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Some California incumbents lagging in fundraising: report

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Air Force

After North Pole moves, NORAD assures Eric Trump it can still track Santa

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – Department of Defense officials assured Eric Trump that a natural geologic shift of the magnetic North Pole would not jeopardize Santa Claus, his toy workshop, or Trump’s chances of receiving Christmas gifts, sources confirmed today.

Trump expressed concerns about observations that the magnetic north pole is drifting, which he believed could interfere with Santa Claus’s navigation capabilities or prevent the U.S. Northern Command (NORAD) from using its famous “Santa Tracker” to monitor Saint Nick’s’ toy deliveries on Christmas Eve. Either situation, according to Trump, would constitute “probably the biggest national security issue of the entire world. Like, ever.”

Trump’s concern stemmed from recent news reports that the Earth’s magnetic north pole is moving from the Canadian Artic towards Russia at 34 miles per year. Magnetic north normally moves slowly over time due to energy from the planet’s core. The current drift is significantly faster than in the past and requires updates to navigation systems.

With no official role in the White House, Trump leveraged his father’s influence and convened an emergency meeting to review the situation.

Using a model of the Santa’s workshop made from legos, Trump declared that navigation issues for Santa or a gap in NORAD tracking abilities presented a national security crisis “every bit as real as the emergency on our southern border.”

Based on the pole’s drift towards Russia, Trump was particularly concerned that Vladimir Putin is “stealing” magnetic north.

The attending CIA representative stated that the intelligence community has no evidence linking the drift to Putin or any of the “bad guys” that Trump suggested as Putin’s accomplices – Boris Badenov, Natasha Fatale, Ernst Stavro Blofeld, Dr. Evil, or the Hamburgler.

“Not a chance sir,” said the CIA representative, “pretty much because they’re all fictional characters.”

Trump replied that he “totally knows” that the Hamburgler is not a real person, saying “that costume is an obvious cover disguise. Duh.”

The staff duty officer at NORAD drew a picture that depicted the drift of magnetic north and placement of NORAD sensors with the words “really big antennas here,” which eventually reassured Trump.

Trump said that he is committed to be “really really super good” in 2019 to give Santa extra incentive for overcoming the magnetic shift.

As the meeting convened, attendees overheard an Air Force representative tell Trump that NORAD “should probably get a couple of billion dollars for sensor improvements, just to be safe.”

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News

Taliban assure negotiators they’ll totally stop fighting after the US leaves

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DOHA, Qatar — Chief U.S. negotiator Zalmay Khalilzad repeated assurances today he received from the Taliban that they are “totally going to lay down their weapons and become peace loving, democratic civilians as soon as American forces leave.”

American representatives have been engaged in talks with Taliban leaders in hope of a diplomatic resolution to the 17-year conflict that has rocked Afghanistan.

“I asked them point blank if they were willing to lay down their arms the moment U.S. troops left the country,” Khalilzad said. ”And they all looked at each other for a second and then began nodding.”

“I don’t understand why anyone thinks we’d do otherwise,” a Taliban delegate said. “Our whole mission this entire time has been to rid our great country of foreign soldiers. All those attacks on civilians and Afghan soldiers was to throw you off the scent, and all that militant Islam is just motivation for boots.”

While no details of the peace framework have been released, multiple sources said it involves top Taliban commanders pinky swearing with Afghan President Ashraf Ghani to cease fighting once the last U.S. troops leave.

“Of course I am going to put down my weapon as soon as I can,” another delegate said. “I’ve been fighting in these mountains, living off of bits of rice and goat since I was twelve years old. I’ve had enough. Partial victory is fine. I want to open a falafel shop or maybe run for office like my commander.”

Taliban leaders expressed hope that they would soon be able to travel their country without fear of violence.

“I’m looking forward to visiting Kabul,” Lajbar Mohammed, a high-ranking Taliban delegate said. “I want to see the place where we hung [former Afghan dictator] Dr. Najib’s corpse after we gave him a pardon then tortured and murdered him back in 1996.”

A key piece to the framework is assurance the Taliban will not harbor Islamic terrorists such as Al Qaeda — a point the Taliban delegation said was moot.

“That was the nineties man,” Mohammed said. “Everyone did crazy stuff back then.”

Meanwhile at the U.S. embassy in Kabul, aircrews were seen putting grip on the skids of multiple helicopters.

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News

Obese veteran agrees with Supreme Court on transgender troop ban

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One large veteran is praising the 5 to 4 Supreme Court decision that allows the Trump administration’s ban on transgender troops to go into effect while the legal debate moves through the circuit courts.

The ruling sparked a significant uproar on social media, but not everyone disagrees with the policy that has been criticized as exclusionary and misguided. Nick Tollhouse, a veteran with two tours of service, commended the Supreme Court for its critical legal analysis of the issue and sound decision regarding the future of the military.

“I just really think it’s about lethality and combat readiness,” he said, squeezing an entire tube of raw cookie dough into his mouth. “How am I supposed to serve in war next to someone who doesn’t even know their own gender?”

The sudden change in policy occurred after Trump tweeted that transgenders would not be allowed to serve in the military in any capacity. Previously, transgender service members could serve openly after a year-long study resulted in a change by the Obama administration.

“I just don’t think American tax dollars should go towards unnecessary surgeries that keep a Marine from properly serving his country,” he continued as literal bacon grease began to pool under his armpits. “My wife served too. And sure, she was pregnant for her entire enlistment, but at least she knows she’s a woman.”

Tollhouse served in the military from 2007 to 2015. His last unit deployed to Afghanistan in support of Operation Enduring Freedom where they suffered numerous casualties. At the time, Tollhouse was selected by his command to remain in garrison after having undergone surgery to remove a sandwich that had lodged itself under a service-related fat roll.

“The military isn’t a money pool where you can just join up for free gender reassignment surgery because you feel like it. It’s for those people who want to defend and serve their country. Medical care like the mobility scooter the VA is providing me — that should go to the real heroes,” he said.

Tollhouse was unavailable for further comment as he was then rolled out of the interview room like a giant blueberry.

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News

Point/Counterpoint: If Colin Powell were alive today, he’d be 82 years old! vs. I’m Colin Powell, and I’m not dead

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The following is a Point/Counterpoint concerning the enduring reputation of retired Army General and former Secretary of State, Colin Powell.  Amanda Cartwright, a senior at Valley Forge High School and editor of the school newspaper, will be presenting the point. Powell will be presenting the counterpoint.

Point: Colin Powell was a retired four-star Army general who served as chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff and secretary of state. He was an American hero and a true patriot. If he were still alive, today would be his 82nd birthday.

Counterpoint: My name is Colin Luther Powell. I am still alive, and my birthday is in April.

Point: It is important for us to reflect on the life and accomplishments of this great American soldier and statesman. Who knows how the world might be different if he were still with us?

Counterpoint: I am flattered to be remembered so fondly, but I would like to reiterate that I am 100 percent still alive. I did an interview with Fareed Zakaria last October.

Point: We are so sad to have lost Mr. Powell. His impact on American military doctrine and foreign policy cannot be overstated. We can only wonder how he might feel about the present state of international politics. Standing here outside of his former home, one cannot help being overwhelmed.

Counterpoint: Are you standing outside of my house right now?

Point: An accomplished statesman, Mr. Powell maintained a strong presence on the international arena and stayed active even after he left office. Once he retired, he published a best-selling autobiography and even started restoring old Volvos. Here’s one of them in the driveway.

Counterpoint: Don’t touch that Volvo. I spent six months fixing that car. I am this close to calling the police.

Point: One can almost hear the sound of his thoughtful, resolute voice echoing through the neighborhood. Let’s pause for a moment and listen.

Counterpoint: That sound is my actual voice. That is me yelling at you from my upstairs office to go away. Please go away.

Point: In closing, we should all take time to reflect on Colin Powell’s contribution to our nation. He was, without a doubt, a great American.

Counterpoint: Is a great American.

Editor’s Update: As of press-time, Colin Powell is still a great American.

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Miscellaneous

Syria totally pregnant after late US pull out

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ALLEPO, Syria – An angry and tearful Syria informed the international community today that it is most definitely pregnant, the result of a late pull-out by the U.S. after a long intercourse, sources confirmed today.

Syria’s news followed a White House announcement that as a result of an agreement with Turkey, the U.S. will withdraw military forces from Syria on a timeline being developed. Critics claim the withdrawal jeopardizes the Syrian Democratic Forces, which receive American military weapons and support.

“What bullshit. Since 2013, the U.S. was all like, ‘I really care about you,’ and ‘don’t worry I’ll be careful,’” Syria told reporters. “How was I supposed to know the U.S. would only stay in long enough to spawn a bunch of freedom fighters but pull out as soon as it got some international booty call offer from my thotty neighbor, Turkey?”

“Turkey acts like the queen bee around here because she thinks our father, the Ottoman Empire, loved her best like, 100 years ago,” Syria added. “Now thanks to her cozying up to America I’ll be left with a lot of children who are pissed off and heavily armed. And their deadbeat daddy’s initials are U.S.A.”

Foreign interventions require clear national goals, operations crafted to achieve defined objectives, and strategic considerations, according to foreign policy experts. Asked how many of these elements the US intervention in Syria included, Dr. Owen Killian at the Brookings Institution responded, “Pretty much none of them. The U.S. appears to have entered Syria with little planning about how long to stay, how to end the affair, or the impact of fucking around in the Middle East.”

“This basically shows all the forethought and follow through of a drunken frat boy,” Killian continued. “You can’t stop the biology of intervention. Disgorging forces into a country without protection almost always results in a lot of angry offspring, especially if Marines are involved.”

Syria said she regrets the affair.

“I should have seen this coming,” Syria said. “America pulled the same shit in 1984 when it withdrew from Lebanon, and that left the world with that psycho brat named Hezbollah.”

Although a contingent of French forces will remain in Syria, the American pullout raises the potential for competing powers to fill a regional power vacuum.

“Who’s going to help me raise these kids?” Syria asked. “That nut case ISIS will steal them in a Damascus minute if I turn my back. Russia and Iran are lurking around, but they’re creepy and crazy. China is always willing to send money, but that comes with a lot of strings. Only France seems to be really committed to sticking around.”

“Are you kidding me? France?” Syria added with a sigh. “Great. My kids are going to grow up to be fucking mimes.”

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Marine Corps

Troops ask to live with Mattis after divorce is finalized

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WASHINGTON — Most troops caught in the middle of a domestic dispute that resulted in their father Jim Mattis filing for divorce say they hope they can live with him after this is all over, sources confirmed today.

Mattis filed for divorce from President Donald Trump last week, citing “irreconcilable differences” that stemmed from the cancellation of vacation plans in Syria, the president’s decision to send some of the kids to border school in October, and his well-known Diet Coke drinking problem.

“I love daddy Mattis more than anything in the entire world,” said Army Spc. Nick Kester. “He reads a book to me every night, while Trump isn’t even there at bedtime.”

Although some argue Trump has been “great with the kids” and truly cares about their welfare, a number of sources have come forward to allege the president has abused the troops he supposedly loves on a number of occasions.

Sources say Trump has not once visited them while they were away at The University of Iraq and Afghanistan. Some even believe he has been cheating on their dad with National Security Advisor John Bolton, Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan, or Russian President Vladimir Putin.

Troops were also angered by his erratic behavior and tendency to teach them far different life lessons than their favored parent.

“Mattis makes us do pushups and wants our family to be more lethal,” said Marine Lt. Philip Allison. “Meanwhile, when I asked Trump whether he’d like to throw the nuclear football around, he said, ‘oh sure, kid, just give me a few minutes,’ and then never came out.”

“Last time I talked with him all he kept telling me was how I was an idiot for paying anything over a 4% tax rate,” Allison added.

The couple heads to family court on Jan. 1, 2019, where a judge is expected to divide their $2.7 trillion in assets and set up a custody arrangement many believe will favor Mattis, who plans to visit with the kids often, teach them about the bullets and the bees, and put them through college on the GI Bill.

“I absolutely plan to bring up his use of community property to buy this stupid border wall that he found on Amazon,” Mattis said.

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News

Government shutdown furloughs all 700 non-essential employees

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WASHINGTON — Seven hundred non-essential federal civil servants were furloughed and sent home when the government failed to pass a spending bill Friday night, sources confirmed today.

The other one million nine hundred ninety-nine thousand and three hundred feds remained on the job, having been previously designated as “essential.” That means their work is deemed critical to the continuity of government operations. They will work through the furlough and be paid for it.

The 2013 government shutdown shocked many agencies when they realized they were unable to perform their core functions of maintaining the Deep State, resisting Republican agendas, and ensuring that the administration’s red line in Syria was crossed as easily as is the U.S. southwest border. Since then, nearly all agencies have designated their employees as “essential.”

“There’s another core function many aren’t talking talked about — that is maintaining or increasing budgets in consecutive fiscal years,” A.Z. Kizzer, a congressional staffer who has served in seventeen consecutive administrations, said. “That is the core competency by which most agencies rate themselves and also the tool used to hand out end-of-year bonuses, which everyone who isn’t furloughed is going to get. Screw those non-essential low-lifes.”

Jimmy “Jimmy John” Kirkens, a furloughed technician at the Yucca Mountain Waste Depository who monitors radiation levels, thinks differently.

“I’m furloughed while the cooks at the cafeteria and the senior executive service leaders are deemed mission essential,” he said. “It’s going to suck to be them if the rems or sieverts go sky-high. The cafeteria’s famous ‘Roentgen Burger’ will really be see-though this time.”

But Kizzer argues that the work of people who define feed-lot silage standards, counting lima bean yields by state and county, or who conduct congressional delegation visits to California or Hawaii in the winter — as well as federal employees who fuck lobbyists just to influence or be influenced by them — means that most every federal agency has the resilience to survive a shutdown.

“We taxpayers should be thanking them on bended knee,” he said.

Kizzer contends that from the Department of Oh-God-Another-Never-Ending-War-We-Have-to-Fight to the National Toothpick Standards Bureau, and to the Crack in America agency, citizens can relax, knowing that the federal government essentially hasn’t shut down at all.

“Not that they’d notice anyway,” Kirkens countered

According to government sources, the American public understands that the more they know about what a shutdown really means, the more they understand how well-protected are their freedoms of speech and religion and how safe they are while picking their teeth — even if their government seems to have disappeared.

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Marine Corps

Retired Marine General John Kelly relieves White House Chief of Staff John Kelly of duty

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WASHINGTON — Retired Marine Gen. John F. Kelly was relieved to relieve White House Chief of Staff John Kelly of duty, sources confirmed today.

Kelly will depart by the end of the year.

Kelly, who in the past honorably served as a Marine and was also the Department of Homeland Security Secretary for a couple of weeks or whatever before moving to the White House, informed the chief of his relief to the relief of the chief, while standing in front of a mirror in the West Wing.

Trump chose some guy named Mick Mulvaney, who is the head of the Office of Budget and Management, to replace Kelly. Mulvaney is reportedly a pay-to-play Republican — a much better fit for Trump than the somewhat morally-upstanding Kelly — who once said, “If you are a lobbyist who never gave us money, I did not talk to you. If you are a lobbyist who gave us money, I might talk to you.”

Reports of Kelly being forced to leave his suit jacket behind — as happened to previous Trump aide John McEntee — were dismissed.

“He dropped it like a hot potato,” said A.Z. Kizzer, a White House staffer who has served in 17 administrations as a card-carrying member of the Deep State. Kizzer added that not only did Kelly throw down his jacket, he also set fire to it with a military-grade flamethrower while yelling, “Moto T-shirts from now on! Veteran-owned, American-proud!”

Kelly joins a host of Trump administration departures who reportedly gave the one-finger salute to the president’s awesome hair while asserting that “happiness is the White House in your rear view mirror,” to paraphrase a legendary country song. It’s been reported that Kelly no longer talks to the president, and that he was perturbed by having to be interviewed by special counsel Robert Mueller’s team regarding unspecified obstructions of justice by the Administration.

Army Lt. Gen. H. R. McMaster, the national security advisor who departed his position last April, was supportive.

“I was replaced by the mustache of John Bolton, so I see no problem with John being replaced by whatever jetsam floats down Pennsylvania Ave.,” said McMaster. “These days, anyone can get a job at the White House, what with all the vacancies because of, you know, subpoenas and jail terms.”

Kelly reportedly wrote an email regarding his departure to fellow Marine and Defense Secretary James Mattis.

“I’ve been sleeping with my DD-214 printed woobie for months,” he wrote. “I’m tired. But old woobies never die, they just fade away. And I’m just like that faded woobie, fading away from the shame I suffered working so long for President Prick and his cadre of law-breaking priquettes.”

Later, Kelly continued denying that he ever called Trump an idiot. Smiling directly at reporters and cameramen, he snapped two fingers and added, “But you never asked if I called him a a whack-doodle, a fourth-grade lunch-stealer, a pathological liar, or a scumbag serial adulterer. Sucks to be a bunch of 27-year old know-nothing journalists.”

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