BAGRAM AIRFIELD — The commander of US Forces Afghanistan has been unable to beat a fellow gamer named ‘xxTAliBan_br0_69’ in the video game series Call of Duty despite playing against him for years, sources confirmed today.
Gen. John Nicholson has been facing off against xxTAliBan_br0_69 online since at least the release of Call of Duty: Black Ops III in 2015, but even with the release of Infinite Warfare in 2016 he has yet to score a victory.
“xxTAliBan_br0_69 probably had his training funded by the US military or something, because he’s just too good,” Nicholson said as a sniper felled his character, “4starz_4lyfe.”
“Now he’s fucking camping again. He must know some serious hacks.”
Nicholson is not the only gamer who has struggled to take down xxTAliBan_br0_69, who was a known powerhouse in the gaming community even before the original Call of Duty was released in 2003.
In 2001, Gen. Tommy Franks challenged him during a Goldeneye 007 tournament at a local Funcoland game store. While Franks initially racked up multiple kills with the RC-P90, xxTAliBan_br0_69 was able to bring the game to a draw.
“n00bs go home,” xxTAliBan_br0_69 wrote in a message following a recent round of team deathmatch. “4starz_4lyfe got Pwned.”
Prominent members of other services have also struggled to win matches in the first-person shooter. According to sources, Robert O’Neill, the Navy SEAL who killed Osama bin Laden, has lost every time while playing Battlefield against a 13-year-old girl from Ohio named “pony_princessXOXO” during the past three years.
“We’ll see what happens when Call of Duty: WWII drops,” said Nicholson. “Now that’s a real war game.”