by Jason Binghamton, a Marine veteran who spent the majority of his enlistment on the body composition program
Many have debated the ethics and legality of this decision both inside and outside the military, but all have left out perhaps its most consequential aspect: The food.
Some people say the best foods are shaped like penises.
Well I say the best foods consist of spiced meat wrapped in a pita, tortilla, or other flat bread with vegetables, sauce, and, dare I say, cheese. Mexicans and Muslims happen to be the masters of this culinary blessing.
Don’t get me wrong; I can’t stand those dirty scoundrels any more than the next guy. Hell, I joined the military to fight Muslims. Keeping them around is purely a practical matter.
For $3.99 at the local taco or kabob food truck one can dine like a king (or rey/malik, if one is so inclined). And what? Am I supposed to just eat burgers every time I’m drunk as fuck at three in the morning and want to devour five pounds of greasy beef and cheese? Bull shit.
I, for one, am not ready to give up Taco Tuesday over some political mumbo-jumbo.
Some will criticize the brave cocineros and shawarma slicers who bring us these savory delights.
“They’re taking good fast food jobs away from upstanding white Christian folk,” they say. “It’s only a matter of time before they start putting cocaine and IEDs in our sandwiches,” others argue.
Well I believe cheesy deliciousness is well worth the risk of the occasional shawarma bomb.
Yes, these fine cuisines will make your breath smell like garlic and onions no matter how many cigarettes you smoke to get the taste out. And yes, you’ll spend the next 12 hours spraying a hateful, picante mess into your toilet bowl.
But I’ll be damned if Mexicans and Muslims don’t make the best food on planet Earth.
Mr. President, for the good of our country and the detriment of our bowels, let those poor bastards in. Now, more than ever, America needs these champions of falafel and carnitas to allow us to eat 5,000 calories per meal on a budget.