WASHINGTON — Continuing his trend of pulling the United States out of longstanding agreements, President Donald Trump today signed an executive order officially pulling the US out of the Treaty of Versailles “just in case,” Duffel Blog has learned.
“As of today,” Trump said in a statement, “America will no longer participate in the draconian and economically harmful stipulations of the Treaty of Versailles — which is really close to Paris, by the way, it’s like a suburb — and will instead focus on what really won the first world war: coal.”
The six remaining coal miners in the United States were seen high-fiving each other in the audience.
“I’m kind of an authority on pulling out. Very good at it. The best,” Trump continued. “The nations that are asking us to stay in the treaty are the same nations that collectively cost America trillions of dollars in stopping world domination. You see what’s happening. You see. And besides, the Germans never invaded Pittsburgh.”
The Pittsburgh mayor responded by explaining that Pennsylvania has the largest concentration of German-Americans in the United States, though he conceded it “wasn’t technically an invasion.”
The European Union seemed confused at how to react to the dissolution of America’s role in a treaty nearly a century after it’s adoption. Although there were other signatories, all parties seemed pretty clear on the point that America was, as usual, the only one that mattered.
“Well, I guess we’ll go back to war?” Angela Merkel, chancellor of Germany, said in a press conference. A confused motley of German army representatives stood behind her, holding Gewehr 98 rifles and attempting to attach spikes to their helmets. In concluding the conference, Merkel confirmed the German national lack of a sense of humor by cracking her knuckles and saying, “We have Somme unfinished business.”
The rest of Europe had mixed reactions. Serbia responded by attempting to kill an archduke, but was ultimately unable to find anyone who still held the antiquated title. Ultimately they settled for having Novak Djokovic win Wimbledon again, which, according to Serbian president Aleksandar Vucic, was “just fine.”
France immediately issued a declaration of surrender.
As for what’s next for the United States, Trump briefly alluded to dissolving any other agreements that happened in or near Paris, followed by possibly abolishing Paris itself.
“I don’t know if that’s a thing,” President Trump said, “but I think it’s a thing. If it isn’t, it should be a thing. Give me a week and I’ll make it a thing — it’ll be tremendous.”