WASHINGTON — Only weeks before Americans decide whether their next president will be Hillary Clinton or Donald Trump, sources say President Barack Obama is frantically working each day and night to finally confiscate everyone’s guns, institute Sharia law, and turn the military against its own citizens.
“I was going to start by declaring martial law in all 50 states,” Obama reported glumly as he shuffled little red Risk pieces across a map of the United States. “But most of the National Guard generals were just like, ‘nah’.”
By his own admission, the president’s most critical failure has been to allow tens of millions of firearms to remain in the hands of American citizens, which includes the dangerous-looking black ones with detachable fully-automatic “clip” magazines. That plot has gone nowhere in the face of eight years of Republican opposition.
Insiders say the main reason so many of the president’s most important policy objectives have failed is that it just takes a lot of energy to be the Antichrist and a devout Muslim at the same time. It’s also very difficult to confiscate guns from a populace that’s so paranoid they’ll stockpile magazines after a school shooting and bury long guns in their yard, sources say.
With less than four months left in office, the President is working frantically to actualize other plans that he had previously had sitting on the shelf. Those include finally getting around to building those FEMA concentration camps, recalibrating the weather machine he used to cause Hurricane Katrina, and replacing as many judges as possible with members of ISIS well-versed in Sharia law.
“I just need a little more time,” Obama told reporters. “Once I transfer my consciousness to the Clinton-bot, maybe I can finish calibrating the Jew Media to turn everyone gay.”