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Desperate Airmen Crowd ‘How To Pick Up Women’ Classes

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Photo From One 'Aim Higher' Class

SAN ANTONIO, TX – On the heels of what military officials are calling a series of “crash and burn” attempts by Airmen to hit on women at local bars, the Air Force is offering all personnel E-1 through E-6 a free course in the art of picking up women.

The course, titled “Aim Higher: How to Score 10s by Upping Your Game,” is a six-week program in which aspiring pickup artists learn the art of seduction. It is provided by the Air Force Services Agency (AFSVA) at several stateside and overseas military installations.

“We’ve always known the importance of teaching our young Airmen how to succeed on the flight line,” said AFSVA spokesperson Martha Fischer. “Where we haven’t done such a great job is teaching them how to succeed after hours, out in the shark-infested dating pool.”

“Aim Higher” courses cover the basics of pickup art, such as approaching HBs (Hot Babes), scanning women for indicators of interest (IOIs), and making light physical contact (also known as “kino”, short for kinesthetics).

The course was designed by seasoned pickup artists, including “Mystery,” famous for his role in VH1’s The Pickup Artist reality show. For his efforts, Air Force officials gave Mystery a thank-you tour of Goodfellow Air Force Base in San Angelo, TX.

Air Force brass later issued a public apology for bringing Mystery on base, as 1/10th of the base’s female population contracted genital warts in the wake of his visit.

“This course is vital,” says Fischer, “especially when you consider that our Airmen are on joint bases and have to compete with Marines. Those Jarheads are absolute pussy magnets [sic]. We have to give our boys the tools to succeed in that competitive environment.”

Dwayne “Dog Fight” Davidson is an “Aim Higher” instructor at Lackland Air Force Base. On a recent Friday night, he taught a classroom of Airmen the importance of jazzing up their jobs.

“You,” Dog Fight said, pointing to a student. “What do you do for a living?”

“I hook up refueling lines to F-15s,” the student said.

“Ennnh,” said Dog Fight, imitating a “wrong” buzzer. “You ‘provide security to F-15s being refueled under combat conditions.’ ‘Hooking up a refueling line’ might get you a hand job in a Chili’s parking lot, but ‘providing security to jets in combat’ will get you doing the forward leaning rest on a queen-size mattress.”

Martha Fischer recounted the story of a recent girls night out she had, further stressing the importance of the classes.

“Some A1C came up to me and asked me if I wanted to ‘light his afterburner.’ Then he said, ‘Hey baby, do you want to attend a private GI partyin my pants?’ And when I rolled my eyes, he said, ‘Hey, it’s not like I’m a short-timer, if you know what I mean.'”

“Pathetic,” Fischer said. “I thought about giving [the A1C] a pity screw, but I went home with some alpha-male type instead.”

Air Force officials say that the class’s techniques are designed to work with all kinds of girls Airmen are likely to meet, including townies, HUA rats, cougars, and “dependapotami” with deployed husbands.

Ron is a technical writer and Navy veteran. His background was in intelligence and translation, but now he's paid to write technical manuals that no one reads.

Air Force

‘War (What is it good for)’ singer admits war actually quite good for boosting economy, creating jobs

He admitted in his private notes that there were some technical inaccuracies in the lyrics.

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LONDON — Nearly 50 years after the release of his counterculture number one hit “War (What is it good for),” unearthed notes from singer Edwin Starr’s estate reveal that he actually believed war was “quite good” for boosting the economy and creating jobs, sources confirmed today.

Although the song, written by Norman Whitfield and Barrett Strong in 1969, was one of the most popular anti-Vietnam War songs of the era, Starr admitted in his private notes that there were some technical inaccuracies in the lyrics.

“While there are certainly many aspects of war I don’t like, my initial assessment that it is good for ‘absolutely nothing’ was a bit misguided,” Starr, who died in 2003, wrote in his personal diary. “I now realize that, despite war’s shortcomings, it plays a vital role in the economics of our country.”

Starr’s diary went on to say that when he initially performed the song in 1970, statistical data about job creation in the defense industry was not yet available. Nowadays, he said, defense giants like Lockheed Martin and Raytheon provide stable, well-paying jobs to thousands of Americans across the country.

“I’m still totally against the whole ‘death and destruction’ part of war, but from a commercial point of view it kind of makes sense,” the diary went on. “I would never have had the success I had if it weren’t for war.”

His diary went on to reveal more verses to the song that expand upon the various fiscal benefits of war which did not make the final cut.

“It ain’t nothin’ but a heart breaker,” goes the second verse, “but it is quite effective at reducing the bottleneck in entry-level civilian employment, oh-oo-oh yeah.”

“Lord knows there’s got to be a better way, whoa-oo-whoa, ya’ll,” Starr sings at the end of the song. “But, for now, war seems to lead to technological innovation and a sense of national unity and community involvement unequalled during most other periods in our history, good Lord, yeah.”

Dirty contributed reporting.

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Air Force dad home from deployment surprises family by pretending to be dead in a coffin

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NASHVILLE — The Seamons family wanted nothing more than their father to return from his one-year deployment to Bahrain, but in keeping with the ongoing trend of emotionally manipulating your children for social media gain, Air Force Senior Master Sgt. Bill Seamons delivered a coffin to the front door of his residence and hid inside it, sources confirmed today.

Seamons made his most recent homecoming his most surprising and fantastic yet, and the psychotic mother, Tara, was in on the whole thing. She recorded the kid’s reaction to opening the door and seeing coffin, which was draped with an American flag, laid silent at their doorstep with two airmen in service dress blues. The coffin had a letter attached to it that Bill wrote to his family in the event of his death, apologizing for dying and that he won’t be around any longer to watch them grow up.

“I am so proud of all of you and the people you have grown up to be,” the youngest in the family, Billy, read aloud, his voice quivering with grief. “I only request that you open my casket and give me one last kiss before I am buried with my brothers. I love you with all my heart and I miss you very much, Daddy,” he continued, as the family began to cry uncontrollably as he finished the letter.

The mother encouraged Billy to open the casket, and when he did, Seamons burst out and yelled, “SURPRISE!” When the family looked up, their father was standing in front of them, alive and well.

The family’s joyous reaction to seeing their dad after a whole year, and briefly believing that he had been killed in action, has brought many people to tears as they’ve watched the moment online, according to Military Homecoming Analytics, a firm that specializes in measuring social media reaction to videos of returning service members.

The Seamons family are used to their father’s antics. One time the father sent a fake beheading video posted to YouTube, only to be followed by Bill revealing himself as one of the terrorists and playing the Rick Roll song.

“I’m going to share this reaction video with the whole internet,” said Seamons of his latest video. “I’m sure we’ll be on Ellen, Jimmy Fallon, and James Cordon in a few weeks and then this whole thing will be worth the years of therapy my kids will have to endure.”

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Nike apologizes for forgetting military monopoly on sacrifice

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BEAVERTON, Ore. — Nike has issued a public apology to the military community after creating an advertisement featuring the text “Believe in something. Even if it means sacrificing everything,” over a picture of a football player who is not a military veteran, sources confirmed today.

“We completely forgot that the only sacrifice that means anything is that of our brave men and women in uniform,” Nike CEO Mark Parker wrote in a tweet on Thursday, days after a backlash erupted over an ad campaign that featured Colin Kaepernick.

“I failed to remember that until I saw a meme where conservatives appropriated the image of fallen warrior Pat Tillman’s face in our ad instead of Kaepernick’s. It highlighted how mutually exclusive their two sacrifices are and emphasized the military monopoly on sacrifice.”

When reached for further comment, Parker also cited the success of images and videos on social media protesting Nike’s ad by showing service members cutting the Nike swoosh logo off their apparel.

“It’s a well-known fact that companies can’t bear to watch customers disrespect their symbol,” he told reporters. “To put it into perspective, it’s almost as painful for us to witness as it is for others to see someone kneel during the national anthem.”

Parker followed up with another tweet after his original apology was well received.

“Thank you for leveraging the image of a deceased hero to remind Nike and its leadership of the only manifestation of bravery and expression of patriotism, which is service in the armed forces. I’m sure Corporal Tillman would appreciate you speaking up on his behalf in a hotly debated topic like this.”

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Air Force

Retro Gem! We found the lost episode where Lassie stops Timmy from over-designing the F-35

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HOLLYWOOD — “Ruff, ruff! What’s that girl? You’ll never be happy with an airframe that tries air to ground troop support that can also land on a carrier? Aww, girl. Thanks, Lassie!”

And so starts the recently discovered lost tape from the beloved 1950s-1970s television show Lassie, where 19-year-old Timmy Martin, now off the farm and a homesick newly enlisted airman stationed at Langley Air Force Base, sneaks his beloved dog Lassie into the barracks. True to form, Lassie patiently listens to Timmy’s complaints about the F-15 Eagle, gently nuzzling him back to settling down with incremental change and multiple platforms and away from over-designing the F-35.

That dog’s a hero!

The tape appears to be from 1970, but certain details show Lassie’s uncanny ability to see into the future and know that Timmy will someday become an engineer at Lockheed Martin, and with enough barking, jumping, and dancing around in a circle, she could stop Timmy from making the most expensive weapons system in history a total clusterf–k.

That good girl deserves $1.3 trillion dollars in milk bones!

Due to massive delays, Lassie never lived to see the final F-35 underperform against the F-16 in air-to-air trials, or go out to the force without its full airspeed.

After all, all those production delays added up to 386 dog years! The tape ends with Lassie causing a disruption by stealing the table cloth under the buffet at the enlisted club, which stops Timmy from sexually harassing a female airman. Lassie then alerts the PJs and parachutes in with them after Timmy falls down the base well.

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Air Force Combat Controller shares the best method for clearing a room filled with insurgents

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Got a room or building filled with insurgents right in front of you and need to clear it? An Air Force combat controller knows the best way forward. As an elite special operations airman skilled in the art of call for fire and precision air strikes, here is step-by-step guide.

1. Identify the number of troops entering a room

It’s crucial to understand the size of the enemy element before determining the appropriate level of force to apply in any given situation.

A two-man observation post may simply call for a solid burst from the 30mm on a hovering AH-64, or perhaps a few marking “Willy Pete” rockets through the window to burn the defenders alive and really send a message to the rest of the compound that you’re not fucking around.

But if it’s a larger space, such as a multi room, multi-story complex, perhaps you want to choose something with a little more “oomph.” My personal favorite is a 500 lb GBU-38/B on one of the smaller structures. Once the survivors have clustered together in the remaining rooms, follow up with a nice 1,000 lb GBU-32(V)1/B to finish the job.

If your target is high value and positive identification is required, you may want to stick with multiple smaller yield payloads, which usually keeps the eyes and hands intact for the biometric analysis during the battlefield damage assessment.

2. Predict the shape of the room based on what it looks like from the outside

The exterior layout of a structure gives away a lot of information about what the inside might look like. If it’s a corner fed room, that leads dead space which may protect enemy personnel from the organ-liquefying overpressure of direct attack munitions, so be sure to place your ordnance “center of mass” on the structure, or risk leaving a few combatants alive and having to call in a 20mm gun-run, which takes time and unnecessary ammunition.

If you have a large compound or a multiple building layout with alternating room sizes, a CBU-105 over the entire area will seed dozens of bomblets, doing massive structural damage while inducing the remaining personnel to evacuate the area and expose themselves to small arms fire from the cordon element.

3. Consider the size of each step taken

When dropping ordnance or calling in aerial gunfire, the size of the munition is critical.

Yes it’s incredibly satisfying to watch a 2,000 pounder destroy five acres of poppy fields and 2/3rds of the adjacent village, but there may be a limited supply of those at the nearest airfield. Bombs are expensive after all. I prefer to just let the [A-10] hog drivers go to town and pick up the pieces afterwards.

Ever heard a GAU-8 tear apart a column of Toyota Hilux’s? That’s the sound of freedom.

4. Once you clear the first sector, move on but don’t flag your teammates

After raining death and destruction for an hour or so, it may be tempting to think an area is clear. However, you see some surprising things in combat. Just because the occupants of one house have been reduced to a fine pink goo doesn’t mean the grape-hut next to it isn’t filled with some really pissed off Taliban fighters waiting for the ringing in their ears to stop.

For more information on how to properly clear a room or reduce large numbers of human beings into unrecognizable chunks of meat, see your local Air Force recruiter.

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Trump signs executive order putting Chik-fil-A on every military base

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WASHINGTON — President Trump has signed an executive order that would put Chik-fil-A restaurants on all U.S. military bases, sources confirmed today.

The order, which comes on the heels of a recent petition for Chik-fil-A to bring its restaurants to military bases, states that the franchise would “bring real American service and chicken to those who really serve America and aren’t chickens.”

“Real Americans eat real American food, and real Americans who serve deserve real American service,” Trump said after signing the order in the Oval Office, where he was surrounded by service-members, poultry lobbyists, and a Holstein cow holding a sign that said, “eat more chikin.”

The move has garnered widespread support from troops, although it was sharply criticized by LGBTQ groups and others who refuse to put politics aside and enjoy the best goddamn chicken sandwich ever made.

“Chik-fil-A represents a creepy invasion of our democracy that must be stopped,” said Sen. Chuck Schumer (D-N.Y.). “Any establishment that closes its doors in recognition of their religion is anathema to American values,” he added during an interview Saturday outside a shuttered New York deli, noting the restaurant chain’s practice of closing on Sundays.

“Furthermore, I will ensure our brave troops at stations like West Point and Fort Drum are not subject to the oppressive hate crimes of a reasonably priced fast-food restaurant that serves delicious quality food the whole family can enjoy.”

Still, the restaurant hailed Trump’s decision, which would give it access to bases in the continental U.S. and abroad. A spokesman said Chik-fil-A planned to open its restaurants first at major Air Force, Navy, and Army bases, while adding that if there was any left over, it might open a hand-me-down restaurant at one or two of the major Marine Corps bases.

“Just definitely not at 29 Palms,” the spokesman said.

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Revolutionary new bomb can destroy $3 million of taxpayer money in a single strike

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WALTHAM, Massachusetts — In the ongoing war on fiscal prudence, a new bomb from Raytheon is ready to blow up the scene, sources confirmed today.

Raytheon is set to move into the operational testing phase for the most advanced bomb to ever be developed for the United States military.

The GBU-60, nicknamed the ‘Budget Buster,’ is capable of destroying up to $3 million of taxpayer money in a single strike, almost a thousand times as destructive as the Mark 82 bomb it is set to replace.

Raytheon attributes its enhanced destructive capability to costly innovations such as space age optical and thermal imaging, a precision laser-guided navigation and steering system, and a Martian death ray.

It is also capable of carrying 1.5 million dollars in cash that it can use to lure in suspecting terrorists before incinerating both them and between 10 to 37 percent of hard-earned American paychecks.

“The GBU-60 Budget Buster incorporates all the latest technology necessary to rapidly obliterate public capital on today’s battlefield,” said Raytheon CEO Thomas A. Kennedy.

While it is still a year or two away from being ready for worldwide deployment, members of Congress are already expressing excitement at the enhanced capabilities of the GBU-60.

“This revolutionary new bomb ensures the United States military will continue to be the most destructive in the world,” said Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-S.C.). “If we drop enough of these puppies, we can even annihilate an entire Treasury Department.”

The bomb is currently being developed for the F-35 Joint Strike Fighter, which has been deemed a ‘natural pairing’ due to the F-35’s awesome power to fly past fiscal restraints and eradicate piles of cash.

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Chow hall coffee to contain caffeine starting in 2019, officials say

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THE PENTAGON — Coffee served on U.S. military bases worldwide will finally include caffeine beginning in January of 2019, according to Gen. Joseph Dunford, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

“We appreciate those of you who brought to our attention that coffee isn’t even really expensive and that the least we could do is serve drinkable coffee since we expect so many of you to wake up every day before dawn,” Dunford said in an address at the Pentagon. “Things move slowly in enormous bureaucracies, especially when workers are barely able to keep their eyes open. So, bear with us as we roll out these changes over the coming months.”

He added: “We’ve been proud to serve the most god-awful coffee imaginable — and I really mean that, by the way. Chow hall coffee is basically bong water except instead of pot, it’s strained through moldy cardboard. And even then, it was mostly water with just the faintest cardboard color.”

The change came following a petition by soldiers under the so-called #HurryUpAndCaffeinate movement, which attracted hundreds of thousands of supporters in recent months. The initiative did not just attract current active-duty members, however. A number of veterans of the Vietnam War also signed and supported the petition, organizers said.

“When I was in, you just popped some speed, smoked a little grass, and got on with your day of ignoring orders,” said Vince Peel, who fought as a Marine near Da Lat in 1968. “These kids today, they’re getting piss-tested all the time, they can’t even drink alcohol in theater. I say, give them some damn coffee already.”

Jerome White, who was stationed near Saigon as a radio operator, agreed that drinkable coffee should be a bare minimum requirement in military chow halls.

“I would have about lost my mind if those Chinooks weren’t regularly dropping off pallets of beer,” he said of his experience overseas. “And I didn’t even see combat! The lifestyle just wears you down. Some asshole chewing you out over an untucked bootlace. Up every day at 04. Group PT. Soldiers need caffeine to deal with this kind of environment.”

Still, some criticized the move as another example of the military becoming more “politically correct.”

“We have super soakers and everything to keep privates awake in class, so this kind of sucks, if you ask me,” said Staff Sgt. Bill Elm, a tank commander at Fort Hood, Texas. “The only fun thing about all these classes is to lull privates into a stupor so we can blast them with water.”

“Plus, all the NCOs just make a quick run to 7-Eleven for coffee, anyway,” he added. “No one drinks that hot piss they serve in the chow hall.”

“What these activists don’t understand,” said one Navy Culinary Specialist who spoke under condition of anonymity to avoid reprisal. “Is that for anyone to have good food in the military means that cooks have to a) know what good food tastes like, and b) take any pride at all in our work. The reality is, we absolutely refuse to try. You will never get good food or coffee from us, ever.”

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