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Some California incumbents lagging in fundraising: report

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Politics

Bolton cites his avoiding war in Vietnam amid criticism that he’s pro-war

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Ambassador John Bolton

WASHINGTON, D.C. — National Security Advisor John Bolton on Wednesday cited his avoidance of going to war in Vietnam in response to criticism that he is a warmonger intent on starting military campaigns in Venezuela, Iran, and over 100 other countries, sources confirmed today.

“If I like war as much as you all say I do, wouldn’t I have jumped at the chance to take part in one, instead of joining the reserves to avoid being deployed?” Bolton challenged reporters during a press conference on Tuesday.

Bolton went on to reference his distinguished record of not going to war, sources said. He presented reporters with a copy of his Yale 25th Reunion Book, in which he wrote that he avoided service in Vietnam because he “had no desire to die in a Southeast Asian rice paddy.”

However, Bolton was quick to clarify that comment had nothing to do with his feelings about other people dying in a Middle Eastern desert.

“I absolutely hate war. War is a last resort, which is why I am calling on the Venezuelan and Iranian regimes to change their tune or we will bomb them back to the stone age.”

“We, meaning, other people of course,” Bolton clarified. He also told reporters that he only wanted to start wars with 87 countries as well as the headquarters of the United Nations — a far cry from the 100 possible military campaigns he’s reportedly been planning since elementary school.

President Donald Trump made a surprise appearance during Bolton’s press conference and made a brief statement. This display of unity was meant to counter reports that the two men had butted heads over whether to manufacture a justification for invading Iran or to dispatch with pretenses and just send it.

“John and I are very good friends. He’s a very fine friend of mine. We’re Vietnam-Era friends, actually,” Trump said. “But let’s not forget that no one dodges the draft as well as I do. Everyone tells me I’m the best, really, at that sort of thing.”

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Navy

Sailors walking into strip club reminded to ‘clap like Mike Pence is speaking’

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mike pence

SAN DIEGO, Calif. — A group of sailors preparing to enter the Rear Admiral Gentleman’s Club were reminded by Command Master Chief Petty Officer Michael Tubbins on Saturday evening to “clap like Mike Pence is speaking,” — referencing the primal sexual energy typically elicited by the vice president’s remarks, sources confirmed today.

The sailors, who varied in age, rank, and number of vice presidential addresses attended, appreciated the reminder, according to defense officials.

“Obviously, we’ve all attended a few speeches by the vice president, usually while on temporary duty away from our home station” stated Petty Officer 3rd Class Jason Smith.

“Heck, we all know that one junior sailor new to the fleet who marries the first Mike Pence speechwriter he meets. But we’re young, horny sailors so being in a strip club was a new experience for us and the Master Chief’s advice for how to act was invaluable.”

“These kids aren’t dumb. They know if there is one thing you do in a strip club it’s clap but it’s usually more reserved like when a movie ends or when your plane lands safely,” Master Chief Tubbins told reporters.

“But when a young lady in six inch glass heels and a G-string with several C-section scars takes her top off that’s not time to just be polite, you need to really help her feel welcome.”

Sources confirmed that the entire group of sailors responded in kind and expressed enthusiasm that was more than worthy of a Mike Pence address.

“I do this job for the applause so I’m always hoping it’ll be loud but from the second I stepped out there I was like whoa, is the vice president here? This is crazy,” said DyNasti, a dancer at Rear Admiral. “And when the DJ started spinning Hail to the Chief, I knew I had to work that pole the way Mr. Pence works that podium.”

Tubbins, who was present for the Pence’s “ISIS is defeated(-ish)” speech in January, expressed pride in his sailors’ effort but says it still cannot compare to the atmosphere of a real Mike Pence speech.

“Friday night had more boobs than a typical speech by the vice president but no VIP room will ever match the raw energy, intensity, and emotion of a Pence original.”

At press time, Command Master Chief Tubbins had been asked to resign from the Navy for daring to imply that sailors would bring the type of enthusiasm exhibited in a vice presidential address into a titty bar. Additionally, Petty Officer 3rd Class Smith and Dynasti are now married and expecting their first child together.

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Army

Newly promoted Colonel Dole immediately flagged as non-deployable

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Washington, D.C. — Newly promoted Col. Bob Dole has been immediately flagged as non-deployable following a review of his official personnel file, a spokesperson from Human Resources Command confirmed today.

This action comes on the heels of legislation, co-sponsored by Viagra manufacturer Pfizer, promoting the former senator and presidential candidate.

“We really appreciated the assistance from Pfizer in getting this recognition for Kansas’s favorite son,” reported Sen. Jerry Moran (R-Kan.) “The support that they gave my staff was just incredible.”

Headquarters Company Commander for the National Capital Region Capt. Jared Wyman expressed dismay at receiving yet another senior officer who is below standards in every category of medical readiness and fails to meet pretty much every other annual training requirement.

“Usually, we get guys who haven’t been to the range for a while or are a few years behind on anti-terrorism level one training, but this is ridiculous,” said Wyman. “Where has this guy been for the last 15 years? I asked him to upload his SAMS graduation info, and he faxed me a copy of his Sam’s Club membership card.”

“At least he’s already got the new Army greens,” Wyman added.

Dole was spotted shopping at the Fort Myer Military Clothing and Sales, searching in vain for service ribbons for his numerous awards, including the Presidential Medal of Freedom and Congressional Gold Medal. He seemed irritated and confused about having to update his uniform along with his defense travel system profile.

“I don’t deserve it, but I’ll take it” said Dole when asked about the promotion. “But I’m not doing any of this online training crap.”

Dole said he understands the importance of being ready to deploy but doesn’t see the merit of learning survival skills from the internet.

“I told that Wyman kid that I already know how to use a TARP. Colonel Dole has better things to do than listen to a computer tell him how to tie down a damn canvas,” he said.

President Donald Trump was reportedly thrilled to have the promotion bill come across his desk and expressed hope that signing would guarantee an invitation to at least one prominent funeral this year.

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News

Congress sets voting, gun ownership, drinking and enlistment age at sixteen

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A sixteen-year-old Marine Corps recruit carries a pistol and ten miniatures of vodka during a combat fitness test at Camp Pendleton, Calif. (Source: DVIDS)

WASHINGTON — Politicians celebrated after Congress voted today to lower the age a person can join the military, own a weapon, and drink thirty cans of Keystone Light before staggering to a voting booth.

The new cutoff is sixteen, allowing wasted high-school sophomores to participate in and die for American democracy.

“Just imagine the thrill of a sixteen year-old teenage person who is now an adult participating in our wonderful Democratic Party — err, our democratic voting process,” said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.).

Democratic presidential candidate Robert “Beto” O’Rourke (D-Nothing) quickly agreed.

“I believe that when adults previously known as minors are allowed to vote, then they should be able to get hammered at sixteen,” he said, “like I totally did with my boarder friends and my punk band and my hacker friends. Did you know I was in a punk band? Could you let these new adult voters know how cool that was?”

“I support gun ownership and have always recommended firing a shotgun through the door,” said Joseph Biden (D–Swimming Nude), while groping tweeners at a campaign rally/sex den. “And so should these remarkable girls, who will soon be allowed to see my door and fire on me, baby.”

Finally, pacifist and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton delighted the nation when she noted that military service goes hand in hand with firing guns.

“I believe that the younger the soldier, the greater the chance for them to die for my — I mean our — sometimes psychotic agendas,” she told reporters. “If only we had drunk, voting sixteen-year-old enlistees in my time, then we would have killed Gaddafi — for no good reason — even sooner than I wanted.”

At press time, few sixteen year olds were reported to have joined the military, purchased a gun or registered to vote. However, liquor stores across the nation were reported to be overwhelmed by teens looking for sugary, alcohol-based drinks with a fruity taste and a caffeine kick.

“I’m mixing Rip-It with everclear before I report to the Corps,” said one new recruit. “That’s what my vetbro daddy recommended.”

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News

Opinion: Hey wait, no one ever thanked me for John McCain’s service either

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veteran

By a concerned, underappreciated American citizen

It has been 208 days since Sen. John McCain died and enough is enough. The reaction over the past few days by the “lame stream” media over comments President Donald Trump made regarding McCain are a constant, painful reminder that I have not yet been thanked for John McCain’s service either.

You might be asking yourself why I feel entitled to a thank you. Did I know McCain, or do my accomplishments in any way mirror his own?

I’m going to stop you right there and tell you no. And not just no but no and you’re asking the wrong (stupid) questions. The important questions, the ones you should be asking, are am I aware of McCain’s accomplishments and do I like thank yous to which I will answer sort of and absolutely.

Sure, I wasn’t in Vietnam when McCain was shot down or when he was tortured for five years or when he refused early release to keep faith with his fellow POWs. But I have news for you: lots of people weren’t there when that happened. Some of us weren’t even born yet. Some were never called to serve, and others didn’t really feel like going. Does that somehow make us less deserving of praise?

I also did not receive either an invite or a thank you for McCain’s funeral. While I wasn’t directly involved in the planning or execution of said funeral, I was generally aware of it. Also, and I can’t stress this enough, I love it when people thank me for stuff, especially when those thank yous are heartfelt, genuine, and unrelated to any of my words or actions.

It is for those reasons and more that I stand with the president and demand a thank you from the McCain family. They lost a husband, father, mentor, and friend on one day in August. I’ve had to live without completely undeserved praise for 200 something days since and counting. Do the right thing.

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News

Trump affirms support for troops so long as they don’t get captured, tortured, elected senator, killed by brain cancer

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PITTSBURGH — President Donald Trump reaffirmed his unwavering support for the troops who have not been captured, tortured, elected senator, or killed by brain cancer, in a speech today.

“I love America and all true Americans,” Trump said, speaking to a group of civilian workers at a munitions plant in Pennsylvania. “But serving your country honorably in the military, withstanding years of torture, serving the nation in Congress, and especially dying of brain cancer, aren’t what makes someone a true American.”

The president further clarified that his comments were not referring to anyone specifically and definitely were not related to that one time “someone” disagreed with him on policy or the time that same “someone” didn’t invite him to his stupid funeral that was probably lame and sad anyway.

From there Trump launched into a list of accusations regarding former Sen. John McCain, which aides have clarified was completely unrelated to his previous remarks. The accusations included that the deceased senator pushed for the Pearl Harbor bombing, tried to give Arizona to Pancho Villa, and is Michael Cohen’s biological father.

The president ended his speech by asking the crowd if there were any veterans present. When several raised their hands, he thanked them for their service and told them they were welcome for his before pausing only briefly to have one attendee with a POW patch escorted out of the building.

The McCain family has since issued a statement condemning Trump’s remarks but acknowledging they may be part of the commander in chief’s grieving process.

“When he sent flowers to John’s funeral that said ‘Boom, roasted’ we weren’t sure how to feel about it,” said Cindy McCain. “Some people deal with loss in hurtful, unnecessary ways, and I guess this is one of them.”

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News

Trump enjoyed Vietnam trip, unsure why McCain complained so much

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HANOI, Vietnam —President Donald Trump had a great time on his trip to Vietnam, and is confused as to why former Sen. John McCain had always made the country seem like some type of hell, sources confirmed today.

Trump made the trip to Hanoi for a summit with North Korean leader Kim Jong Un where the two met for talks about denuclearizing the Korean peninsula. Trump seemed especially impressed with the Vietnam countryside and discreet opportunities with the local female populace, according to sources.

“John was always going on and on about ‘Vietnam this’ and ‘torture that.’ I think it’s pretty nice here, actually,” Trump told reporters at a press conference.

“I believe I stayed at the same Hilton he did, but everyone there was very nice to me. Very nice people in Vietnam. The best people, really. John must not have had good interpersonal skills,” said Trump in reference to the now-deceased McCain who spent five years as a prisoner after his plane was shot down during the Vietnam War.

As is traditional in Vietnamese culture, Trump was feted on his last night in country with a feast of pho, chicken curry, fried fish, and sweet mung bean pudding. The president, whose BMI is currently in the obese range, was visibly delighted with the meal, and he walked away from the table with a newfound respect for McCain.

“John lost over 50 pounds while he was there,” Trump remarked to an aide. “With food this good, I can’t imagine the type of willpower that must’ve taken!”

Before returning to Washington, Trump took a guided driving tour of the farmland outside Hanoi.

“If I’d known how beautiful the Vietnamese countryside was, I never would’ve spent so much money dodging the draft,” Trump said. “What a senseless waste. Sad!”

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News

Bowser withdraws airships from World 7 despite plumber victories

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MUSHROOM KINGDOM – King Bowser plans to withdraw his airship fleet from World 7 after plumbers Mario and Luigi delivered the koopa king numerous setbacks, sources confirmed today.

“We’ve won victory after victory, from Bob-omb battlefield to the Donut Plains, all the way to Yoshi’s Island. This war has been going on since 1985, and it’s time to bring our brave koopa-troopas home,” Bowser said in a press statement aboard his flying clown car, a massive “Mission Accomplished” banner unfurled behind him.

Despite Bowser’s statements, his top generals insist that they were never consulted on the exit strategy.

“We’ve invested a lot of power-ups into this fight, and the plumbers are still out there,” commented World 7’s boss, Ludwig von Koopa, “I just think it’s a shame to leave our goomba allies to fight this war alone.”

Ludwig and the rest of the Koopa Kids were unceremoniously and permanently replaced after stating their dissent. Yet it appears that many veterans of those levels agree with the brass, claiming that it would be better to dig in and finish the job rather than to prematurely uproot the campaign and halt the forward momentum.

“We lost a lot of good koopas securing the Cheep-Cheep Bridge,” said a para-troopa of the World 8-2 Green Shell Airborne Division, “Hollywood … he didn’t make it. Just walked right over a platform edge during the jump. Shell shock, I guess.”

The military withdrawal has met some unexpected hostility from the Mushroom Kingdom’s more left-leaning denizens. The Blue Toads, who have traditionally opposed military aggression, cannot bring themselves to agree with Bowser under any circumstances. Reports indicate that they have occupied Princess Peach’s castle in protest, demanding free 1-ups for all and forceful redistribution of coins to those “unable or unwilling” to smash blocks. Fortunately, the princess was in another castle.

At press, the plumbers reoccupied World 7 by flying over the entire level in a tanooki suit during a record-shattering speedrun. Bowser plans to relocate his forces back into the region following the release of the next game.

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