CHEYENNE, Wyo. — In a close vote, Sen. John Barrasso (R-Wyo.) heroically managed to halt plans to end production of the “Humvee” line of military vehicles, saving the program from being scrapped due to budget cuts. In a coincidence some observers are calling “really, really accidental,” the vote also saves as many as 20,000 jobs in Barrasso’s home state.
The High Mobility Multipurpose Wheeled Vehicle (HMMWV), or “Humvee,” has been the military’s primary transportation and patrol vehicle platform since 1983. It is manufactured by AM General, which, in another complete coincidence, donated over $600,000 to Barrasso’s “Strength, Leadership, Understanding, Stability, Honor” PAC.
“The HMMWV is a tried and true military all-purpose vehicle which is in no way outdated and has certainly not led to hundreds of thousands of injuries and deaths due to its lack of armor, ridiculously wide wheel base, and terrible cornering,” said Barrasso at a $30,000-a-plate donor brunch in Manhattan Thursday.
Barrasso paused to accept a wedding anniversary present of a fourteen-year-old Filipina from a union representative.
“And it’s totally, totally unrelated that keeping the program going also serves to keep the main AM General factory in Laramie open, maintaining the jobs of thousands of people who have to vote the way their union reps tell — I mean, hardworking Wyomans,” continued Barrasso.
“I honestly don’t even consider that fact when I am in my diamond-encrusted office in Washington, considering how to vote while my fourth and seventh assistant secretaries take turns polishing my scepter,” he added.
Barrasso’s constituents applaud his forward-thinking work to keep the military bound to unsafe, decades-old technology.
“We’re really happy with how our bri — uh, our donations have come ba — I mean, ah, we have no direct financial association with the senator,” said Diana Kribble, mayor of Murphy, a small town north of Sheridan which is the site of a Northrup Grumman factory that employs five thousand local residents.
“When Sen. Barrasso singlehandedly killed the Land Warrior program, it saved the factory in my town,” Kribble continued. “Thousands of servicemembers dying because they’re forced to continue their use of the terrible Blue Force Tracker system is a small price to pay for some blue-collar slobs not having to learn some new skills.”
Barrasso’s current term will expire in 2018. In super-unrelated news, his office has confirmed that he will not seek reelection, instead opting to move to a private-sector job as manager of AM General’s Bermuda office.
Check out After Action with Max & Paul, an awesome new podcast featuring the creators of Terminal Lance and Duffel Blog.