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Reaper Drone Found Not Guilty In Death Of American Teenager

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ARLINGTON, VA — A U.S. federal jury has found an MQ-9 Reaper drone not guilty of second degree murder and manslaughter in the aerial bombing death of a young American teenager, Abdulrahman al-Awlaki, who was killed in Yemen in October 2011.

As the verdict was read, the defendant YIPPEEKIYAY-88 sat motionless in the courtroom with a blank expression, its onboard camera swiveling back and forth between the jury and its operator, Capt. Ted Slaughter, who would have faced charges as an accessory to murder had there been a conviction.

Outside, dozens of supportive Reaper and Predator drones, waving signs like “01010000 01100001 01110101 01101100” and “01100111 00101101 01101000 01100001 01100100”, flew back and forth over the courthouse.

Awlaki family attorney Gul Haji Rachman gave a tearful speech to reporters, in which he vowed the fight was not over.

“Today, we are all Abdulrahman al-Awlaki,” Rachman said, as he donned traditional Yemeni garb of a zenneh, jambiya, and RPG-7.  “This Reaper was clearly targeting this young boy, just walking around the neighborhood, minding his business with a bushel of khat,” he added, shortly before he himself was killed in a drone strike.

While the drone strike was originally written off by investigators as just another routine bombing, it gained traction following a massive public backlash. At one point U.S. President Barack Obama gave a televised address, vowing “to get to the bottom of this” and exclaiming, “If I had a son, he’d look like Abdulrahman al-Awlaki.”

During court proceedings, YIPPEEKIYAY-88 maintained its innocence, saying that Awlaki had attacked it first, and displaying pictures of its cracked camera as proof that it was acting in self-defense.

“01010111 01100001 01100111 01101110 01100101 01110010 00100000 01101100 01101111 01110110 01100101 01110011 00100000 01100011 01101111 01100011 01101011,” it said while being cross-examined, prompting prosecuting attorney Maria Markovic to demand, “And how exactly is that relevant?”

The prosecution called the drone a “wannabe vigilante,” arguing that it had no business flying over another country with its own army and police force. They also played tapes of YIPPEEKIYAY-88’s operator calling Langley, Va. to report his suspicions of al-Awlaki — at one point muttering, “fucking terrorists” — which some see as a clear case of profiling.

“We see a lot of suspicious activity patrolling over Yemen, sure,” Capt. Slaughter said in an interview with police, “but this kid was acting really strange. He was peering into mud huts, walking around aimlessly, and appeared to be speaking in Arabic: clearly up to no good.”

“When YIPPEEKIYAY-88 told me it was going out of his flight path to pursue him, I told it, ‘you don’t need to do that.’  We can always hit him on the way back to base.”

The trial itself was relatively brief: just three weeks of testimony. Legal experts also believe the prosecution’s case fell apart after a key witness was tragically incinerated by a 500 lb bomb while sitting in her bathtub.

At press time, the father of Awlaki could not be reached for comment.

Duffel Blog writer Paul contributed to this article.

Air Force

Space Force now soliciting uniform concepts from industry

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Two months ago, President Donald Trump announced the creation of a new branch of military service within the Department of Defense, the U.S. Space Force. A recently released Pentagon report revealed that, almost immediately after the President’s announcement, a Pentagon official named Mr. James Fortran deployed to various locations within the U.S. in an attempt to find an answer to the question that what was cited as “the Space Force’s most significant hurdle in its long road to activation:”

“What will the uniforms look like?”

The report details that Fortran was first sent to California to meet with interested uniform suppliers. Bored by extraordinarily simple suggestions like “let’s make human exosuits with built-in jetpacks” or cost-effective, nonsensical ideas such as “just keep the same design as the rest of the military, you idiot,” Fortran decided to head to the San Francisco Comic Con event for inspiration.

The images featured above represent a portion of Fortran’s portfolio, which he submitted to the Pentagon at the conclusion of his trip. Published transcripts from his presentation cite him as commenting that “they’re perfect… look at how eccentric, robust, and forward-thinking these designs are! When Americans think of space marines, this is what they will picture in their minds.”

Fortran’s portfolio also mentions a meeting with Bungie, the creators of the Halo gaming universe. Details from this meeting were unfortunately classified, but Fortran was cited as stating that the meeting went “very, very well” and that the ensuing discussion was “very, very promising” in the presentation’s transcripts.

Fortran has returned to the Pentagon, where a series of meetings are currently underway to evaluate his findings. The Pentagon declined to comment on any specifics relating to the consideration of Fortran’s uniform findings. However, inside sources revealed that Captain Charles Bunkley of the United States Navy, who led the introduction of the blue type 1 working uniform made to have sailors blend in with the ocean, suggested a black uniform imprinted with various constellations, nebulas, and galaxies. It appears as if this idea is also being seriously considered.

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Air Force decreases deployments to Afghanistan to a 3-hour tour

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PENTAGON – Secretary of the Air Force Heather Wilson announced today that the Air Force would limit future rotations to Afghanistan to a three-hour tour with free lunch.

“These exotic tours should hit peak efficiency by limiting Air Force personnel to groups of five or so. The limited duration will keep burnout low and enthusiasm high.” said Wilson. “We’ll put America’s Airmen on expertly skippered three-hour tours.”

“A three-hour tour,” echoed Wilson’s aide.

The shortened tours are expected to increase the likelihood of Air Force Reserve personnel with unique civilian skill sets – such as professors, movie stars, millionaires, and millionaires’ wives – to volunteer for deployments.

“We used to require lengthy pre-deployment training,” Wilson added. “Today’s airmen don’t even need to pack. They’ll be on the ground for three hours.”

Wilson, who also introduced the new C-130M Minnow, emphasized how easy it was to get out of Afghanistan efficiently before concluding the press conference.

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Air Force can’t figure out why sailor would spend $1,280 on tattoo

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WASHINGTON — A visibly annoyed Air Force called a sailor’s decision to pay for a full-sleeve tattoo financially irresponsible, adding with just a hint of disdain that this sort of extravagant spending is to blame for the Defense Department’s slew of budgetary woes, sources confirmed today.

“One thousand, two hundred and eighty dollars for some body art?” scoffed Air Force. “What a waste! Think of all the golf balls you could buy.”

“At least two, maybe three,” the fiscally-sensible service surmised. “Certainly no more than three.”

The Air Force’s steadfast reputation among the military for doing more with less is rooted in its proud history of battling fraud, waste and abuse.

The sailor in question, Intelligence Specialist 1st Class Michael Parker, recently had the finishing touches added to an intricate sprawl of nautically-themed tattoos covering the entirety of his right arm.

“A poor mistake like that [tattoo] isn’t some simple mulligan,” said Air Force. “Just think, if you saved $1,280 every year for 20 years, you’d be able to buy yourself a decent, middle-of-the-road nine-iron and be ready for retirement.”

Parker, 28, has been gradually adding tattoos to his arm over the past three years so as to not “break the bank.”

The Air Force expressed worry at the American public’s response to what it views as fiscal waste.

“You know, I hate to be ‘that branch,’” the responsible steward of taxpayer monies said, “but these sorts of things really make me question the professionalism of our sister services.”

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ISIS thanks Air Force for bombing North Carolina with Humvee

The group said it wished it thought of the idea.

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FORT BRAGG, N.C. — The U.S. Air Force received accolades from ISIS for totally missing a massive Fort Bragg drop zone and “bombing” civilian property in North Carolina with a Humvee, sources confirmed today.

The praise was apparently in reference to bungled airborne operation on Oct. 25, when a C-17 Globemaster accidentally dropped a Humvee by parachute into an area with private residences, miles short of the designated drop zone.

“In the name of Allah, the most Merciful, we send appreciations to the disbeliever Air Force for spreading terror into the decadent western province of North Carolina, home of infidel soldiers who kill our brothers and live on smokeless tobacco and energy drinks,” the terror group said in a statement.

“Truly, turning a Humvee into a 5,000 pound sky bomb was such a great idea, we wish it was ours. We only wish that the infidel vehicle had damaged the nearby nest of debauchery known as Fayetteville, where pawn shops, strip clubs and bars already help the Caliphate by hoovering money out of the wallets of crusader army soldiers.”

“We’re a little conflicted,” said spokesman Maj. Stephen Raskins. “On one hand we certainly don’t endorse ISIS or anything it stands for. On the other hand, we think this was a successful mission and are glad somebody sees it the same way.”

“Sure, hitting the drop zone is optimal,” said Raskins. “But its really only that last part of an airborne operation that has hundreds of moving parts. When you consider that that Humvee sailed off the C-17 like a dream and that the aircrew still made happy hour, this mission was 99% successful, just like Operation Market Garden in World War II. And really, compared to all the explosives and automatic weapons we lost at Minot Air Force Base this year, dropping a truck into a bunch of pine trees looks pretty damn good.”

Raskins also added that successful missions like this help the Air Force earn more funding for golf courses, dining facilities, and maybe training if there’s enough money left.

At press time, the Air Force planned to award Air Force Achievement Medals to the entire crew of the C-17. Reports of medals from ISIS could not be confirmed.

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Air Force suffering from massive sky penis envy

“This is totally unfair,” said Maj. Richard “Kinda” Small

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NELLIS AIR FORCE BASE — Following news that the Marine Corps has made its own “sky penis” over Southern California just a year after the Navy pulled off a similar feat, the Air Force is reportedly “super jelly” and suffering a “massive case of sky penis envy,” Duffel Blog has learned.

According to sources close to the matter, the issue is highly sensitive and being felt all the way at the very tip of Air Force leadership.

“This is all cocked-up,” said Secretary of the Air Force Heather Wilson to top leadership in a meeting Wednesday. “Get your dicks together. This is affecting our recruiting. Air Force is over here pounding our puds while these Naval Aviators are out there like Red Bull air races meets PornHub. Our competition is stiff and we’re getting shafted!”

Disappointment at the lack of sky penis exists not just at the tip of the Air Force spear, but is also being felt up and down the length of the service’s rank and file, some of whom say they are feeling shafted.

“This is totally unfair,” said Maj. Richard “Kinda” Small, a fighter pilot with the Air Force’s flight demonstration squadron, the Thunderbirds.

“My F-16 could make a stunning sky penis. That jet is such a prolific unit. The list of things it can do is long and distinguished!”

While some senior civilian Air Force leaders are clearly demanding their own sky penis — which pilots are more than willing to sky-write — the hardest pushback is apparently coming from its own generals.

“Gentlemen, we don’t do sky penis,” said Brig. Gen. Phil Lacid. “Besides, we are way too busy prematurely ejecting humvees on the army right now.”

At press time, it was reported that the Commandant of the Marine Corps and Chief of Naval Operations co-authored a memo to the Air Force regarding successful sky-penis operations, which explained that it’s not just about man-power but also aircraft “thrust.”

The two intended to hand-deliver the missive but were too busy snickering in a Pentagon E-ring bathroom.

rockorsomething contributed reporting.

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Air Force removes baptism from basic training graduation requirements

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WASHINGTON — The Air Force announced today that it would no longer require recruits to become baptized Christians in order to graduate basic training following yet another bout of criticism over bias from Air Force leaders who identify as evangelicals.

Secretary of the Air Force Heather Wilson addressed the change in policy in a press conference at the Pentagon.

“After deep prayer and reflection, we have concluded that Jesus will just have to enter all of our new airmen’s hearts in His own way,” Wilson said. “We pray for our Lord and Savior’s grace and forgiveness in this matter.”

The move comes amid increasing scrutiny from groups like the Military Religious Freedom Foundation (MRFF) who say leaders are pushing their religious beliefs in inappropriate ways. By removing the baptism requirement, the Air Force hopes to tamp down mounting controversy.

The MRFF says there still is room for improvement.

“I mean, for goodness sake, the Air Force Academy – an engineering school that is supposed to mass produce pilots – has outsourced all science and engineering classes to Focus on the Family,”  said MRFF President Mikey Weinstein, an academy graduate himself. “We’ve got a generation of aviators and potential astronauts who think that gravity is the devil trying to suck them down into hell and that Elijah’s magic chariot dust is what propels them into the air.”

The Air Force is exploring other moves to further address concerns of organizations like the MRFF. Proposed ideas include discontinuing punishments for airmen who do not attend Bible study on a weekly basis and no longer issuing chastity belts to females in the service.

“We’ll continue to seek guidance from our pastors, and we also intend to check the Constitution again to see if there’s an amendment about Jesus in there” said Wilson.

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Pentagon worries that plunging morale might affect morale

Nevertheless, many service members remain skeptical that conditions will improve anytime soon.

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ARLINGTON, Va. — Officials at the Pentagon have expressed concerns that plunging morale among American service members may be affecting service member morale, sources revealed today.

“We at the Department of Defense are deeply worried that the growing apathy of America’s war fighters may have a negative impact on America’s ability to fight wars,” said Pentagon spokesperson Maj. Ed Marquand.

“Though we are at present unsure of the exact root of the growing malaise, our researchers suspect that it may have something to do with almost two decades of perpetual conflict, a gradual decline in America’s international prestige, or endemic inefficiency across the military industrial complex.”

While the Pentagon’s recognition of this growing problem strikes many Americans as a step in the right direction, it remains unclear what actions the Pentagon will take to rectify the issue.

“We are currently exploring a number of possible solutions to increase the job satisfaction of our soldiers, sailors, Marines, and airmen,” Marquand said. “Currently, we suspect that if we find a way to make living more bearable for our military personnel, they may actually begin to enjoy being alive. Experiments conducted on laboratory animals and members of the Coast Guard support this theory.”

However, despite the Pentagon’s announcement, there are some across the military who disagree with any attempt to improve the the happiness of military members.

“Morale is a crutch,” an anonymous colonel stated in a recent suicide letter.

Nevertheless, many service members remain skeptical that conditions will improve anytime soon.

“I’ll believe it when I see it,” said Lance Cpl. Marcus Strudelmeier of 7th Marine Regiment. “If Maj. Whatshisnuts thinks a little press conference will keep me from doing cough syrup jello shots in a desperate attempt to shuffle off this mortal coil, stand the fuck by.”

As of press time, Pentagon researchers were attempting to link overwhelming depression among E-5s and below with poor barracks Wi-Fi.

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Air Force drops pumpkin spice JDAM on Taliban position

Fall is here!

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Air Force Drops Pumpkin Spice JDAM on Taliban Position

AFGHANISTAN — Marking the beginning of fall and a pivot towards a more bountiful, festive campaign season, an Air Force F-16 fighter dropped a pumpkin spice Joint Direct Attack Munition on a Taliban fighting position, sources confirmed today.

“There’s nothing more lovely than when the leaves start to turn and all of our munitions are spiced with a savory hint of nutmeg and ginger,” said Capt. Mitch Lozano, the pilot. “You can almost taste the cool, damp leaves of autumn and the rich musk of freshly cut hay in the air after every attack.”

Sources say the squadron’s pilots were sitting around the fire drinking pumpkin spice lattes, reminiscing on the change of seasons and the fleeting nature of life, when they received reports of an Afghan unit in need of support. In accordance with procedure, they donned their chestnut brown flight sweaters, placed their cozy helmets over their flaxen manes, and took to the skies in a chilly autumn wind.

“Oh, how enchanting to bring in the harvest with a crisp cool breeze and the scent of cinnamon and clove around the charred remains of your enemy’s corpse,” said Lozano. “There’s not much that says ‘autumn’ more than the warm palette of sepia and ochre colored leaves as you and your best friends fly off into the sunset after an aggressive gun run.”

At press time, the Air Force announced it was developing peppermint mocha armor-piercing 30mm cannon ammunition and gingerbread cruise missiles to be ready in time for Christmas.

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