Obama still trying to find good hiding spot for nuclear codes

barack obama under desk
President Barack Obama examines the Resolute Desk on March 3, 2009, while visiting with Caroline Kennedy Schlossberg in the Oval Office. In a famous photograph, her brother John F. Kennedy Jr., peeked through the FDR panel, while his father President Kennedy worked. Official White House Photo by Pete Souza

WASHINGTON — President Barack Obama is still desperately searching for a good hiding spot for the nation’s nuclear codes, just hours before his successor is set to take the oath of office.

According to senior intelligence officials, the president has kept the secret codes for America’s nuclear arsenal at close hand in recent weeks, while repeatedly failing to find a place in the attic, in the back of a desk drawer, or in an unused closet that would prove difficult for the next president to find.

“I’ve tried everywhere,” Obama reportedly said, according to officials who were briefed on the president’s remarks. “The guy is going to be here in just a few hours. Where the hell am I going to put these things?”

Besides trying to hide the nuclear codes — which the president assured reporters was not the same combination of your luggage or ‘00000000‘ — Obama has also been busy trying to stash away top secret intelligence files, though President-elect Trump has not expressed much interest in reading them.

At press time, Obama was also placing his copy of ‘How to be President — for Dummies’ in his carry-on luggage. “He sure as hell isn’t getting my copy,” he said.

Paul is a former Marine grunt with eight years of experience — specializing in snapping necks and cashing checks. He enjoys blowing things up, making people laugh, and hardcore gangster rap music.