NASHVILLE, Tenn. — A local Fox News viewer and self-proclaimed patriot has been gripped by panic and indecision upon hearing that a white police officer recently shot and killed an unarmed black soldier, sources confirmed today.
Harvey McClintock — whose pickup truck window stickers feature the Confederate Flag and slogans like “Support the Troops,” “Back the Blue,” and “From my cold, dead hands” — heard the tragic story just yesterday evening.
According to reports, Fayetteville Police Officer Murphy Ingram fired multiple rounds at African-American soldier Staff Sgt. Antoine LeClair outside of Fort Bragg, killing him instantly.
“I usually know which side to take right away,” said a visibly-distraught McClintock this morning. “But I never thought I’d have to face a dilemma like this.”
McClintock’s typical course of action after a shooting is to search the news to justify what appears to be a summary execution, sources confirmed.
His plan was derailed by the fact that Staff Sgt. LeClair was a model soldier with a Bronze Star and two Purple Hearts. Furthermore, he had no criminal record, drugs in his system, or social media history to scrutinize.
“I’ve looked everywhere for photos of LeClair flashing a gang sign, smoking a joint, holding a pistol, anything!” McClintock elaborated, wiping sweat from his forehead and pouring himself some whiskey. “So far, nothing. It doesn’t help that he was one of the ‘troops’ I’m supposed to support.”
“I think I’m starting to lose it,” he added.
To make matters worse, cell phone footage from a bystander showed LeClair was more than 50 feet away from Officer Ingram when the bullets began flying. Ingram drew his weapon and yelled for LeClair to “drop the gun,” then unloaded his magazine when the soldier didn’t comply.
It turned out that LeClair was actually holding his black leather wallet.
“Look, the fact that an American soldier died is unfortunate, but Officer Ingram probably feared for his life,” McClintock explained as he downed a jar of moonshine. “Who knows what any of us would’ve done in the same situation?”
The issue was complicated further by security camera footage released earlier today, dated from last month, which showed a drunk white civilian waving a handgun around and firing it into the air, only to be subdued and arrested by Ingram and two other officers. The perpetrator was apprehended with only minor injuries.
“Okay, so I can’t blame Antoine LeClair for his own death,” McClintock told reporters. “But at least I can criticize the inevitable Black Lives Matter protests when the rioting and looting kick off.”
Contrary to McClintock’s expectations, hundreds of plain-clothes soldiers and veterans from the area have begun marching through Fayetteville, flying #EnlistedLivesMatter banners and setting buildings on fire. McClintock was reportedly hospitalized due to alcohol poisoning after this development, but is expected to make a full recovery.
At press time, McClintock’s liberal neighbor was undecided on whether to take sides with the “racist white cop,” or the “imperialist baby-killer” who just happened to be black.
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