The following is an opinion piece written by a U.S. Navy Band Clarinet.
Is it me, or is this whole “sequestration” deal complete bullshit? Like, this is serious. Base facilities are being shuttered. Entire ship deployments and repairs are being cancelled. And now, due to a majority of the Navy Band’s gigs getting shit-canned, I haven’t been blown since our last concert two weeks ago.
You heard right: Two full weeks have passed since I’ve had a set of wet, tender lips clamped down around my reed and mouthpiece. Half a month has gone by since my keys have been fingered with the professional and sensual touch of a Filipina massage girl. Indeed, it’s been 14 desperate days since I’ve had wave after wave of sweet, moist oxygen pumping straight down my barrel, coursing through my first and second joints, and working every nook and cranny of my imported African hardwood until I erupt in a spasm of pure sexual ecstasy while skeeting-out some of the sweetest John Philip-fucking-Sousa you’ve ever heard.
Yup. That’s all apparently over now, courtesy of the Budget Control Act of 2011. Thanks, Congress.
Of course, it wasn’t always like this. Back before the budget went to shit and the military was adequately funded, the Navy Band’s schedule was jam-packed and I was living life like a rock star.
I used to get to travel all over the place playing gigs in front of world leaders, bringing joy to the locals, and all while at the same time spreading freedom’s message through the beautiful sound of some of our nation’s most patriotic music.
And during all that, I was also getting oral.
Like, really, really good oral from this brunette E3 who had been perfecting her clarinet blowing skills since she was barely nine years old.
Don’t look at me like I’m some pervert. She was already 20 when she bought me.
Also, I’m a fucking clarinet.
But anyway, I guess all that doesn’t matter anymore, because word on the street is that the whole money situation is only gonna’ get worse. So instead of looking forward to getting my human saliva and air-based jollies at that big ship commissioning in San Diego next month, I guess I’m better off just hoping to get a handjob during instrument cleaning next Thursday (unless they’ve cut polishing cloths and cork grease from the budget, too.)
You know, I used to think that if my owner ever had any stenciling or engraving put on my case, I’d want it to read, “Pierside And Worldwide, Gettin’ Blown With Navy Pride!” because I was just that happy and proud, you know?
But now, thanks to how shitty the government has made things for all of us just because they can’t stop playing politics long enough to put a few extra bucks into our operating coffers, I think I rather my case just say, “Hey, Obama and Congress: BLOW ME!”
Of course, at this point, I guess that would just be wishful thinking.