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Veterans who say they ‘miss the war’ remind neighbors to not use fireworks

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TRACY, Calif. — A pair of military heroes are leading the effort to stop their neighbors from lighting fireworks, sources say.

“You know, we went over there and did awesome operator things for your freedom, but we just want to ask that you respect our sacrifice by not exercising that freedom,” said former Army Sgt. Joshua Taylor. “And if you do, you’re a disrespectful little shit.”

Taylor’s best friend Matt Zimmerman echoed his thoughts.

“It’s really hard, you know,” he told a group of neighbors. “I went to war, which I talk about and miss every single day because of all the cool shit I did, but I hate it that for one single day back home, other people remind me about it.”

According to sources, Taylor and Zimmerman recently went to a local town hall dressed to impress, wearing t-shirts emblazoned with slogans like “kNOw guns kNOw peace” and “Don’t tread on me” to let people know they served, before making an impassioned plea to the locals: Please stop making loud, scary noises.

The request seems to have resonated with locals, according to some residents.

“I never really thought about it that way before,” said one town hall attendee. “It’s bad enough these guys have a disability rating from the VA for hearing loss. That was the first thing they told me, and I could never deal with that every day.”

Before leaving, the two friends reminded the crowd that the state of California prohibits use of all aerial fireworks and high explosives except by licensed pyrotechnic operators. If neighbors can’t even follow the law, Taylor said, they risk “running afoul of our locked and loaded AR-15s.”

“We’re itching to pull those babies out,” said Taylor. “We miss war every damn day. It would be a shame if we accidentally thought there were terrorists out in the streets.”

Miscellaneous

Americans commemorate D-Day by calling people they disagree with Nazis

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Eisenhower in a car at the NYC tickertape parade
Gen. Dwight Eisenhower, who commanded the Army in Europe and organized the D-Day landings. He later became president and, obviously, a Nazi.

OTTUMWA, Iowa— Yesterday, America observed the 75th anniversary of D-Day. Some spent the day with local World War II veterans. Others visited military cemeteries to honor those who made the ultimate sacrifice. But all Americans held fast to the central tenet of the day and our nation as a whole: calling people we disagree with Nazis.

The tradition first began in Berlin, at the Reichstag in 1933. Legend has it that when President Paul von Hindenburg appointed Adolf Hitler Chancellor of Germany, a member of parliament remarked, “Are you kidding me? That guy is literally a Nazi.” Since then, the term has morphed to include liberals, conservatives, and the civilians who work at CIF.

Local veteran and Benghazi fetish role player Rob Jackson enjoyed his D-Day immensely. Jackson is bedridden, having become morbidly obese after the Marine Corps administratively separated him for going UA to avoid an Afghan deployment. This doesn’t stop him from wearing a red USMC piss cover decorated with badges from wars fought before he was born or celebrating D-Day.

“I spent June 6th like any other day: woke up at 11, ate some Cheetos, and then spent 14 hours correcting uniform discrepancies on Facebook,” Jackson said. “I came across a fellow veteran who voted for Hillary, and I told that Nazi turd exactly what he’s done to my beloved Corps.”

Harvard sophomore Theo Humboldt (preferred pronouns: he, him, his) of Antwerp, Michigan, had been planning his D-Day for months.

“My cis-het white male grandfather participated in the colonial violence of June 6th,” Humboldt said. “And, I just found out he voted for Trump. I finally got to tell him off yesterday. He’s, like, literally a Nazi.”

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Soldier travels back in time to prevent his own wedding

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FORT HOOD, Texas—Sgt. Freddy Heflin, 1st Battalion, 9th Cavalry Regiment (“Head Hunters”), and his bride-to-be, Miss Adrienne Pickens, of the Pickens family from Cut and Shoot, Texas, were flummoxed on Saturday when their wedding was interrupted by an intruder calling himself “Freddy from the future,” witnesses say.

According to a specialist who was acting as ring bearer, just as minister Rev. Jack Carter of the Second Baptist Church of Huntsville asked the assembly if there were any objections to the union, a bright flash lit the Comanche Chapel and a man appeared, screaming for the proceedings to halt. Witnesses say he resembled Heflin, although approximately ten years older and with “crazy eyes.”

The man dashed up onto the dais, tastefully appointed by Miss Pickens with teal and pink primroses at great cost to her father, and yanked the groom’s hand away from the bride’s.

“Don’t do it!” he yelled. “Freddy, it’s me! You—I mean, it’s us! I worked so hard to travel back in time to tell you! Do not marry this woman!”

Best man Sgt. Barney Ross attempted at that point to eject the intruder, but Heflin stopped him.

“Wait,” Heflin said. “Let him speak.”

“She takes everything from us!” the man continued, pointing at Pickens. “She makes you stop playing video games—I wasn’t even allowed to get the Xbox Infinity, so I can’t play Halo 9 or PlayerUnknown’s Sex Battle! She never wants to have sex but won’t speak to me for days if she catches me jerking off or watching porn.”

Witness say Future Heflin spoke quickly, telling Heflin, “I can’t go out with the guys every once in awhile, but she has ‘book club’ once a week, which is really just an excuse for her and her friends to gripe about their husbands and drink shitty wine. I can’t watch football anymore, she made me throw out my comic books, and she makes fun of me whenever I watch Firefly.

“Oh yeah,” Future Heflin added, “they renew Firefly.” He and Current Heflin then high-fived.

“This is an outrage!” Pickens cried. “Get this insane person out of here!”

“It gets worse,” said Future Heflin. “She cheats on you. She refuses to let you discipline our children—they were obese by the time they hit kindergarten. And speaking of weight, she’s going to gain 80 pounds in the next five years. Eighty. You think this is the real Adrienne? Last year she got double bronchial pneumonia and almost died. She was in the hospital and lost half her body weight. I didn’t realize it—you don’t realize it—but think about it: We’ve never seen pictures of her from high school.

“Have you been spying on us?” yelled Mr. Pickens at that point, rising to his feet. “Somebody call the cops. Reverend, please do something!”

“Want proof that I’m from the future?” Future Heflin continued. He pointed at Sergeant Ross. “She fucked your best friend. Not two weeks ago. It was when you had that fight over the groom’s cake, when she said it was childish to have a Dallas Cowboys cake. Remember that?”

The groom’s aunt reports that at this point, Ross hung his head, and said, “I’m sorry, Fred. She came over to ask my advice and brought a bunch of wine, and the next thing you know we’re both drunk and then she pushed me down on that Dinosaucers bedspread I have and pulled my pants down …”

Future Heflin reportedly also described a future war in Ukraine. “When you get back from your second Ukraine deployment in 2027—that’s right, I said second—she will empty your bank account, leave the kids with your mom, and be off in San Juan de Allende with Ray Breslin, her boyfriend from tenth grade,” he said, according to witness. “Who I almost feel sorry for, by the way, because she slowly made him throw out all his favorite things, too. I’m telling you. Walk out of here right now and don’t look back. Save the future: Dump this bitch.”

The witnesses added that “the weirdness didn’t stop there.”

The chapel apparently was lit by a second flash of light, and an obese woman appeared, wearing an “Army Wife—Hardest Job In The Army” t-shirt, blue leopard-print yoga pants, and flip flops, shrieking like a harpy.

“Fred!” she allegedly screamed. “What are you telling them? Don’t listen to him! He’s a liar! I only sucked Ross off because he made me drink a bunch of my favorite wine, which I only bought on the way to his place because it was on sale. We didn’t even really have real, actual, sex, only for like 20 or 30 minutes. And the kids are fine, lots of eight-year-olds weigh 220 pounds. Just do a Google Image search!”

“Oh, Christ,” Future Heflin said. He turned to Pickens. “This is who you become. You happy now?”

“Oh my fucking sweet Lord,” exclaimed Current Heflin.

Maid of honor Chelsea Houston denied reports that she muttered “Wow, Adrienne, she looks just like your senior pictures, but, like, plus-20 years” at this point.

“Listen, buddy, I’m not pissed at you if this is who she was all along,” Current Heflin said to Ross. Witnesses agree that at this point, Heflin turned to the groom side of the Chapel and said, “Well, there’s still a conference center out in Belton with a shitload of finger foods and booze. Who wants to get the hell out of here?”

“Baby, no! This is all some kind of lie! This isn’t who I become! I love you!” Pickens allegedly cried tearfully.

“I make you into a better person, not a childish moron, and this is how you thank me?” Future Pickens yelled.

Current Heflin, Future Heflin, and guests then departed the chapel, leaving the bridal party and her family in what some called “stunned silence.”

Neither family agreed to comment on the record.

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Miscellaneous

Nation honors fallen soldiers by creating more of them

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WASHINGTON—Remembering the fallen on Memorial Day is a time-honored tradition of ceremonies, barbecues, and a day off for most American workers and schoolchildren. But many are feeling that the holiday might be losing steam, and that has some officials worried that Memorial Day will lose its meaning for many Americans.

Some say dragging on dwindling wars with no clear exit strategy isn’t enough to support the troops. Statistics show that many Americans aren’t even aware that the country is still technically at war in the Middle East, so experts think that it’s time to engage in another major conflict.

“There are a lot of places to fight wars,” President Donald Trump said. “Great places. The best places. It’s hard to pick one, trust me, I know. So the idea is to just sort of throw spaghetti at the wall and see what sticks, you know? I’ve been working my way through the alphabet, threatening countries over Twitter, to see which one is the best fit for us to send soldiers to die. I started with North Korea, and, you know, that didn’t really shake out, but now I think I’ve got something with Iran. I heard they have WMD.”

“You can really milk it by making the parameters of the conflict unwinnable,” acting Secretary of Defense Patrick Michael Shanahan told reporters. “We came up with the idea of nation-building years ago and that’s been working really well for us in terms of synergizing respect for the troops with the violent end of many of them.”

He added, “When is a nation really ‘built’ anyway? Thanks, Rumsfeld!”

Veterans Affairs Administrator Robert Wilkie shares Shanahan’s concerns.

“In our numerous interviews of combat soldiers’ post-service experience, one of the greatest complaints was a general feeling of loneliness, an inability to fit in with the greater society,” Wilkie says. “Extrapolation and a little bit of metaphysics tells that, well, soldiers, sailors, airmen, and marines that have passed on must be lonely, too. It can’t all be a party beyond those pearly gates. So let’s support the troops.”

War in the Middle East isn’t the way to honor fallen soldiers by creating more of them. In fact, some of the best ideas are happening at home in the United States. Domestic strategies for honoring the troops by killing them run a gamut from innovative medical failures to simply supporting veteran homelessness through systemic inaction and public disinterest.

“We’re making great strides on the home front,” says Wilkie. “The feedback surveys at VA hospitals speak for themselves. People ride our asses for not taking care of the troops once they come home, but the media fails to see the second and third order effects, as usual.

Wilkie notes that Memorial Day is what it is today in part thanks to soldiers dying while waiting for care, or suffering fatal, traumatic brain injury while in resident care programs.

“Hell,” Wilkie adds, “just that first part alone saw more Memorial Day contributions of souls than the casualty count for World War I!”

He slapped his knee and laughed. “I‘d say that’s a success.”

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Miscellaneous

Pearl Harbor survivor unhappy with Mitsubishi Memorial Day sale

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HONOLULU, Hawaii — Local World War II veteran Johnny Thompson is unhappy with the nature of the this past weekend’s sale at his local Mitsubishi dealership in honor of Memorial Day.

“I get this sinking feeling when it comes to commercialism that takes advantage of a day to honor our fallen brothers in arms,” Thompson told reporters. “It’s like they are trying to torpedo their American competition.”

“Honestly, this whole event snuck up on me,” he added.

The “Zero down, zero interest for 24 months, and no payments for six months” promotion was a surprise event for local consumers, despite the fact that the dealership is known for its tagline of “Deals! Deals! Deals!” According to Ken Yamamoto, General Sales Manager at Tora Tora Mitsubishi, the offer began at 7:53 AM on Sunday but only lasted for a little under two hours. The company’s sister dealerships in the Philippines, Guam, and Wake Island offered a similar promotion starting ten hours later.

“Our competition there never saw it coming, despite the fact that our sales blitz was all over AFN,” Yamamoto added.

Thompson believes that the problem may just be cultural differences. “Why can’t Mitsubishi just leave and make room for decent manufacturers like Mercedes and BMW?” he asked. 

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Duffel Blog Presents: Space Force field tips for lunar transport shuttle

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CAMP ARMSTRONG, The Moon – Countless back-and-forth shuttle convoys have become the norm as troopers take on the herculean task of standing up the first Space Force moon base. To better prepare future space troopers, pioneers from the First Brigade Space Combat Team (1BSCT) have offered their valuable observations and tips on their workhorse transport shuttle.

Meet the S1078 Lunar Military Transport Vehicle (SLMTV):

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Many aspects of the SLMTV should be familiar to anyone with prior military experience. The similarities were designed to ensure that enlisted troopers with a traditional diver’s license could become certified with minimal training. While the SLMTV appears to only have minor cosmetic differences compared to the terrestrial variant, there are some major upgrades:

– AM/FM radio with compact disc player (10-second skip protection)

– Hybrid electrogravitic/space diesel engine technology

– Dual climate control (cabin only; rear has two settings—95°F or 45°F)

– Tractor beam winch and trailer hitch

– Auto-extending, rear loading ramp

– Interior, artificial gravity system

Notes from the field: Initially, the auto-extending loading ramp appeared to eliminate the injury risk from personnel climbing into or jumping out of a tall shuttle bed. When wearing spacesuits, however, the ramp is too narrow and troopers are just as likely to injure their ankles with a slip. Additionally, there’s no way to deactivate the auto-extending ramp, even in space, which poses a bigger hazard if floating troopers exit at the wrong angle.

Another issue brought up by 1BCT troopers is the artificial gravity system. The exterior, Boeing-designed sensors are prone to malfunction. An object impact to a thruster from any space debris larger than a potato (or a jettisoned, urine-filled Gatorade bottle in one case) can cause a sudden gravitational reversal which is the equivalent of a vehicle rollover.

In times of emergency, troopers have also observed that regular diesel fuel works exactly the same as the exponentially more expensive space diesel. Some even claim that regular diesel actually improves SLMTV performance.

Space Force troopers signing equipment hand receipts are advised to be diligent with accountability since SLMTV basic issue items (BII) carry a larger sticker price than the BII of Earth-bound vehicles.

To prevent theft, many units have spray painted their colors and stenciled their vehicle numbers onto their BII. In the event BII goes missing, units can simply “field procure” items from a nearby shuttlepool and re-paint/re-stencil as required.

Special thanks for artwork by Drew Rocker

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Miscellaneous

Opinion: If you call your spouse Household 6, I get to call your divorce a change of command

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By: Sgt Daniel Marks

Look, I get it. You love the Army and you want to bring everything about it into your daily life. I’ve been there. When I was in high school I got way into “Trainspotting” and started calling my friends “mates.” I was like 14, but whatever, I’m not here to judge. What I’m saying is we all do stupid stuff we aren’t proud of later.

So if you want to call your wife Household 6 you go right ahead. If you want to talk about needing to check “the training schedule” when someone asks you what you’re doing this weekend or discuss an “exfil plan” from the bar, that’s your prerogative. I won’t even call you a douchebag for it. At least not loud enough that you can hear me.

But you need to know that the use of military lingo doesn’t end when the good times in your marriage do. You need to know that if you call your spouse Household 6, I get to call your divorce a change of command.

Not only that, but I am going to ask you questions like whether she’s “already checking out a new unit” or “hopped on some Rear-D while you were deployed” or even if I can get a video of her doing some “partner assisted PT.” It’s only logical for me to deal with your loss by throwing something you did that annoyed me back in your face, and the commander of your household leaving the scene is a perfect opportunity. So I’ll ask you these things and more because the opportunities are pretty much endless no matter the reason you and your significant other elected to cut slingload on holy matrimony.

And let’s be honest, the first time I ask you if she used to be a drill sergeant because I hear she’s been smoking privates, you’re going to get mad. That’s natural. But I hope you can appreciate the fact that I put up with you and your slang equivalent of a high and tight by telling me you “take all commands from the tower” when talking about your wife.

Also, don’t be surprised if I insist on treating your divorce like an actual change of command ceremony. If I know the time and place you’re getting this done, you had better believe I’ll print out programs, and that I’m going to be there in uniform, with the guidon, 30 minutes early. And you absolutely need to be aware that I’ll be expecting to hear a speech, eat some Costco sheet cake, and get released for the rest of the day.

I’m not trying to be unreasonable. I won’t insist we sing the “Army Song” together to close out the ceremony. I just want to make sure we understand each other before you come at me all angry because I’m asking who your little fire team of kids is going to live with now.

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Miscellaneous

ISIS bride launches bath bomb business on Etsy

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AL-HOUL CAMP, Syria – ISIS bride Hoda Muthana is fighting to return from Syria the old fashioned American way — by running her own business until she can afford the airfare home.

“I’ve always had this innate, entrepreneurial drive,” said Muthana. “That’s why I created my own line of bath bombs and started a business on Etsy.”

Hoda’s bath bombs had an immediate sales spike after launch. Her top sellers: Inshavanilla, 72 Virgin Bubbles, and Rosy Ménage Fàtwa. Despite the mostly positive reviews, some buyers weren’t satisfied.

“These are without a doubt the worst batch of bombs I’ve ever purchased,” said ISIS fighter, Mo Deaver, who planted a dozen ‘Fresh Car Blast’ bath bombs in the battlefield. “Not a single one went off — not one. Absolute rubbish.”

At the National Ground Intelligence Center in Virginia, Army Lt. Col. Brian Curry has been overseeing a team of foreign technology experts as they scramble to understand the new rainbow-colored threats that have been popping up.

“We haven’t yet determined the exact composition of the recovered samples, but we did have a recent breakthrough,” said Curry. “A lieutenant accidentally spilled some water on one, which triggered a chemical reaction and an offensively fruity odor. The LT has since been quarantined until the long term affects can be assessed.”

The decision to work and save money wasn’t entirely Hoda’s choice but complications surfaced after she discovered that America was less than supportive of her decision to join a foreign terrorist organization committed to destroying the United States.

“I don’t think the U.S. is going to hook me up with a free ticket.” Hoda shook her head. “But hey, on the bright side I’m becoming more independent. When I fly back to Alabama, it’ll be on my own terms. Roll tide!”

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Miscellaneous

ISIS leader has volunteers for suicide bombings but no one will read his screenplay

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HAJIN, Syria – In the last 6 years, ISIS leader Abu Omar al-Baghdadi has called for jihad, death to westerners, and martyrdom, but al-Baghdadi now faces his most ambition request so far: notes on his new screenplay, sources confirmed today.

“A Terrorist and a Gentleman” is al-Baghdadi’s first attempt at writing drama. He describes the work as a struggle between the experiential and narrative self that asks “what does it mean to be a terrorist in the 21st century?” He called his work the “‘Casablanca’ of the Arab world,” in an online video.

Unfortunately, that claim has gone unchallenged. After widespread calls for followers to take up 180 pages of heavy dialogue and exposition, al-Baghdadi has not received a single call or email.

“I haven’t read it,’ said a new recruit who asked not to use his name. “I’m not saying I won’t, I just don’t know if I’m going to have time between now and killing myself.”

“Come on just read it,” replied al-Baghdadi when asked for comment. “Seriously, I can take it. I know its good, so you’re not going to hurt my feelings. Just please read it?”

Several ISIS prisoners were offered time outside and extra rations on the condition that they provided constructive criticism. All prisoners responded with name, rank, service number and date of birth.

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