.S. will be ready for 2027 war with China by 2035

Officials cite historically proven American strategy of entering wars completely unprepared

Pentagon officials review preparations for a potential 2027 war with China. Defense leaders expressed confidence that American forces would be fully prepared for the conflict by 2035.

THE PENTAGON — Pentagon officials expressed optimism this week that the United States will be fully prepared to fight its anticipated 2027 war with China by 2035, citing steady progress toward rebuilding depleted munitions stockpiles, repairing warships and alienating every remaining American ally.

"We're in excellent shape," said a senior defense official. "Our projections show we'll have everything we need to fight the 2027 war with China by 2035, possibly 2034 if Congress approves the supplemental."

The official emphasized that entering a major conflict at a severe disadvantage was consistent with historically proven American methods of achieving victory.

"Look, America loves an underdog story," he said. "We're on track to exhaust our munitions stockpiles, drydock our entire naval fleet, and alienate all our allies by January. Historically, that's how America wins wars."

Pentagon officials also disclosed details of confidential negotiations with their Chinese counterparts, noting that both sides remained open to starting the conflict with an invasion of Taiwan or something with a little more historical significance.

"We're calling it the Marco Rubio Bridge Incident," explained one official. "We'll send

(Continued on Page 3, Col. 1) →

Pentagon

Hegseth wears Eisenhower's globe as Halloween costume

Secretary says historic artifact looks better without America's allies

THE PENTAGON — Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth won the Pentagon's annual Halloween costume contest Friday after dressing as a globe once owned by Gen. Dwight D. Eisenhower, transforming a priceless military artifact recently damaged by his staff into what aides described as a powerful statement of American military leadership.

The costume, dubbed "Pete the Planet," featured the 30-inch globe with a large hole around Antarctica through which Hegseth could insert his body.

"Most people see a broken globe," Hegseth reportedly told partygoers. "I see an opportunity to make the world great again."

The idea came after members of Hegseth's staff accidentally dropped the historic globe while attempting to move it into his office earlier this year. The collision punched a hole through Antarctica and detached the priceless artifact from its mount.

Rather than wait for professional conservators to repair the globe, Hegseth reportedly ordered his staff to enlarge the opening so he could fit inside.

"We spend billions defending those fucking penguins, and what have they ever done for us?" Hegseth asked.

Additional holes were cut through Greenland, Canada, most NATO countries and Taiwan to accommodate the secretary's arms and allow him to flex his biceps during conversations with foreign military attachés.

Aides said they were careful to avoid damaging countries among some of America's closest allies since January 2025, such as Russia, China, and North Korea.

"Secretary Hegseth believes in maintaining strong relationships with countries that understand strength," one official explained. "Eisenhower was a great general, but he wasted a lot of time building alliances with weak-ass European nations."

Ukraine was initially marked for removal, but Hegseth instead attached a miniature blinking Starlink satellite over the country.

"He likes being able to switch it on and off," one aide said. "It makes him feel like he's controlling the war."

(Continued on Page 3, Col. 3) →

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The desk misidentified a staff sergeant in a photograph as being at parade rest. He was asleep.

Wednesday's edition said the dining facility would reopen on Monday. It will reopen on a Monday.

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