JOINT BASE SAN ANTONIO, Texas — Air Force Lt. Jack McLane returned to his squadron today following a harrowing seven-year experience attempting to accomplish online SERE Training, Pentagon officials confirmed.
McLane, who initially signed into Joint Knowledge Online to accomplish a mandatory requirement prior to spending a four-day pass in Toronto, Canada, was soon sucked into a vortex of an online training portal which consumed nearly seven years of his life.
“Initially, I thought I’d spend an hour clicking through tabs, like I did with the annual Cybersecurity Challenge,” McClane told reporters. “But I soon found myself sitting through endless videos and accomplishing pointless tests just to go on leave.”
Over a period of seven years, during which he remained chained to the Dell laptop in his cubicle, McLane was forced to undergo torture most Americans could never comprehend — including clicking on edible plants in a virtual forest, healing his comrades’ wounds with little more than a handkerchief and 300 manna points, and clicking on dialogue boxes in an effort to communicate with allied forces.
Despite valiant efforts, McLane was eventually captured, and subjected to brutal interrogation, as evidenced by a strange shaking animatic in the screen every time his character was beaten.
McLane thought he was complete with his online SERE training nearly four years ago until he checked regulations and realized he took the wrong SERE training module and had to start over with the SERE 100.2 module.
McLane was recognized by Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz.), who also endured seven years of captivity in the hands of the North Vietnamese, and who keeps the bamboo rod used to beat him in his Congressional office suite.
“It just goes to show you the depths to which our enemies are willing to sink to humiliate our service members in a vain effort to extract information from them,” McCain said in a statement. “That why I’m proud to be an American. We would never torture and interrogate prisoners — after all, it just doesn’t work.”